âFilet mignon!â Thatâs what a random man said as he grabbed my 14-month-old daughterâs thigh. What began as a normal, neighborly interactionâboth of us nodding in acknowledgment as we passed each other on the street, me waving at his grandson and him smiling at my daughterâtook a turn when he reached into my stroller and started yelling about steak. I wasnât sure what bothered me moreâthat, especially in this post-pandemic world, he thought it was appropriate to touch a child he didnât know or that he would do so while body-shaming my baby.
From monogrammed keepsakes to heirloom-quality sets, shop these adorable pieces now!
It wasnât the first time a stranger had commented on my toddlerâs body. Look at those rolls! Or OMG, those thighs! Or even I love chubby babies. It always seemed like they genuinely meant well and were oblivious to how much their comments made me cringe. It made me wonder: Is this actually a problem, or am I just being sensitive?
Is Body-Shaming Babies a Thing?
âI think youâre being aware of how early comments start about kidsâ bodies,â said Judith Matz, LCSW, when I described the interactions to her. As a therapist, author, and speaker who specializes in eating and body image issues, Matz continued, âAt an early age, people are already making assumptions based on physical characteristics without any information, and those kind of comments can be harmful.â
Research led by Dr. Amanda Harrist, a professor in Human Development & Family Science at Oklahoma State University, echoed this sentiment. The study found that, as early as first grade (6 years old), overweight children are more likely to be ostracized.
Lily Nichols, a registered dietitian and nutritionist, was inundated with judgmental comments about her sonâs size after his birth. âWe know itâs wrong to call an adult âbigâ to their face, but with kids? People do it all the time. They think itâs harmless, but I, for one, think itâs not.â
So why, according to the experts, are these âwell-meaningâ comments a problem?
The Problems With Body-Shaming Babies and Kids
It can set off maternal anxiety.
Comments aimed at newborns and infants highlighted this issue for Nichols. âFor a mama with a slow-to-gain, breastfed 3-month-old, a simple, Oh, heâs brand new, isnât he? could be enough to make the mother question her milk supply (more than she already is because that pretty much comes with the territory). Or a comment that your child is too big may make you worry youâre over-feeding him or doing it wrong.â
It normalizes teasing someone about their weight.
Both the mainstream and social media seem to be rife with body shaming. âItâs kind of like the last category of person that our culture is âallowedâ to make fun of,â Dr. Harrist cautioned. âNobody seems to object too much. But in the last couple of years, the body positivity movement has started to change that.â
It takes away a childâs agency and can stunt independence.
Nichols asked, âIsnât the whole point of raising children to help them develop an inner compass to make good choices? If I make all the choices for my son (especially around food), how is that serving him in the long run? Whatâs the one thing that will always be with him to guide his choices? Him. His body.â
It can invalidate intuitive eating.
âWeâre born knowing how to [eat intuitively],â said Matz, as we discussed why body shaming could make children avoid certain foods. âIntuitive or attuned eating is where kids learn to trust their bodies. We want to validate that in our children. We want them to continue to trust their bodies and believe they know best. Young kids donât need to hear about whatâs healthy and unhealthy.â
It can cause ostracization, which can lead to trouble in school.
Dr. Harrist published an intervention study based on Vivian Paleyâs book, You Canât Say You Canât Play. “We found in our research study of 1,200 [first-grade] kids that the more they weighed, the less they were liked,â said Dr. Harrist. âKids are rejected or ostracized for being different. Being overweight makes them different. And then, thereâs this spiral: If [youâre] overweight in first grade and nobody wants to play with you, then youâre not getting exercise before or after school. Getting teased or bullied in the classroom [results in] lower attendance, which [leads to] academic struggles. That makes you more different and more disliked. Itâs a vicious cycle.â
âWe had this rule [in some of our first-grade classrooms] that if somebody wants to play with you, you have to let them play. Teachers have rules that kids canât hit each other, but it hurts just as much to be rejected, teased, and ostracized. [We found] the feeling of belonging and acceptance in first grade put kids on a trajectory that changed their weight.â
It can inhibit a childâs ability to emotionally regulate.
We know that adults can âemotionally eat,” but Dr. Harristâs research group was the first to show that kids also do this. âTwo of the feelings they regulate [this way] are worry and sadness. Thereâs a big link between the social and emotional world, in terms of whatâs going on with food and activity.â
What Parents Can Do to Counter the Effects of Body-Shaming
As a parent, I feel like my default setting is worried. Learning about the potential impacts of body shaming added to my laundry list of anxiety sources. So I asked the experts what, if anything, can we parents do to help or protect our kiddos?
1. Donât restrict foods
All three experts agreed on this one. âEvery study shows that when parents try to restrict foods, it backfiresâthey eat more,â said Dr. Harrist. âWhen foods are off limits,â Matz added, âthey increase in value. Your kids are going to be exposed to them sooner or later, and itâs going to increase their preoccupation [with them], setting them up to eat more than they need.â
Nichols has seen this play out firsthand in her work as a registered dietitian and nutritionist. âIâve known too many people who grew up in super strict, health food-only houses who rebel beyond comprehension when they first contact highly palatable processed food.â
2. Talk to your childâs teacher
Following the success of her intervention study, Dr. Harrist strongly suggests proactively speaking with your childâs teacher. âYou could say something like, I really donât think itâs OK for children to be teased about how they look. Or even give them an article. Try to sensitize the teacher and ask them to ensure your child is not being teased or bullied.â Dr. Harrist and documentarian Ruth Thomas-Suh are currently producing a film for teachers titled Belonging about the âYou Canât Say You Canât Playâ program, which should be available in the summer of 2024.
3. Build resilience and self-esteem
Many of the adult clients Matz works with have been body-shamed since they were little girls. âWhen youâve gotten the message early that your worthiness is tied to your weight, itâs a lot harder [to heal] because thereâs nothing to go back to.â The ones whoâve healed the fastest âgrew up with moms, in particular, who taught body positivity as best as they could. They wanted their girls to have a positive body image and did not focus on weight. The shame isnât woven into their psyche in the same way.â
4. Embrace teachable moments
Whether it comes from a conversation, a television show, or heck, even a stranger yelling about meat on the street, teachable moments are everywhere. Matz suggested saying things like, âAll bodies are good bodies. All bodies can be healthy. The most important thing is how you take care of your body.â Need help starting the conversation? Books like Amandaâs Big Dream (written by Matz), Starfish, and Your Body is Awesome can make broaching the topic less awkward.
5. Work on your own relationship with food and body image.
âKids are incredibly perceptive,â said Nichols. âThey pick up on so much, whether we like it or not. Your relationship with food will be, for better or for worse, something that they pick up on.â
Matz agreed, adding, âOne of the best things parents can do is to work on their own relationship with food and their body. If you can work on your own âunlearning,’ it will be more natural to pass those messages down to your kid and break these generational cycles.â
6. Have compassion for yourself.
Moms are under extraordinary extents of pressure, something Matz feels deeply. âLetâs get rid of the idea that we have to do this perfectly. If you donât know the answer in the moment, itâs OK to say, Thatâs such a good question, let me think about that and come back to you. Or if you say something that you donât feel good about later, you can go back to that, too. Thereâs always a way to reconnect or repair. And remember, you can do everything âright,’ but you are only one of a lot of influences out there.â
Personally, my biggest ah-ha! moment came when Matz referenced the dreaded day when your child asks, Mommy, am I fat? Even with how young my daughter is, I could envision that moment. The hurt in her voice. The surge of mama-bear anger Iâd feel, alongside an overwhelming desire to cocoon and protect her from the big, bad world outside. But then Matz said, âOne of the mistakes parents make is to say, Nooo, youâre not fat! Because what that implies is, Thank goodness youâre not fat. It upholds the thin ideal. So itâs better to say, Your body is doing exactly what itâs meant to do. Itâs changing, and itâs growing. All body sizes are beautiful, but you might hear people say something differently. And if youâre ever worried about that, I want you to tell me.â