I’m Officially Done Trying To Make Friends for My Husband

I’ve lived in five different cities in the past decade. In every one of them, I’ve built a strong circle of friends. These friends have supported me through graduate school, career changes, becoming a mom, and more. But my husband has never really had a close circle in any of the places we’ve lived. Sure, he has male friendships from childhood, buddies from college, and a few long-time work friends. But he’s never found his “dad friends” in our city. There once was a time when I went out of my way to connect my husband with my friends’ husbands or other acquaintances I thought he’d gel with. Now, I’ve largely given up. It never seemed to work out, and honestly, I’m just too busy. 

But he’s not the only dad without a social circle. I’ve noticed that many of my friends’ male partners have struggled to create their own social life, too. Do a quick search on Reddit, and you’ll find other men posing the question, “How do I make dad friends?” I spoke to three experts about why dads aren’t making friends, the science behind it, plus some gentle suggestions to build their social circle—because moms have enough on our plates. 

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Why aren’t the dads making friends?

My husband works full-time and travels as part of his job. So when he has free time, it’s either spent with his family or squeezing in a round of golf or a workout when he can. He doesn’t naturally gravitate toward spending time with friends when he has free time. 

This missing piece in male friendship is twofold, says Gina Moffa, LCSW, grief and trauma therapist, speaker, and author. Men are not taught or expected to build long-term social networks. The framework for creating these connections isn’t always there for men. 

“Women are culturally expected to actively build and maintain social networks; it’s practically baked into the identity of ‘good mom,’” she says. “Men, on the other hand, were never given that same script. A lot of men were taught that friendship should happen organically, through work, through shared activities, through proximity, rather than something you actively pursue.” 

“Women are culturally expected to actively build and maintain social networks. [While] a lot of men were taught that friendship should happen organically, rather than something you actively pursue.”

So when those built-in male friendship incubators disappear, she notes, it becomes way harder for dads to make friends.

“[When there’s] no more college dorms, no more casual work friendships once you’re working from home, or juggling a new baby in the family, a lot of dads don’t reach for new friendships,” Moffa explains. 

Men may not notice the absence

And men don’t always notice the absence of friends the way moms do, Moffa notes. When I bring it up to my husband, he acts completely flabbergasted that it’s something I’d even be worried about. “It’s not that they’re not worried. It’s that they were never taught to name or recognize that worry,” Moffa says. 

Shinise Muse, Vice President of Clinical Supervision at Crisis Text Line, agrees. 

“They just have fewer easy ways in, and in the years with young kids, very little unclaimed time to use the ones they have,” she says, noting that with moms, school pickup and group chats provide connection, though it’s not without its own emotional labor. 

“The difference is that those conversations put mothers in regular contact with other parents, and many fathers don’t have that contact at all,” Muse explains. “Our recent Boys & Men Report looked at boys and men across the lifespan rather than at fathers specifically, but the age when we see connection fall away is exactly when most men are raising kids.” 

“The age when we see connection fall away is exactly when most men are raising kids.”

“When boys are young, connection has a natural scaffolding around it: school, sports teams, community centers. As men move through their 30s and 40s, that scaffolding quietly disappears, and there’s often nothing built to replace it.”

Moms are busy enough

Between part-time work, my PTO leadership role, raising two elementary-aged kiddos, and taking care of friendships of my own, managing a partner’s social life is just adding one more thing to an already overflowing list. 

“Managing a partner’s social life is just adding one more thing to an already overflowing list.”

But our experts shared some low-lift ways you can encourage your partner to create his own social circle. 

Easy ways to encourage socialization 

So what are low-lift ways to encourage your partner to socialize that don’t add to your mental load? Our experts shared some easy ways to encourage a male partner to make friends. 

• Start with existing connections. Encourage him to text or call existing acquaintances to connect or make plans. 
• Suggest an activity based on his hobby. Join a running club, a golf league, or play pickup basketball. He could even volunteer to coach your child’s sports team. Men are more likely to open up and bond when they’re doing some sort of activity together.
• Encourage recurring activities. A weekly or monthly ritual removes the pressure because it eliminates the need to make new plans again.
• Make first contact. Oftentimes, sending the initial text or call is the hardest part. Suggest he send the text first. 
• Start small. It doesn’t need to be a huge event or a guys’ trip. Grabbing a beer at a local bar or joining a pickup basketball game can be a great jumping-off point.
• Use school as an excuse. Suggest he drive to the field trip, volunteer for the book fair, or volunteer for the class party—even if it means taking time off work. Dad-to-dad conversations can occur more naturally when there’s a task to complete.

Prioritize individual social time

Support each other when spending time with friends. Both partners should have ample time to socialize on their own. 

“[P]rotecting their already existing rituals also matters,” Moffa adds. “If they already have a standing group chat or golf game set up, not letting it quietly get sacrificed to some other work thing or busy schedule is important. It’s also important that when partners see each other actually prioritizing their own friendships, it gives both people permission to do the same, instead of one.”