The end of 2025 was a particularly tough time for me. In mid-October, my grandma, at 84 years old, passed away. Watching my mom navigate grief while having to think logically and make decisions regarding what she thought her mom would’ve wanted or done was really hard for me, and it came with a lot of feelings. From having to sort through her important paperwork to planning a funeral, I watched with a careful eye, knowing that one day, I would be in her shoes doing the exact same thing.
What I wasn’t anticipating was that it would be nearly six weeks to the day that my own father would pass away. And there I was, an eldest daughter and “next of kin” sorting through my dad’s belongings, planning a funeral, trying to piece together his life, and make decisions I was not prepared to make. Never in my life has my own mortality become so real to me. I decided to create an “If I Die” binder with clear, written instructions so that I would never leave my loved ones with a mess to sort through while also dealing with my death, even though it’s tough to think about.
Read More:
- Financial Reset for Moms: What to Do Now to Set Up Your Family for Success
- Difficult Conversations: How to Help Kids Cope With Grief and Loss
Why I created an ‘If I Die’ binder
No one likes to think about dying, especially if you’re a relatively young, healthy mom with kids. We all want to see our children grow up to be successful, loving adults, and maybe one day meet our grandchildren if that’s what they decide they want. But when my 13-year-old daughter asked me from the backseat of my car as we were driving home from my grandma’s funeral if I had a living will, I knew my goal for 2026 would be to “get my life together” for both my loved ones and my peace of mind. Here’s what I put in my “If I die” binder.
What to put in an ‘If I Die’ binder
A letter to my family
First, I have a letter to my family. I am a single mom, so my letter was written with the intent that my mom or sister will be handling all of this. This is a letter that I will continue to update annually, along with reviewing the binder for updates. This letter will also contain the password to access my laptop and phone. In a world where everything lives online, these are the most important passwords to note.
A list of people to call
Not everyone has social media or checks it regularly, so you can’t rely on a social media post that someone else makes about you to reach everyone. Leave a list of people that you want to receive a phone call after you’ve passed. Along with their name and number, leave a short description of who this person is and why they matter to you. This list can include close friends, emergency contacts, doctors, or therapists.
Care of children
Even if you have legal documentation elsewhere, make sure to state your guardianship wishes. Who do you want around your kids during this very sensitive time? If you are divorced, how do you want your family to continue to show up for your kids? Other things to think about:
- Daily rhythms of your home: what does your typical day together look like?
- What are the small things only you know?
- What comforts them when they’re anxious or sad, what are their favorite ways to celebrate successes, and how to best discipline or correct them?
- List their closest friends, along with contact info for those friends
- Extracurricular activities they’re involved in
- Technology and media: screen-time rules and passwords
- Any special traditions and joys that you shared with your children that you hope get carried on.
Medical and end-of-life wishes
Be clear, direct, and compassionate. Spelling it out clearly ahead of time will make things that much easier for your loved ones. This is also where you would want to have a living will, DNR preferences, a list of medications you’re taking, your doctor(s) contact information, and any organ donation wishes.
Money, accounts, and practical life information
Your bank accounts, investments, and retirement plans should all be listed here. Along with money, your life insurance policy, your mortgage or rent information, and where they can access your password manager. Never write your usernames and passwords to specific accounts in this binder. I would recommend a program similar to Google Password Manager. If you have a Google account, you can add up to 10 recipients to receive any data once your account has been inactive for three months. Also, if you happen to be an Apple/iPhone user, you can go into your settings and select ‘Legacy Contact’ to receive access to your iCloud data if you pass away. With this, you will need a copy of a death certificate, which can take a bit to get depending on the circumstances, so be mindful of that.
Work and public life
Have your employer contact and benefits information listed. What kind of ongoing projects or social commitments are you part of? Give your family clear instructions for what to do with your social media and online presence, if you have one.
Your home
Where can they find important documents like your social security card and birth certificate? One thing I learned throughout this process is that you need to provide a Social Security number to start processing a death certificate. Other things to think about:
- School account logins
- Pet care (if applicable)
- Subscriptions to cancel
- Utilities
Think about the things that go unnoticed in your house.
Letters for later
Writing letters to your family to put in your “If I Die” binder is hard to think about and do, but it’s the last bit of you that you can give your kids. My grandma died a few weeks before my birthday, and for as long as I can remember, she mailed a card every year to my house with money in it that said, “Don’t tell your grandpa.” As we were going through her things, I was somewhat hoping that we would come across a card for me that she hadn’t mailed yet. This is your opportunity to write letters to your children for all the future milestones that you might miss. Write a note to your partner or co-parent. You can also write some details of words you want, or don’t want, mentioned at any memorial service.
How I feel now that I have one
As daunting a task as this can be, creating this “If I Die” binder gives you the gift of peace. My family is aware that this binder exists and knows where to find it in case I pass away. It’s stored in a place where my kids can’t accidentally come across it, as I don’t want to cause them any unnecessary anxiety.
After enduring the past few months that I have, I also encourage anyone with aging parents to do the same thing. Knowing that your family won’t be left wondering what to do after you’ve died shows just how much you love them. Making this technical process as seamless as possible gives them more space to deal with losing you. If I’ve learned anything over the past few months, it’s that the world doesn’t stop when you’re grieving, as badly as you might just want to put everything on pause.
Maria Childs, Contributing Writer
Maria Childs is a marketing and communications professional living in Milwaukee. She is passionate about motherhood, co-parenting, and being a girl mom. When she’s not busy working in K-12 public education, you can find her running her two daughters to sports practices, dancing to Taylor Swift, browsing bookstores, and catching up with friends.
