When my ex-husband and I separated in October 2023, I had one goal: to co-parent as amicably as possible. At the time, our daughter had just turned 4, and I knew we had a long road ahead of us. Fast forward to today, and my divorce attorney has actually asked me for advice to tell her clients when they say they want to have the same relationship that I do with my ex. (I don’t know if I’ve ever felt more flattered or proud of myself!)
It’s important to mention that we didn’t get divorced because of infidelity or an unsafe or toxic situation. The strain of having different goals and priorities is what did us in. While we’re certainly not perfect, it’s not lost on me how fortunate I am to co-parent with someone I still consider a friend. Not all of this advice may resonate, but I hope it at least encourages you to continue working on your co-parenting relationship in a way that feels comfortable and realistic to you.
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How co-parenting started
When we first separated, tensions were high. A lot of anger and bitterness remained, but even at 4 years old, my daughter asked that we continue to spend time together as one family. So we did, eating dinner at her dad’s house on Sundays when I picked her up. It was often awkward, but we were careful to keep our feelings toward each other hidden—or, as much as we could, at least.
Sometimes it felt like I was doing backbends to make my ex feel more acknowledged and appreciated, but the relationship was too fragile for me to not handle with care. Some may disagree with my approach, and that’s entirely valid, but I stand by it.
How it’s going now
Today, my ex-husband and I are in a healthy rhythm. We’ll make impromptu plans with our daughter, spend each holiday together, and even yap on the phone. While there are definitely moments of tension, I think we see each other more as co-parents and less as former spouses. The same hurt that existed before has healed. Now, we’re able to focus on each other’s positive qualities without the pressure of our weaknesses or misalignments in the back of our minds. Looking back at when we were dating and married, I feel like we probably get along the best we ever have.
“While there are definitely moments of tension, I think we see each other more as co-parents and less as former spouses.”
How we practice healthy co-parenting
We try to be flexible
I’ve personally found it’s much more work to set a boundary for the sole purpose of setting a boundary. Often, it only leads to resentment. While we do have a written custody schedule, it’s considered more of a suggestion than anything. If he has some unexpected extra time and wants to take our daughter to dinner, I make sure to facilitate it. Likewise, if it’s my turn for drop-off but I can’t do it for whatever reason, he’s always picked her up without objection.
We apologize sooner and more often
If there’s one thing we learned from our marriage, it’s that egos can be more damaging to a relationship than anything else. Now that we have more separation from each other, there’s more space for humility. In addition to apologizing in the present for snarky comments and unfair actions, I’ve noticed that we’re more intentional about apologizing for the past as topics or memories pop up. This is huge—instead of selfishly trying to forget, we give each other opportunities to forgive. As a result, we’re both able to heal more.
We let things go
When we were married, everything felt high stakes. Nowadays, I’ve noticed we let the little things go. I know he’d prefer if I cooked our daughter more meals from scratch. I’d also prefer he be more disciplined about bedtime. Ultimately, we respect the way each other runs their household because our daughter continues to be happy, healthy, and safe. That’s always the ultimate goal.
We talk regularly
Communication isn’t just limited to texting about logistics. I’ve found that we check in when the other’s not feeling well and call to vent about tricky conversations with our daughter. We even send memes back and forth. At the end of the day, we got married for a reason. If we’re going to be in each other’s lives regardless, we might as well be friends. From a practical perspective, this approach also makes the time we spend together with our daughter much warmer, which she picks up on.
We stick up for each other
When you break up with someone, family and friends often feel the need to pick sides. As co-parents, however, the only side is the one we’re both on—our daughter’s. While of course we both have our safe spaces to discuss our struggles with each other, our relationship isn’t up for blind discussion. If someone makes a rude comment about me, I know he has my back, and vice versa.
Going forward
While I can’t say for certain that we’ll always get along this well, my hope is that we’ve built a strong, healthy foundation that makes it possible. Our daughter is still young. But even after she grows up, I want her to feel like she never has to compromise her life to accommodate the complexities of our relationship. Divorce has never, and will never, change the fact that we’re still a family.
Quincy Bulin, Contributing Writer
Quincy is a mom and freelance writer based in Austin, Texas, balancing her time between journalism, marketing, and ghostwriting. In addition to The Everymom she’s written for publications such as The Everygirl, Better Homes & Gardens, Southern Living, Apartment Therapy, and Parents.
