"Every so often, I’ll get a text or DM from a friend (or sometimes, someone I haven’t spoken to in years) with a message asking for my thoughts on being an only child. Often, these messages will say something along the lines of “You’re the only only child I can think of, and I didn’t know who else to ask: What is it really like for you? We’re thinking of being one-and-done but wanted to check with an only child to get their thoughts.”
My initial answer is always the same: There’s no right or wrong number of children to have. If your family feels good with one child, or if adding a second child would cause too much financial strain for your family, or you have health concerns that would make a second pregnancy risky, those are all great reasons to be a one child family.
But more importantly, you don’t need a reason at all. If you just… don’t want to have a second baby, that’s all that matters.
I understand how complicated these choices can be
But on a deeper level, I understand how complicated these choices can be. Maybe you don’t necessarily want that second baby now, but you do want your child to have a sibling, for example.
Ultimately, as parents, we have to play the long game when it comes to raising our kids—and if you’re wondering what the experience of navigating life as an only child looks like through childhood, early adulthood, and early motherhood, I’m here to share a little look at how I’ve experienced it.
Of course, these are just my experiences and my opinions. I can’t speak for every only child out there. But because being a millennial only child is fairly rare, and there simply aren’t that many adult “onlies” out there, I am happy to be the friend you can hear from if you don’t have someone in your life to reach out to with questions.
A small family means more flexibility
To put it simply? Having a small family allows you to do a lot of cool things. As a family of three, we did a lot of traveling, for example. With just one child, it’s easier (and more affordable) to fly, stay in a hotel, and explore new sights. It’s also so much easier when you only have to coordinate one kid’s school breaks and schedule.
Yes, privilege plays a role here, but having one child truly does make the logistics of family travel and outings so much simpler, and when I look back at my childhood, that’s one thing that really stands out as a positive of being an only child.
More family time together
As a mom of two, I notice how pulled in multiple directions families can be as my kids have reached elementary school age (and multiple activities, schedules, friend groups have come into play).
Because one parent may be shuttling one kid to an activity while the other takes the second child to a birthday party, family time becomes harder to come by.
That’s one great value of having one child: Fitting in time for family is tough (we’re all so busy!), but it isn’t as complicated for a three-person family, when there’s only one child’s schedule and activities to work around.
Only children grow up fast
I’ve always felt older than I am, and most only children I meet express the same feeling.
As an only child, you’re often the only kid in the room, which means you get really comfortable in the company of adults. While my own kids are often chatting with one another about all the things that happened at school, I didn’t have that option at home, so I spent a lot of time making conversation with my parents—and I think that really boosted my emotional maturity, which is something many other only children say they’ve felt as well.
The ‘selfish only child’ narrative
There’s a narrative that only children don’t know how to share or think about other people. In my humble opinion, I think that’s overstated. But what I have noticed about myself as an only child is that I struggle to get out of my comfort zone.
For example, I went on a ski trip a few years ago and felt totally thrown off by the experience of doing something I’ve never done before. And then it occurred to me. As an only child, I lacked the type of exposure to different activities many kids get through their siblings.
I never had a sibling who wanted to do things that were outside my comfort zone. And while I was exposed to things I didn’t necessarily want to do (like playing team sports—so not my thing), I didn’t get the same type or frequency of exposure to other activities that peers of mine who have siblings did.
My threshold for chaos is… not great
I also find that as an only child, I get overstimulated really easily. I’m used to a quiet, calm environment because I wasn’t the kid who engaged in a lot of rough play with siblings. Rather, I was the kid who spent most of my time reading, drawing, or practicing gymnastics.
Because I’m just not used to being around chaos, the day-to-day of parenting two young kids can be overwhelming, to say the least (though to be fair, I don’t think I’ve met a single parent who would say otherwise).
I also feel overwhelmed in crowds, loud spaces, and even in office settings. A lot of my fellow only children express similar sentiments. I fall somewhere in the middle on the introvert/extrovert scale, but I have always felt more comfortable in calmer social environments as opposed to large group settings.
I really enjoy my own company
As an only child, I feel really comfortable living inside my own head. Yes, I know that sounds weird, but it’s something I really like about myself, and I attribute so much of it to being an only child.
I like being alone, probably more than most people do. I think the amount of time I spent away from other kids as a child helped me become more imaginative and a deeper thinker. Of course, that’s not to say kids with siblings don’t develop those skills. But I do think they really get sharpened when you spend a lot of your childhood finding ways to entertain yourself.
Having a village is important
I believe in the power of the village for every kid, but I think it’s especially important for only children. As an only child, your world can feel small. That’s why my advice to parents who have only children will always be this: Fill their lives up with community. Allow them to spend time with extended family as much as possible, but friends are important, too. Encouraging strong friendships goes a long way in expanding their world beyond their parents.
Being an only child can be lonely even into adulthood
As a child, I craved the company of other kids, but not to the point that I disliked being an only child. I actually really enjoyed living in a small family. For me, being an only child allowed me to develop an incredibly special relationship with my parents.
But in adulthood, being an only child can feel really lonely. I didn’t have an older sibling to tell me what postpartum would feel like, or a younger sibling to act as my kids’ fun uncle. Sure, I have friends who are aunts and uncles to my kids, but nothing quite matches up to the bond I see friends with siblings enjoy as they become adults.
Of course, a sibling isn’t a guarantee of that special, tight-knit relationship. But it would have been nice to share those moments with someone. I feel the loneliness most in tough times, especially as I watch my own parents age. Being an only child and aging into the sandwich generation is a really heavy, isolating experience.
There’s also a lot of pressure that comes with it, too: You have the full weight of someone’s dreams on your shoulders, and it’s hard to not be influenced by that to some degree.
There are pros and cons to every family size
There is no perfect number of children to have. I’ll stand by that always. And being an only child isn’t a singular experience: I’m sure there will be other only children who didn’t experience it the way I did.
But generally speaking, I think being an only child is both wonderful and difficult. And so is being one of two children, or one of three, or one child in a large family. There’s no perfect way to approach family size, and there’s no wrong way to do it either (as long as you can emotionally and financially handle the number of children you have without compromising anyone’s care).
So if you want to be one-and-done and it feels right for you? That’s the right path.
Zara Hanawalt, Contributing Writer
Zara is a twin mom and freelance journalist with over a decade of experience covering parenting, women’s health, and culture. In addition to The Everymom, she’s written for outlets like Vogue, Marie Claire, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Parents, Shape, Motherly, The New York Times for Kids, What to Expect, and many others. In her spare time, she enjoys reading, cooking, travel, watching TV, and trying new restaurants.