"I remember watching Pixar’s Finding Nemo in the movie theater when it debuted over 20 years ago (yes, I’m shocked that this much time has passed). It’s been around for over two decades, but it’s stood the test of time—not only for its beautiful animation but also because of its message. Back then, the message to me as a child was, “I can be brave,” “I can conquer big things,” and “I can learn to do things on my own (and still have guidance from my parents).” Now, as a parent myself, the message is still the same. Except now? I’m not Nemo. I’m Marlin. From a parent’s perspective, the whole movie is about Marlin becoming a ‘lighthouse parent.’
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There are so many parenting styles out there—helicopter parenting, gentle parenting, and more. However, the term ‘lighthouse parent’ has some parents intrigued and favoring this “trending” style of parenting. I reached out to Dr. Helen Egger, Chief Scientific & Medical Officer and cofounder of Little Otter, and founder of Maitland Mental Health Co. and Licensed School Psychologist Farah Downs, Ed.S., NCSP, to discuss what a lighthouse parent is, how to be one, and more. Read how being a lighthouse parent has benefits for kids (and you) that go deeper than this trendy term.
Dr. Helen Egger, Chief Scientific & Medical Officer and Co-Founder of Little Otter
As the Chief Medical & Scientific Officer, Dr. Egger brings 30 years of experience in child mental health to Little Otter, including former leadership roles at Duke University School of Medicine and NYU Langone Health. Through virtual care and transparent, evidence-based treatment, Little Otter gives families unparalleled access to the highest quality mental care.
Farah Downs, Ed.S., NCSP and Founder of Maitland Mental Health Co., LLC
With over a decade of experience in Florida schools and private practice, Farah Downs helps kids and families uncover what’s really going on beneath the surface—academically, emotionally, and behaviorally. Farah brings honesty, compassion, and a deep belief in approachable mental health into everything that she does.
What is a lighthouse parent?
Dr. Egger says to imagine yourself as a lighthouse. Like a lighthouse, a lighthouse parent is when “you provide a guiding light and a safe harbor, but you don’t sail the ship for your child.” Lighthouse parents give kids “the freedom to navigate their waters, explore the horizon, and, yes, even learn to weather a few storms—all while knowing you are there,” says Dr. Egger.
‘Helicopter parenting’ vs. ‘Lighthouse parenting’
Different parenting styles have buzzed their way through the parenting world, but one that comes to mind that’s in contrast to lighthouse parenting is ‘helicopter parenting.’ So, what’s the difference? Downs explains that helicopter parenting “tends to come from a place of anxiety or fear. It often shows up as hovering, rescuing, over-correcting, or solving problems for your child before they even try to solve them themselves.”
Lighthouse parenting is about “preparing your child for life rather than protecting them from it.” Dr. Egger adds, “You’re still watching from a close distance, but your role is more about guiding and less about controlling.”
How to be a lighthouse parent at every stage
Both Dr. Egger and Downs iterate that it’s never too late or too early to be a lighthouse parent. Whether you’re currently a helicopter parent now or a new parent, you can start this parenting style at any stage. Whatever stage your child is currently in, it’s important to be supportive and present.
During infancy
This parenting style can even be used when your little one is a baby. For example, let your baby explore safely on the floor while knowing you are still there.
During the toddler years
Dr. Egger says parents can set clear, loving limits but celebrate their drive for independence. This can look like letting your child put their own shoes on even if it takes a while. Downs also recommends that parents offer praise for effort and not just outcomes. A child showing frustration is a natural response. As a lighthouse parent, you can model emotional regulation by verbalizing, “I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take a breath.”
During the school-age years
“Be their trusted sounding board for social and academic challenges,” advises Dr. Egger. It can be difficult to not solve issues with friends in real time, but giving children space, an opportunity for independent thinking, and a listening ear allows parents to offer perspective after a child has worked through it independently.
During the teen years
The teen years are about autonomy and space but staying emotionally available. Downs says, if you have a teen, ask open-ended questions, resist the urge to lecture, and let them take ownership of their choice—with natural consequences when appropriate.
Tips on lighthouse parenting
It’s important to know that parents don’t have to claim or stick to one parenting style. However, if you feel that being a lighthouse parent is something you want to incorporate more of, Dr. Egger and Downs have some tips to guide you there.
Reflect on how you currently react
Downs encourages parents to reflect on how they currently react to situations with their child. If you’re stepping in out of anxiety or assuming your child can’t handle something before they’ve even tried it, then pause and give your child a chance to try. “If they fail, great—we can work with that. Offer support and reflection afterward, not rescue beforehand,” suggests Downs.
If you’re currently a ‘helicopter parent’
If you’ve identified that your approach to parenting is fueled by anxiety, Dr. Egger notes that doesn’t make you a “bad” parent. Parents can start by first being kind to themselves as they learn. Second, start small. “The next time your child is struggling with a task, try waiting just 30 seconds longer than you normally would before stepping in.” Remember, you’re learning, too, and it takes practice.
Additional tips include:
- Narrate problem-solving instead of giving answers
- Validate feelings without rushing to make them stop
- Be consistent with boundaries, even when it’s hard
- Let natural consequences happen when appropriate
The pros and cons to being a lighthouse parent
There are pros and cons to anything. When it comes to being a lighthouse parent, watching your child struggle, feel disappointed, or make a mistake are a few cons that come to mind. But a benefit that comes out of this approach is that “it gives children the courage to take healthy risks, learn from failure, and develop emotional regulation and problem-solving skills,” states Dr. Egger. A big plus for parents is that children can trust their parents are supportive without judgment.
It’s not about having it all figured out
My 4-year-old is getting more and more independent. Whether it be opening a juice pouch or deciding to share a toy with a friend—one of the hardest things as his mom is to not always ‘step in’ to solve a problem for him. Downs adds that “lighthouse parenting isn’t about having it all figured out, but it’s being a steady source of safety and guidance.” At times, I know I’ve felt like Marlin in Finding Nemo, and I react out of fear. “Be careful” or “You could hurt yourself” is something I might say at the playground. But I know he’s got it.
This full-circle moment of recognizing a lighthouse parent in Finding Nemo was a gentle reminder that it’s my son’s turn to be brave and conquer big things (but know his mom is always here). And as for me and Marlin, letting go from a distance is what kids may need at times—a lighthouse parent.
Patty Schepel, Editorial Assistant
As the editorial assistant, Patty works with The Everymom’s team on pitches, creating original articles, updating existing content, photo sourcing, writing shopping product descriptions, inputting freelance articles, and more. When she’s not working, you can find her spending time with her family, training for half marathons—she ran one 16 weeks pregnant—traveling, cooking, reading a rom-com, and keeping her sourdough starter, Rose, alive.