There’s this idea that if you want a happy marriage, you have to schedule a weekly date night and take regular vacations without your kids. There should be all the traditional trappings of romance at every turn: fancy restaurants, candlelit meals, couples massages, and leisurely time spent connecting with your partner. Parents *need* these regular date nights and getaways to keep their relationships from falling apart, we’re told.
But do you know any parents whose lives actually look like this on a regular basis? Because I don’t.
For most parents—especially parents of little ones—this advice just doesn’t work. Childcare isn’t always accessible, for one thing. Budgets can be tight. And, of course, there’s the energy drain: Chasing kids around all day doesn’t exactly leave you wanting to get dressed, set up a babysitter, prepare your children for said babysitter, and go out on a date. Even just thinking about it all is exhausting.
Traditional marriage advice isn’t serving modern-day parents, so what if we rewrite the rules?
My husband and I have an evening ritual that feels unconventional, yet it works for us—and it gives us a low-effort (but ultimately really effective) way to strengthen our marriage. Right now, as parents of two preschoolers, we’re saying no to family dinners.
Truth be told, we implemented this routine for logistical reasons. At 6 p.m., we’re often scrambling to finish up work, whether for our careers or around the home. Our kids are ready to wind down for the day and eat dinner, but we’re not. So instead of eating a family meal, one of us supervises the kids while they eat, and the other does whatever needs to be done, like laundry, meal prep, exercise, or wrapping up deadlines. We follow that up with a family bedtime routine, and after we put the kids to bed, I cook our dinner, and my husband and I eat alone.
This setup isn’t for everyone. But for us, two-night owls who really enjoy a nice meal and prefer a late dinner, it’s been pretty great.
Having dinner together gives us built-in quality time. Instead of immediately flopping down in front of the TV after our kids go to bed, we sit down and talk. We’re not attempting to manage two fidgety kids while we enjoy our dinner, we’re just focusing on reconnecting. We still love getting out for the occasional date night at a restaurant, but our at-home dinners feel so much more manageable on a regular basis. We don’t have to set up childcare, get dressed up, or even leave the house.
Again, this isn’t something that’ll work for all families.
My husband and I both work from home, and our kids are only in school for half the day right now. We spend a lot of time with them, so prioritizing family dinners doesn’t feel as necessary. We don’t completely disregard the benefits of family mealtimes (we actually love taking the kids out to lunch on weekends). But we also realize that there are a finite number of hours in the day, and prioritizing our marriage is ultimately really beneficial for our family as well. This is temporary: When our kids are spending more time out of the house in full-time school, we’ll implement family dinners most nights while fitting in date nights (either at home or at a restaurant) when we can.
As a mom who doesn’t go into an office or have co-workers to chat with throughout the day, I crave adult interaction big time. Having a late, kid-free dinner provides that. If you’re someone who works on-site every day, you may really rely on dinnertime to squeeze in time with your family (and after your kids go to bed, you may be “talked out” and desperately need to just zone out in front of your favorite show). That’s OK!
Ultimately, it’s about finding ways to nurture your relationship in whatever way feels realistic for you.
That could involve meeting your partner for lunch during the workday, eating takeout together after the kids go to bed on Saturday nights, or scheduling a 10-minute screen-free chat every night. Whatever feels good to you is a good thing. If you feel like you’re failing at maintaining your marriage because you’re not having fancy date nights every single week, you are not.
But making time for partnership—whatever that looks like—is worth it, IMO.
As parents, when you’re managing a million things, it can be so easy to go days without having a meaningful conversation with your partner or even just laughing together. Making time to simply talk to your partner requires some effort, but I like to think of it as a skill or a muscle that needs to be maintained. The more you do it, the more natural it becomes.
I’m not a marriage expert, but I am a mom who has spent the last eight years writing about parenthood. I know what modern-day parents are truly up against—and I know how stale and unrealistic existing marriage advice can feel when set against a backdrop families are navigating right now. And I know that sometimes, parents are better served by rejecting the pieces of advice that don’t simplify their lives. So consider this your sign to ditch the guilt if you’re not “doing it right” and planning “enough” date nights. At the end of the day, it’s about finding what works for you, your partner, and your family… even if it doesn’t involve a candlelit restaurant every weekend.
