At The Everymom, we understand that parenting can be a joyous yet stressful journey. We also know that this stress can seep into other areas of your life, which includes the relationship you may have with your partner. As a mom who experienced postpartum depression alongside my partner, I know how easy it is to feel like you’re at odds with someone you love.
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That being said, we’re fortunate to live in a time where mental health is being discussed more often. With resources such as therapy, people are now able to find tools to help them heal from various forms of trauma or cope with life’s daily stressors. However, this doesn’t mean everyone has the means to afford therapy or are even interested in it.
Sometimes that tension can increase when one person suggests trying couples therapy. The reluctant party may or may not express why they’re uncomfortable with therapy, which can lead to frustration. To help, we spoke with licensed marriage and family therapist and relationship expert Dr. Christie Kederian to share tips about what to do when your partner won’t go to couples therapy.
Where Does a Reluctance to Attend Therapy Stem From?
According to a survey published in the Journal of Clinical Medicine Research in 2018, a little over 30% of participants held the belief that depression is caused by weakness in one’s personality. This can be true no matter what stage of life we find ourselves in.
There’s also an overall fear of vulnerability tied to therapy. “Some people may wonder if opening up in therapy will make their situation worse,” Dr. Christie said.
“There’s still a stigma around the therapy,” she added. “Usually a reluctance stems from other people, society or their past belief that people who need it have big issues.” She went on to explain that with men specifically, they’re primarily raised to express their anger physically and may not feel safe to express sadness or other things that may not be seen as masculine.
“One of the biggest ways a relationship can be affected by a reluctance to attending therapy is through a breakdown in communication,” Dr. Christie said. This can look like not being able to have a conversation without arguing, belittling each other or minimizing feelings. At it’s worst, verbal and physical abuse may be present.
“I think this can happen when one or both people don’t feel safe to express themselves or when they don’t feel loved or connected to their partner,” Dr. Christie said.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, get help immediately. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers confidential help 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
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How to Get Your Partner on Board With Therapy
It’s possible to feel like everything you say about therapy goes in one of your partner’s ears and out the other. You may wonder if you’re saying something that just doesn’t seem to translate to your partner. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Here are a few ways to move forward:
Individual Therapy
One way you can help move the conversation of couples therapy along is by attending individual sessions first. “Some women think that couples therapy is the first thing to try if they want their relationship to improve, but that’s not necessarily the case,” Dr. Christie said. Individual therapy helps you learn more about yourself, the way you communicate, and how you may be contributing to your relationship dynamics.
Not only that, moms often struggle with taking care of themselves, so individual sessions are a great way to start showing yourself some care. This can then trickle down to the relationship you have with your partner and kids.
Reframe the Conversation with Your Partner
From there, Dr. Christie said that you can use the following starter sentences to help reframe the way you talk about therapy with your partner:
- “Therapy has been helpful for me, and I think it’ll be beneficial for you too.”
- “My therapist thinks it’ll be helpful for me if you come to a session.”
- “Let’s try to see how therapy will allow us to help each other.”
“This is another way to make your partner see an opportunity to be supportive of your growth instead of feeling like they’re the bad person in the relationship,” said Dr. Christie.
Based on your partner’s beliefs about therapy, they may feel like their actions will be picked apart, so they key is to make them feel like they’ll be a part of the solution.
Additionally, it’s helpful to remember therapy doesn’t have to occur when major red flags appear. Dr. Christie wants to think of therapy like preventative work. “Therapy is just like receiving a physical at your [primary] doctor. You don’t have to attend weekly or even monthly,” she said. Because no one is exempt from life’s challenges, therapy can help give you and your partner tools to address things that may arise in your relationship so you know how to navigate them in a healthier way.
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What To Do If They’re Still Reluctant
“Even the healthiest couples look unhealthy sometimes,” said Dr. Christie. “Therapy can help you recognize when you’re not operating at your best and it allows you to use tools to help you either deepen the connection you have with your partner or reconnect with them.”
Above all else, it’s still important to take care of yourself too instead of waiting for your partner to get on board. Like Dr. Christie said, your decision to attend therapy may help your partner see how beneficial it can be.
Understand You Can Only Control Yourself
Depending on your personality, you may feel like you have to take care of everyone and try to control them. But no matter how much you would prefer a certain outcome, you can only control yourself. In your relationship, you can make suggestions, but you can’t force your partner to act a certain way. Dr. Christie said, “Doing the work is for you just as much as it’s for your relationship.” If your partner doesn’t make an effort to attend therapy or change, and the relationship ends, you have to trust that you’re doing your part to take care of yourself.
Arguments are bound to happen, but if it’s possible, try to remember that you and your partner are meant to be on the same team. If your partner still is reluctant to attend therapy, don’t believe your work has been in vain because you can still experience the benefits of therapy yourself.
