During the transition after summer, it’s not surprising that some kids (and parents) may experience separation anxiety once school is back in session. Separation anxiety may be heightened for younger children, but it’s also something many families encounter regularly at any stage. Whether you’re worried about your kid’s separation anxiety or your own, there are ways to make it easier. We spoke with Robyn Isman, a Boston area-based therapist specializing in anxiety and mom to two kids, to learn the best ways to prepare for and cope with separation anxiety.
Before talking about strategy, Isman shared how to recognize if your child is struggling with separation anxiety. It’s normal for kids to be sad when a parent leaves; however, it may be a sign of separation anxiety if, when you return, your child is not soothed by your presence. This may be displayed with crying, tantrums, or toy throwing. These actions can indicate that they are developing a fear of separation. If you think your child may be experiencing separation anxiety, or you’d like to get ahead of it, here are some trusted tactics to try.
Meet the Expert
Robyn Isman
Robyn is a licensed therapist and certified provider of SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions), the only evidence-based treatment proven to decrease childhood anxiety by only working with parents. With over a decade of experience supporting families, she specializes in guiding parents to break free from the cycle of over-accommodation and replace it with supportive, effective responses.
One of the most powerful ways to help kids understand separation anxiety is by introducing the idea through age-appropriate, digestible stories. Reading children’s books together not only makes the topic feel less overwhelming but also helps kids see their own experiences reflected in characters they can relate to. Books give them language for their feelings and offer gentle reassurance that being apart from mom or dad doesn’t mean the love and connection go away.
Two of our favorite reads for this stage are Mom’s Busy Work by former prime minister of New Zealand, Jacinda Ardern, and Everywhere You Are by Grammy award-winning artist, Victoria Monét. In Mom’s Busy Work, kids follow along as the main character navigates what it feels like when mom has to leave for work, offering validation and comfort while highlighting the joy of reunion. Meanwhile, Everywhere You Are takes a more lyrical approach, showing children that a parent’s love is always present, even when they’re physically apart. Both books strike the perfect balance of acknowledging big feelings while providing reassurance, making them ideal conversation starters for families navigating separation anxiety.
Based on real conversations Dame Jacinda Ardern had with her young daughter while she was prime minster of New Zealand, this book celebrates the relationship between working moms and their children. With striking art by Ruby Jones, Mom’s Busy Work shows how, even when apart during the day, the love between a parent and their child is unquestionable. A reassuring read-loud for all children, including those struggling with separation anxiety.
In this melodic picture book from chart-topping musical sensation Victoria Monét, a gentle moon comforts a young star as night ends and they separate. Paired with the whimsical and imaginative art of Alea Marley, Everywhere You Are reminds us that even when someone isn’t right next to us, their love still carries on in our hearts.
We love our children, but it’s important to foster their independence, and it’s also important for us as parents to have some space. If your child is a baby or toddler, Isman recommends giving them opportunities for independent play. This allows children to entertain themselves, encourages creativity, teaches self-reliance, independence, and self-regulation skills. Plus, independent play gives parents a break from always being “on.”
Take breaks from your kids
If you’re the primary caregiver, occasionally step away from some of your mom duties whenever possible. If you’re always on bath duty and bedtime routine, have your partner take the lead every so often. You may feel sad to miss out on these special parts of the day, but it’s good for your own sanity, and it shows your children that it’s OK to have time with their other parent, not always mom.
If you have a nanny, babysitter, or family member who helps out, allow them to take over other parts of the routine as well. Your child may push back, but it’s important for you to keep your distance. Isman explains that this will help your children develop skills to trust other adults, which will be important when entering childcare.
Name and normalize their feelings
Feeling sad is a normal facet of life, and it’s important to recognize and discuss these feelings with our kids. “Feelings come and go, and we don’t have to be scared of them,” Isman said. As you take breaks from your child, you can say things like “It’s OK to miss me, and I will miss you too, but you can play with your dad (or babysitter), and that will be so fun.” Acknowledge and name whatever emotions are felt, like sadness, anger, and frustration. Normalize the feelings, allow them to feel them, and discuss ways to feel better.
Source: Alaina Kaz
Show them examples of parents leaving and returning
When children develop a fear of a parent leaving, it may be that they are afraid you won’t come back. For slightly older children, shows and songs that depict parents leaving and coming back are an excellent way for your kids to understand time apart and know that you will return. Listen to and sing “Grown Ups Come Back” from Daniel Tiger and discuss the messages.
Develop a goodbye routine
When it is time to leave, create a fun and engaging goodbye routine that you can practice with your child, like a hug, kiss, or high five. “I do hug-kiss-squeeze-squeeze-kiss-hug with my daughter, and we’ve been doing it for years,” Isman said. It can be simple, but it’s a special way to feel close before time spent apart.
For moms experiencing separation anxiety
It’s going to be hard and also a little sad, especially when leaving your baby for the first time. Start small, like a short walk or run by yourself. Even just 10 minutes of solo time is a good starting point, and then grow from there. Isman tells clients to practice feeling uncomfortable. This teaches that you can get through it. And not only does it show you that you are capable of being away from your children, it shows your child that it’s OK and they are in good hands.
And speaking of being in good hands, it’s important to leave your child with someone you trust, whether that’s your partner, your parents, or your best friend. Don’t rush it; make sure you feel comfortable with the situation and fully trust your child will be well taken care of. Feeling emotional is to be expected. Just as you tell your kids it’s OK to feel their emotions, the same goes for you. Cry if you want to cry! And finally, be kind to yourself and to your children. This is a big transition for both of you, and it’s important for both kids and adults to feel the discomfort and to work on gaining independence.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Amanda Shapin Michelson, Former Senior Manager of Brand Partnerships
Amanda is a writer specializing in health, wellness, and motherhood. She recently wrote the book Pregnancy Hacks, sharing tips to comfortably get through the major ups and downs of pregnancy. She currently works for Babylist and lives in Maryland with her husband, kids Millie, Ezra, and Sloane, and pup Ollie.
As the Branded Content Editorial Assistant, McKenna collaborates with our sales team by creating both written and social media content, collecting and analyzing performance data to report back to our partners, and assisting our editors with their everyday tasks to ensure a smooth and productive process.
