"Every evening, when my husband returns from his long day at work, I rattle off a list of all the random, ordinary tasks the kids and I completed that day.
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āCrazy morning, let me tell you! We ran to preschool, I got Otis down for a nap in between drop off and pick up, picked up veggies for dinner, then went straight to speech for B, but oh my, keeping Otis busy during that session was tough; he wonāt stop moving! Lunch was nuts, food everywhere with both of them and then, of all days, B refused to napā¦ Iām exhausted and feel like Iāve legit been beat up by my toddler today!ā
And then at the end, my husband usually responds with aā¦ āGood job.ā
āGood jobā is a lovely phrase, donāt get me wrong, but it bothers me to no end when he says this in response to almost everything I tell him about my day.
I donāt want āgood job.” I appreciate it ā but more than anything, a simple, genuine āthank youā would make me feel more seen and truly recognized.
I find āgood jobā to be annoying, as if I completed a task properly like I met his, or anyone’s, expectations. I know I completed the tasks of the day, Iām well aware that I did my absolute best, he doesnāt need to confirm that for me.
What Iād really love to hear is plain olā simple gratitude.
Gratitude for the nonstop craziness that is life these days with two little boys; gratitude for putting up with getting food thrown at my face and on the floor; gratitude for cleaning up said food three times a day (not counting snacks). I donāt need flowers, I donāt need endless praise, not at all.
I just would love a really nice āthank youā at the end of our crazy day.
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Of course, I donāt think Iām doing anything beyond extraordinary that deserves endless adoration. I just believe that words matter, and that acknowledging the various work and tasks your partner takes care of to better the family is a huge step in taking care of your relationship in general.
This miscommunication doesn’t come as a surprise though ā when it comes to communication styles, often the difference between men and women couldnāt be more clear.
Men approach communication as a way to solve a problem, to provide a solution. When communicating, a clear point needs to be made; thatās the purpose. Women view communication as a way to share their thoughts, to release positive and negative emotions, and to bond with their partners.
I make a conscious effort to say āthank youā for everything that my husband does; I donāt want to ever take anything he does for granted. I thank him for the delicious meals he prepares almost every single night for us. I thank him for the long hours he puts into his work, allowing me to have more creative flexibility with my work and with taking care of our two beautiful children. I know that I married an amazing man, and I let him know this as much as I can.
I know my husband is grateful for me in the same way, there is no doubt, but the way he expresses it just isnāt in line with what my head and heart yearn for.
As Iām chatting about my days, Iām looking for a listener, Iām waiting for verbal hug; heās hearing situations that he can solve if needed, and if there are none, he can give a great stamp of approval instead ā āgood job.ā He hears what Iām saying literally, as tasks that can now be crossed off the to-do list and responds accordingly.
So then, if this is just how our bodies and minds are, how do we proceed without increasing frustration on my part?
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Knowing that my hubby and I communicate differently due to basic psychological differences is a huge part of the puzzle to begin with. Acknowledging these facts and accepting them for what they are can make a big difference alone.
But acknowledging doesnāt erase the problem completely, and itās not an easy way out ā I still ache for that āthank you,ā while he still thinks heās providing just that.
So, while we agree to disagree in some sense, we also agree to try.
Because isnāt trying the other major piece of the relationship puzzle? Heās trying to remember that āthank youā are the true magic words, and Iām trying to accept his āgood jobsā with grace and sincere appreciation, understanding what they really mean to him.
Itās not a perfect solution, but there rarely ever is one. So, weāll keep communicating, weāll keep trying, and Iāll keep responding with a pleasant āYouāre welcomeā every time a gentle reminder is needed.