"It’s strange to see social media give a label to and glorify something that was simply your daily existence for so long. I was a ‘tradwife’ before it became a TikTok trend, and now I’m not one anymore.
After the social media explosion and deep dive over the last couple of weeks about a certain tradwife influencer, I can’t help but draw parallels that, in both our cases, there was a deep, dark secret lurking behind the seemingly perfect surface. Looking back, now at almost two and a half years after leaving my then-husband, I can see how those very lifestyle choices I consciously pursued to create a sense of safety, security, and stability for my family were what essentially created an unsafe environment for me and my children.
So, why did I choose to live my life the way I did? Doom-scrolling through comments on tradwife videos shows how disdainful the vast majority of the online community is towards them. Multiple times, I have seen users leave comments questioning the sanity of these tradwives.
Why would any woman in this day and age, with the ability to fall back on an education and to generate independent income, choose what seems to be a life of servitude? And how is a tradwife different from a stay-at-home mom?
The Difference Between a Tradwife and a Stay-at-Home Mom
Put simply, a stay-at-home mom is exactly as the name suggests: a woman opting out of paid employment to raise her children. A tradwife is a step further, ostensibly being a woman who, in addition to staying home to raise children, typically adopts homemaking practices harkening back to simpler, more traditional (trad) times. The tradwife movement often indulges a lifestyle called ‘homesteading,’ growing their own food and homeschooling their children. The tradwife ‘aesthetic’ is often completed with keeping chickens and preserving foods. The key difference between a SAHM and a tradwife, beyond that aesthetic, lays a deep sense of submission to one’s spouse as well as often going ‘above and beyond’ to make his home life experience more than comfortable.
“The key difference between a SAHM and a tradwife, beyond that aesthetic, lays a deep sense of submission to one’s spouse as well as often going ‘above and beyond’ to make his home life experience more than comfortable.”
And while tradwives have in recent years taken to social media to project a whimsical version of a life in an attempt to make it covetable, what is almost always unspoken about is the mental load that tradwives carry. All mothers notoriously shoulder the majority of the mental load in a household, and with the tradwife lifestyle, this pressure goes a step further.
And with the responsibilities, both mental and physical, that come with the tradwife lifestyle, tradwives are at risk for social isolation. Even if we do have our villages and support systems, chances are we are too caught up in our daily responsibilities to be able to make the time for consistent, meaningful human connection with fellow adults.
All of these factors culminate to make the tradwife paradigm the perfect playing field for men with psychopathic or narcissistic tendencies—naturally having a way to isolate their victim and perpetuate mental and emotional abuse, exercise financial control, and, in my case, even physical abuse.
Why I Chose to be a ‘Tradwife’
So, why did I choose the lifestyle I did? My reasoning was simple. At the time, I didn’t know I was choosing a particular lifestyle—one that could be labeled and grouped into a box. It was simply a set of decisions I made that I believed best suited the short-term and long-term needs of my family. This is something I want to reiterate: Every family dynamic is unique, and my reasonings and choices are valid for my particular set of experiences. I chose to have these children and bring them into this world, and what worked best for our family, in terms of providing these children with the best possible care, was for me to be at home.
And let me start off by saying that thanks to my spouse’s work, we were in a position for me to stay home; the privilege of that choice is not lost on me. My income would have been surplus to our daily needs and would definitely have funded some more exorbitant materialistic ‘wants,’ but after weighing the pros and cons, I realized what was important for me was to spend my children’s early years together with them on a full-time basis. Again, this was a personal choice and one that made the most sense to me. And as for fulfillment, parenting was a conscious choice I made, and it provided me with a sense of fulfillment and contentment without making my happiness codependent on my children.
I wanted them close to me; I didn’t like the idea of them spending their most formative years away from me in the care of others; I wanted to guide them and show them the world and witness first-hand, without missing a moment, the flourishing of their personalities and senses of self. For that reason, I also decided to homeschool—I have many misgivings about the formal education system, which is beyond the scope of this opinion piece but which also factored into my decision to adopt this lifestyle.
In today’s fast-paced lifestyle and disconnect from nature, I also wanted my children to experience first-hand the quiet magic of watching things grow and understand the silent language of the natural world. So we began growing food. Motherhood has become the catalyst for so much of my holistic growth as a person, as I know I have little ones who look up to me as their yardstick for everything in life—what a privilege that is. I always enjoyed cooking from scratch, and it was something I indulged in long before marrying. So that was also a natural extension of our lifestyle.
Daily Life as a Tradwife
And so, my husband would go to work in the morning, and I would hold down the fort at home raising our children and relishing the joys of homemaking. He would come home from work to a freshly-cooked, warm meal and a clean set of clothes waiting for him to change into from his work attire.
A few minutes before his arrival home, I’d change into something more presentable, put on a little makeup and perfume, and do my hair. This particular practice, a major tenet of the tradwife lifestyle, has received a lot of backlash online. But I frankly question their logic. If you are in a committed, loving relationship, wouldn’t you want to make an effort to look good for your spouse? This goes both ways, but obviously the fashion and beauty industry almost exclusively targets females. The idea of ‘looking presentable’ as a woman stereotypically includes a lot more processes than looking presentable as a man.
Why should I only make an effort to look good for my partner during the early stages of a relationship? Looking good also made me feel more confident. And my husband spent his days in a corporate environment surrounded by women dressed for the role. Why should he come home to a stark difference? No, it wasn’t insecurity; it was simply effort and an investment into the long-term well-being of our relationship. Was I always going to live this way? No, I had always planned to return to the workforce once the children were a little older. And I was exploring ways to make that possible while homeschooling.
So this was my life in a nutshell. But there’s only so much you can control. You cannot control someone else’s behavior.
Our Dark Secret
Underlying our seemingly perfect life was a deep, dark secret, one that I could only withstand for so long. My husband, as a result of issues arising from a deeply traumatic childhood, developed a substance dependency. This was something that developed halfway through our marriage and was not prevalent in its early years. But with substance abuse, dependency increases in proportionality to life stressors, as a substitute for resilience. While a deeply loving and committed father, this was a demon he didn’t admit needed fighting. As a partner, there was only so much support and love I could provide. And over time, it was not enough.
As the months and years wore on, the demons got darker, and the harsher aspects of his personality became highlighted. It reached a point where I was walking on eggshells, afraid to express my opinions or needs as this new monster appeared before my very eyes. One who tried as best as he could to break my spirit through physical abuse, financial abuse, and mental abuse. As long as I kept quiet, the happy carousel of our life would go on. And so, I immersed myself in all the responsibilities of my tradwife lifestyle: the gardening, the homeschooling, the cooking, the cosleeping… the list went on.
“As long as I kept quiet, the happy carousel of our life would go on.”
Writing this from the position of having experienced and survived this, I question what made me stay quiet for so long. But when you are in the thick of it, it is hard to disassociate the abuser from the partner who you share your life with—the one who does the bedtime routine with you and crashes on the couch with you in the evening watching Netflix.
I was also scared, so very scared, of the unknown. What was to happen if I left? Would I be sure to get custody of my children? How would I make ends meet after being out of the workforce for so long? So, considering all of this, I decided, better the devil you know. As long as my children were safe. Again, writing this sounds beyond insane; how could children be safe in a home with a father who had a drug addiction? But the way he did it made it easier to rationalize at the time: Drugs weren’t brought into the house, or they were consumed in the evenings and slept off before the children were awake.
But, when it became apparent that my husband’s drug habits were getting out of hand and that the effects couldn’t be ‘slept off’ anymore, I took the plunge into the unknown. I knew anything would be safer for my children than the current situation.
Leaving My Tradwife Life
In retrospect, leaving the marriage was the best thing I could have done for myself and my children; but at the time, the prospect of the unknown was terrifying. What compounded that fear was the lack of financial independence. When I think about it, I know without a shadow of a doubt that had I had my own source of income and employment, I would have left much sooner.
So that begs the question: How sustainable, or more importantly, how safe is the tradwife lifestyle? It can be extremely isolating, making one more vulnerable to abuse and control. While I believe that this lifestyle is viable and even commendable in some cases, it can only be safely lived if you know 100 percent that your partner is reliable, trustworthy, respectful, and appreciative of your contributions. Even so, having a source of independent income is an important safety net to have, and unfortunately, the world is still a long way off from having global mechanisms that make flexible work more of a reality for mothers of young children.
What My Life Looks Like Now
And so, what does my life look like now? I was grateful to have my family’s home to return to until I figured out my next steps. I had an education to fall back on—a master’s degree from an extremely prestigious university. And I have great interpersonal skills—something which made the job hunt easier. I know not everyone leaving an unhealthy relationship has the same privileges.
I found a full-time corporate job, another house, and enrolled my two children in formal schooling. While that decision not to homeschool hurt me a lot initially, and still does sometimes, I chose a school that does not assign homework and does not believe in assessments and rankings. In a way, I feel I’m still carrying on with some of my values as a homeschooling mother. I feel like I’ve lived two entirely different lives: one of the ‘tradwife’ homeschooling her children, and one of the full-time working single mother.
What I Would Say to Other Moms
So what would someone with my… unique… experiences share with other tradwives or stay-at-home moms? Always have something you can fall back on. We all want to think the best of our partners. We all want that sense of security and trust, but life throws curveballs, and you need to be prepared.
- Learn about investing and passive income. Start small, no matter how small.
- See how you can monetize your skills.
- Try to develop yourself in a professional capacity—even through self-paced online courses.
- Do not isolate yourself—this is very important. It can be very easy to (happily) get sucked into the life of staying at home and mothering young children, but keep networking even if it’s online; keep abreast of market trends.
- Create a detailed hypothetical Plan B and work towards having the means to make it possible if the need ever arises
- Discuss with your partner having assets that include your name; as a woman staying at home to raise children and running a household, your work and contribution are invaluable and deserve recognition and compensation; what that compensation looks like will be different from family to family.
So now, two years after leaving my tradwife life, would I do anything differently?
I am still immensely grateful that I got to spend those years at home with my children, guiding their development and cultivating in them a deep sense of love for home and nature. I wouldn’t change that for anything. But if I knew then what I know now, I would seriously undertake those six advice points I provided above. I wouldn’t take anything for granted, and I would recognize that, at the end of the day, you are the only one responsible for protecting yourself: physically, mentally, and financially.