If everyone’s sex life was perfect all the time, we’d still get bored. (And I’d also be out of a job!) While routine sex is great for some people (and a great way to keep your sex life thriving when you and your partner are busy), a lot of us want a little something new every now and then. This could be in many forms, and someone’s new and exciting could be boring for someone else. It’s all about preference. Sex can be an important way of intimacy in relationships where people are engaging sexually, so it’s necessary to keep up a happy sex life to feel completely fulfilled in a relationship (and because we just all deserve great sex, right?).
So, how exactly do we get it? It can seem easier said than done, especially when you’re unsure if your partner feels the same way. Follow these tips to encourage your partner to try new things and get away from your sexual routine.
Communication is the foundation for a happy relationship and especially a fulfilled sex life. We hear it again and again, but here’s why: if you don’t tell your partner what you want or how you feel, there’s no way for them to know. If you’re not willing to communicate with them about this, your sex life won’t change or get better. Great sex happens when both people are aware and understanding of each other’s feelings and desires, so you have to talk about it.
When talking to a partner about sex, make sure you’re coming from a place of discussion rather than accusation. Prepare yourself with “I statements” — these will make your partner understand where you’re coming from without feeling like they’re doing something wrong.
Give them instructions
When you’re with your partner, don’t be afraid to give them instructions. This doesn’t have to go all dominatrix (unless that’s what you want, then go for it, girl). “Touch me here” and “Let’s try X” are non-intimidating ways to help your partner know exactly what it is you want.
You can also guide your partner. Obviously, don’t make them feel uncomfortable or feel like they need to do things they aren’t OK with! Show them exactly what you want if telling them is scary or you don’t exactly know how to say what you’re feeling.
Highlight the positives
Remind your partner what they do that turns you on! Not only is this a pretty effective form of dirty talk, but it encourages your partner to keep up the good work. Make your compliments as specific as possible. Then, it’s easy to give suggestions on what you want more of and how you want to implement it with your partner.
Ask what they want
They might be just as nervous about this conversation as you are! Ask your partner if they enjoy X or if they’d like more of Y. Keep their desires in mind. Sex is a collaborative experience, so work together to take each other’s interests to heart and implement where possible.
Discuss potential distractions
Is there something outside of the bedroom that could be distracting you both from trying something new? It could be financial troubles, family, work, or personal issues, health concerns, or more. If there is something that is bothering you, it’s very possible that it’s affecting the quality of your sex life too. Identify if there is anything going on with you, your partner, or your relationship, and focus on mending that (or accepting those situations through therapy, self-care, and more) to boost your libido.
This story originally appeared on The Everygirl on July 13, 2019.