Recently, while grocery shopping, my two toddlers loudly decided they did NOT want to ride in the cart anymore. Have you ever tried to push a shopping cart while holding the hand of a 3- and 18-month-old? Shopping with toddlers should be considered an Olympic sport. We laughed, we cried, and we dropped apples on the ground. With my superhuman-mom-strength, I managed to push the cart, carry both of my daughters, and get everything crossed off our list. Hands full, cart full, heart full. Check!
This experience made me wonder for the umpteenth time how moms do anything with more than two children. How?! What would grocery shopping look like with three children if my husband and I decide to have another baby? I only have two hands!
Common sense says we’re done having kids: finances, our ages, the size of our home, and previous pregnancy complications all affect the decision to keep our family size as-is. Not to mention my ability to work from home while taking care of our children full time. The odds are stacked against the joy that becoming a mom again would bring me. But I also think joy should never be counted out of the equation. So, how do you know when you’re done having kids?
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TL;DR
When deciding whether your family is complete, consider finances (the real cost of raising another child), pregnancy/health risks (especially for high-risk or complicated prior pregnancies), your other children’s needs (can you give everyone enough attention?), age (fertility and health risks rise for both parents as they get older), relationship alignment and support (are both partners genuinely on board?), and emotional readiness (the harder-to-quantify feeling of grief or longing tied to closing that chapter). But you may notice some signs your family is complete. The takeaway: there’s no single “right” answer, and it’s okay to sit with uncertainty rather than force a decision before you’re ready.
How to Know When You’re Done Having Kids
There are so many factors to think about, both practical and emotional. Here are some things my husband and I are considering as we decide whether we’re done having children. The list may help you, too.
Family Finances
The financial aspect of having another child is a huge factor for many families. According to a report by Lending Tree, it now costs over $300,000 to raise a child to age 18 ($16,857/year). Additionally, most families spend 20 percent of their income on childcare, while the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) states child care is “affordable” when it costs families no more than seven percent of their household income. In a recent reader survey by The Everymom, the cost of childcare was overwhelmingly stated as directly affecting whether parents are done having kids or waiting a certain amount of time to have more.
Finances are my husband’s main concern about whether to expand our family, too (he’s the accountant, I’m the dreamer). When we look at our financial obligations, goals, and the cost of living, adding another baby changes things considerably. My attitude towards most obstacles is Where there’s a will, there’s a way! However, the expense of having another baby isn’t our only reservation.
Potential Pregnancy Complications
I was on strict bed rest during my first pregnancy and “modified” bed rest during my second. Just getting my toddler dressed sparked painful contractions. It was very difficult to be an inactive mom: no strolling around our farmers’ market, camping trips, or gardening. Lying on the couch for months, worrying about the health of my unborn baby, while my little girls beg me to take them on a walk is not a scenario I like to imagine. Then, a little voice in my head reminds me that pregnancy doesn’t last forever.
Pregnancy is a miraculous journey, but it can also be extremely challenging for many women. Fertility challenges, high-risk pregnancies, gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, preterm delivery, bed rest… the list of complications is endless. (Not to mention short maternity leave or lack thereof!)
In a perfect world, parents would plan for pregnancy, prioritize their own health, and work with their doctor about ways to minimize risks. Additionally, in this perfect world, postpartum would be a time to emphasize nutrition, rest, as well as receiving mental health and feeding support. However, life isn’t perfect, so when thinking about expanding our family, these realities are important to consider.
Other Children’s Needs
My second biggest concern is my ability to give my daughters plus another baby all the attention they need. I felt so guilty when I had my second child because there wasn’t enough of me to go around. (There still isn’t sometimes!) My oldest was 2 then, and loved to be held, needed constant supervision, and wasn’t ready to give up her “baby” title yet. If we have another baby, perhaps waiting until our kids are more independent would make it more manageable? On the other hand, now that they play together, they’re best friends and their age gap seems just right.
Age Considerations
These are the thoughts ricocheting back and forth in my mind as I try to decide whether we’re done having kids. But my husband and I aren’t getting any younger, so if we wait much longer, would that complicate things even more? I’m 32, and he’s 36. Of course, plenty of women have babies after 40, but women older than 35 have an increased risk of premature birth and genetic abnormalities, and could experience greater fertility challenges.
Also, contrary to popular belief, a father’s age does play a part in the health of the baby. Based on a study conducted by scientists at Stanford, older dads, specifically fathers older than 35, increase the risk for a variety of health complications, and the risks increase as the father’s age increases. However, parents over the age of 35 have healthy babies every day, so while it’s important to be educated on all the potential risks, it’s not a deal breaker.
Relationship Health and Support
What happens when your partner wants another baby, but you’re still adjusting to motherhood? Or you feel like a single married parent, and you could only imagine having another child if you had more support from your partner? Or you’re a single mom wondering if you have the support to have another child on your own? Taking stock of your relationship and your parenting village is an important step in deciding whether or not to be done having kids.
A deal breaker would be if my husband doesn’t want another baby. Having a child is hard enough, and knowing that my partner isn’t fully on board would be very difficult for me. Not to mention that during my previous pregnancies, he took care of everything and endured every moment of trauma with me. I wouldn’t blame him if he doesn’t want to go through that again while taking care of our two daughters. However, I know he would never tell me “no” on a life-changing decision like this, just like I would never make the decision without his full support. We both agree that we aren’t ready for another baby right now, but we will continue to talk about what we want for our future.
Emotional Considerations
We feel content with the current size of our family, but that could change for me as our daughters get older. Perhaps the ache that I feel to keep my options open is just from wanting time to stop. Diaper changes, sleepless nights, contact naps, breastfeeding, singing Old MacDonald Had a Farm one hundred times: I never want it to end. Seriously!
“Perhaps the ache that I feel to keep my options open is just from wanting time to stop.”
I am not ready to put the baby days behind me. I listen to my daughters giggling, I hold their tiny hands in mine, and think, maybe one more… someday. One more child to love, read to every night, and dance around the kitchen with. As our children experience each “first,” it’s like I’m experiencing each moment for the first time as well. The first snowfall, roller coaster ride, roasting marshmallows—their childhood is my motherhood.
I get the most emotional about this topic when I pack up my daughters’ clothing that no longer fits (Do you hug and smell your favorite baby clothes as you’re folding them too?) I keep all their clothes in the basement in clear boxes, labeled and waiting, like an egg about to hatch. Will our future baby wear it? Or will we lovingly pass them down to a niece or nephew? This may sound dramatic, but it’s honest: deciding that I am over having children feels like a part of me is dying. And here’s another hard truth: not having another baby might be what’s best for everyone.
“This may sound dramatic, but deciding that I am over having children feels like a part of me is dying. But not having another baby might be what’s best for everyone.”
Signs You May Be Done Having Kids
The questions, reflections, and “what if’s” will march along in my mind until the time comes to reach a verdict, and that’s a good thing. The decision to have a baby, or to try to have a baby, or to “see what happens” is monumental, and should be approached as such. Although I’ve also read that, for some people, wondering whether to have more kids never really goes away. But if you’re thinking you might be done, here are some potential signs:
- Yearning to feel like yourself again
- Dreading how your body would physically handle another pregnancy
- Worrying about how you would mentally handle another pregnancy
- Stressing about your family’s financial well-being
- Feeling already stretched thin with what you have
- Feeling mild panic when a period is late
- Feeling annoyed your partner won’t get a vasectomy
- Seeing a pregnancy announcement and not feeling sad
- Attending a baby shower and feeling grateful it’s not for you
- Picturing only your existing family in your future
- General feeling that your family feels complete
I’m not totally there yet, and ultimately, my husband and I will do what is best for our entire family. And I feel fortunate the decision is still ours to make. For now, I choose to lean into the unknown and embrace this season of life, this in-between place where no final decision needs to be made. (Yet.)
What if the decision is complicated?
Whatever you’re feeling, you’re not alone. Read more personal stories from parents wrestling with whether or not to have more children:
Emily C. Shepard, Contributing Writer
Emily is a mom, writer, and teacher. She lives in the Midwest with her husband, two young daughters, and dogs. As a bookworm, enthusiastic researcher, and lifelong learner, Emily can’t wait to share her insight on motherhood and healthy living with readers. You can find Emily outside, growing alongside her children and wildflowers.
Kathy Sisson, Senior Editor
Kathy Sisson has been a key contributor in the editorial parenting space for nearly a decade, not only as a full-time editor at The Everymom but previously as a freelance writer for top parenting sites, including Scary Mommy, Motherly, Parent Co., and more. As an editor at The Everymom, she has produced hundreds of articles on a range of parenting topics, reviewed dozens of family-focused products, interviewed leading experts in the children and parenting world, and created viral parenting social media content. A mom of two, she is committed to sharing the honest, helpful, and often humorous stories of motherhood.
