"For kids and parents alike, entering the new school year has its ups and downs. Everyone must adjust to new routines, new bedtimes, and even new meal times. With all the changes, one emotion is inevitable: after-school meltdowns.
I used to teach preschool and elementary school students. I will never forget the sea of kindergartners at the end of the day waiting for pickup and just crying for seemingly no reason. But we all know the school day is long, especially for younger children. Even older children require a lot of sleep, and we often forget they’re still growing. Ultimately, the meltdowns result from fatigue and adjusting to a new routine.
It isn’t simply bedtime that needs to be adjusted; parents need to understand that their kid’s mental load is also taxed. There’s a vast difference between the carefree days of summer and the structure that descends when it’s time to return to school. Kids need parents to meet them where they’re at and create the space to move through this adjustment period.
As a parenting coach, I share these three tips with parents trying to manage their children’s after-school tantrums, otherwise known as the restraint collapse after school.
Adjust Your Expectations
Expect the worst regarding your child’s disposition after a full day of school. As a parent, if you know your child struggles when they get home, you can meet them where they are. Be honest about who your child is. Are they affected by fatigue? What are they like when they get hungry? Does your child love change or hate change? When you’re honest about who your child is, you’re more likely to adjust your expectations.
Remember, kids show restraint collapse after school at home because they feel safe to do so. They’ve spent most of the school day managing a structured environment, showing restraint, and conforming to new routines. When they come home, they can be themselves. They can fall apart emotionally because they know they are unconditionally loved. While this can be exhausting as a parent, reframing it this way can remind you that you’re creating an environment where your child feels safe to express their emotions.
“Kids show restraint collapse after school at home because they feel safe to do so. They’ve spent most of the school day managing a structured environment, showing restraint, and conforming to new routines. When they come home, they can be themselves.”
Adjusting your expectations can also help keep you calm. Keep in mind that the best remedy to a meltdown is a calm parent. When you escalate with your kids, it only makes matters worse, and the meltdown and tantrum can last longer or escalate in nature. Instead, when you can hold space and express empathy, your kids are more likely to de-escalate. When you expect the impossible, you’re more likely to feel frustrated with your child’s meltdown rather than be the calm anchor they need to find steadiness during it.
Restraint Collapse in Preschoolers
If your child is in preschool or daycare, recognize that they, too, have had a long day, even if it was fun. Creating a predictable routine after pickup with low demands can be comforting. For example, one of my student’s families had a special playlist that their daughter could listen to while driving home. Another family kept a basket of sensory toys in the car that their child played with at pickup. These small gestures can help kids self-soothe while recovering from their full day.
Elementary Schoolers
Plan to do very little after school and keep the demands low. Keep your schedule open and allow them to rest and reset for the rest of the day. During the first few weeks of school, loosen your grip and let them have time to decompress. This isn’t the time to set new boundaries, establish new rules, or introduce more work. Keep the demands low and your space calm.
Middle and High Schoolers
Don’t take it personally if they don’t want to talk after school. This doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. They just may need time to decompress. Remember, they’ve been answering questions and communicating with others most of the day. Give them the space they need. My daughter always needed time to herself after school. Even in her early elementary years, she sought quiet time. Instead of bombarding her with questions, I would stay quiet and let her know I was there. After dinner, she was a chatterbox, and we connected and reflected on the day. She would have been less likely to share if I had not respected her space and forced her to talk.
Hangry Kids Are Primed for Meltdowns
School-age children often do not eat their lunch when they first start school, or they eat a small amount. They might spend time socializing or not be interested in eating at that time. Managing their lunch break is a learning lesson; they will get better at finishing their lunch with time. But those first few weeks can be hard. Hanger in children is real. As their blood sugar level drops, they’re more likely to be crabby, just like adults. Being prepared with a healthy snack at pickup can make a big difference.
In some cases, I’ve suggested that families let their kids eat dinner earlier. A tip currently going viral on social media, thanks to parents sharing their after-school dinner routines. Allowing your kids to eat dinner earlier has tremendous benefits. For one, your kids’ meltdowns are less likely to carry on once they’re fed and nourished. If it’s a priority for everyone to eat as a family, you can feed kids dinner early and then let them eat their favorite snack when parents have dinner. But consider being flexible and letting go of have to’s and supposed to’s. There are other ways to bond as a family. If allowing your kids to eat dinner two hours earlier gives you two more hours of peace, let them; it’s worth it.
You can also offer snacks before they get crabby or the meltdowns begin. I worked with a parent who would offer the snack once her child’s meltdowns began, but it was too late. She already reached what I call “the point of no return.” This is when a child is so dysregulated that the tantrum needs to run its course, and they’re not open to suggestions. To avoid this, immediately hand them their favorite snack before you see signs of a meltdown. This can be a game changer for the rest of your day, as it was for the family I worked with.
Less is More
Many modern parents have schedules that rival some of the busiest corporate CEOs. When kids get home from school, they’re off to their next activity or practice. When my kids were in elementary school, I told their coaches that we would take the first week of school off from practice. They always understood and appreciated the open communication. This is a great time to ask yourself what your child needs. Some kids benefit from physical movement. If so, then keep their practices on the schedule. Make adjustments that are in your child’s best interest as they get used to their new school schedule.
Clear your evenings as much as possible during the first few weeks of school. This will simplify your load so you can be their steady anchor when they get overwhelmed. It’s harder to stay calm during the meltdowns when you’re overtired and overscheduled. When my kids were school-aged, during the first week of school, I planned to order carry-out three nights of the week from their favorite places. I love to cook and do so frequently. However, taking that off my plate during the chaotic first week of school was helpful. There was no kitchen cleanup to stress about. The kids were excited about their favorite carry-out meals, and it gave me more time to be with them.
Consider your mental load. Often, parents are just as stressed about the start of the school year. Managing and addressing this stress will help you stay grounded during the first few weeks. Whether you have school-age children or high schoolers, reminding yourself that this will pass can be comforting during overwhelming moments.
The start of the school year is an adjustment for both kids and parents. Embracing change, rather than resisting it, makes for a smoother transition. Take the time to care for yourself and your child as they navigate the new routine. Before you know it, they will have adjusted, and balance will find its way in.
Albiona Rakipi, Contributing Writer
Albiona Rakipi has over 20 years of experience working with children and families, first as an early childhood educator and currently as a pediatric speech and language pathologist. She also offers 1:1 parent coaching programs. Her work has been published in Detroit Mom, Hour Detroit, Metro Parent, The Motherload and Modern Parent. She was named a top writer on the topic of parenting in Medium. She is the founder of The Parenting Reframe website, hosts The Parenting Reframe podcast, and shares parenting tips with her 180K+ followers on TikTok.