There’s a heart-stopping scene in Peacock’s new hit series All Her Fault when Sarah Snook’s character arrives to pick her son up from a playdate, and the woman who answers the door has no idea what she’s talking about. It’s a mom’s worst nightmare: Setting up a playdate via text only to find out that who you’ve been texting isn’t a fellow mom from school, but someone with nefarious intentions. It kicks off a wild set of twists and turns (no spoilers here), and it’s enough to make any mom never let her kid out of her sight again.
But that’s not always realistic. My oldest is 7 years old, and he’s starting to get invited to drop-off playdates at friends’ houses. When he received his first invite, my first instinct was to say no, since I’d always accompanied him on playdates in the past. But my son is a really well-adjusted kid who (usually) makes good decisions. He was ready for drop-off playdates—but I wasn’t.
So I came up with a list of questions to ask before I signed off on a drop-off playdate, plus what to say when it just doesn’t feel right. Thankfully, I’m a millennial mom, so those tricky conversations usually happen over text, which cuts back on the awkwardness. But, as All Her Fault taught us, you’ll definitely want to do some additional verification beyond texting. Here’s my list of questions to ask before a drop-off playdate:
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Are there guns in the house? If so, how are they stored?
This is the number one question I ask before a drop-off playdate. I usually say something along the lines of, I hate to be ‘that mom,’ but do you have guns in your house? And if so, how are they stored? So far, all the parents I’ve asked have said no to the first question, so a conversation about how guns are stored hasn’t yet happened.
One mom even responded to me with I love that you’re that mom. And it made me realize we’re all on the same team in trying to give our kids a sense of independence while keeping them safe.
Who else will be at home during the play date?
Personally, I would only allow my kids to be dropped off at a playdate if I knew both parents well. But I still ask what other adults will be present. You never know if someone lives in a multi-generational household, or has out-of-town visitors or neighbors who might be present, or is a single parent with a significant other.
While I’m OK with leaving my kids with adults I know well, if there were going to be other adults there, my answer would likely be no, especially if I hadn’t met the other adult.
Will the kids be supervised the entire time?
Since my kids are only 5 and 7 years old, most parents would likely supervise them during the playdate. But it never hurts to ask. They could have an older sibling whom the parents trust to watch their younger siblings for short periods of time. This question also subtly lets the other parent know that you expect your kid to be supervised while they’re at their home.
And if they say no? You’d have to weigh the risk of letting your kid go to a house where they will have less supervision. I would only be OK with this if they lived nearby, didn’t have a pool or a pet, and the other child didn’t have phones/internet.
Do you have pets or a pool?
Let’s be clear, I love dogs. My kids love dogs. But I know that not all dogs love kids. That’s why when my kids have friends over, my dog takes a “rest” in his crate. Here’s why: more than half of all dog bite victims are children, while kids between the ages of 5 and 9 are the most likely targets. So I always ask if there will be pets in the home, if those pets will be out, and whether those pets are comfortable with children.
And we probably all know the stats about kids and drowning. So I almost always say no if the house has a pool. My kids are new swimmers, and I’m just not comfortable with them being near water (even if they’re not swimming) when I’m not there.
Does your son/daughter have a phone/access to the internet?
When my kids were young, I could essentially pick who they were friends with, i.e., the kids of my mom friends. Most of these kids were parenting very similarly in terms of discipline, attachment, and screentime, so it was easy.
But now that both my boys are in school, they are making their own friends. While I love that they are branching out, I also know less about how these kids are parented and what their house rules are in terms of video games, YouTube, and internet access. So before a drop-off playdate, I always ask whether kids will be allowed to be on devices, if they have access to the internet, and if they have a phone.
I’m extremely wary about my kids having access to the internet or being posted without my permission. Once at a semi-professional baseball game in our home city, my five-year-old was talking to some older boys. He’s super social, so I wasn’t worried until he told me that the older boys had posted a video of him on their TikTok. While it’s a different situation, it highlights how easy it is for kids to end up online without their parents’ permission.
Mind if I stick around for a bit?
This one is easy enough. I simply text something along the lines of X is a bit slow to get comfortable in a new place. Mind if I stick around for a bit? That way, I can get a feel for the house rules, what adults will be around and how they act around my child, plus if there are any immediate dangers I should be aware of, like an unfenced pool or reactive dog. It’s also a great way to meet the parents in person before a drop-off playdate.
When a drop-off playdate doesn’t feel right
Sometimes, a drop-off playdate just doesn’t feel right. Whether it’s unfamiliar adults in the home, a pool, a lack of supervision, or more access to the internet than what I’m comfortable with, sometimes I simply can’t sign on.
Usually, I send a text to decline the drop-off playdate, something along the lines of: Thanks so much for the invite! I don’t think a playdate works this time, but we’d love to have [child’s name] over [new proposed date/time] or meet for a supervised playdate at a park or other spot. It’s an easy way to decline when you’re just not comfortable with a drop-off playdate.
That way, it’s ambiguous why you’re saving no, and suggesting a new date and time doesn’t close the door completely. It just does so on your terms. And you’re essentially giving the other mom a break—and what mom doesn’t need a break?
My rules for hosting a drop-off playdate
Whether to allow drop-off playdates is something I’ve struggled with as a mom of young elementary school kids. So I always try to be proactive when inviting another child to our home.
In addition to the logistics of time, day, address, and allergy info, I always share a few activities we have planned, and tell them if my husband, who often works from home, will be present. When the child is dropped off, I’ll always invite the parent in, but make it clear that’s not expected.
Another thing I do? I keep our dog in his crate for the duration of the playdate. While I love dogs, you just never know how they might react to a new person in the home.
If it’s a new friend, I will snap a few photos of the kids while they’re playing to send to the other mom, though I never post online without permission. These days, I feel a bit more comfortable with drop-off playdates. But sleepovers are another story…
Rachel Morgan Cautero, Contributing Writer
Rachel is a full-time freelance writer based in Ponte Vedra, Florida. When she’s not busy wrangling a toddler, preschooler, and one very stubborn French bulldog, she’s writing on all things personal finance and parenting. Her work has appeared in The Atlantic, Forbes, Parents, The Balance, Yahoo Finance, Truly Mama, SmartAsset, HerMoney, and DailyWorth.
