"There is a constant running to-do list that circulates in my brain: What are we having for dinner tonight? Does that mean I need to defrost any chicken? When can I squeeze in dinner prep today? Ok, if I go off-camera for this meeting, I think I can prep everything. Crap, I forgot we have swim lessons today. Maybe we’ll have to get takeout. Is there a clean bathing suit for Emily to wear? Wow, the laundry really needs to get done, maybe I can tackle that after bedtime tonight. Where did Cameron leave her pacifier? Remember to check in with the speech therapist about her progress. Oh, that reminds me, I need to book the girls’ next dentist appointment. Ugh, we’re out of milk, and I’ll need to pick some up before dinner…
a brand new HP printer and ink delivery for as low as $6.99 a month? yes, please.
The mental load is this never-ending loop of reminders and tasks. It’s all of the “behind the scenes” work that powers my family and keeps everything running (smoothly or not). And it’s exhausting. But how can I better share the mental load, and… am I to blame for it? I wonder whether I’ve created a world where I unconsciously put more emotional labor on myself because of a fear about what might happen if I don’t “do it all.”
Why do I carry the mental load?
There’s a popular TikTok where a woman hears a voice say, “Stop trying to do everything.” She claps back saying, “Then who the f is going to do it.”
The implied answer is that she will have to do everything—that no one else could possibly complete whatever tasks are behind the “everything” being spoken about. I’ve often felt the same way, that “everything” is my problem to figure out. After watching the video, I felt victorious and validated. Finally, someone who understands how I feel most days! But then I started thinking about it. Why is it that I feel pressure to do everything?
There are almost 1,300 comments on her post from other women chiming in that they feel the same way, and research has shown time and again that women carry more of the physical and mental load at home.
Allison Daminger, who has a Ph.D. from Harvard in Sociology and Social Policy, has explored the concept of household cognitive labor as part of her research. She breaks decision-making into four parts: anticipating, identifying, deciding, and monitoring. Women are far more likely to anticipate that something needs to be done and far more likely to do the monitoring, AKA all of the follow-through that needs to happen after a decision is made.
“Women are far more likely to anticipate that something needs to be done and far more likely to do the monitoring, AKA all of the follow-through that needs to happen after a decision is made.”
Still, I wonder whether I am making too big of an assumption that if I don’t do everything, it won’t actually get done. Will the consequences of not doing those things be so devastating that I can’t risk giving my partner the chance to take the load? Is it that I think my partner wouldn’t do the task the “right” way and that I’d have to redo it?
It’s probably a mix of all of the above. I’ve convinced myself that I’m the crucial lynchpin to keep my family going, and as a result, have taken on more than my fair share of the mental load.
I’ve also convinced myself that “everything” needs to get done… or else. I’m not sure what the “or else” is, but it’s stressful enough for me to spend my days running through my mental checklist, trying to make sure I haven’t forgotten anything.
The mental load is a deep-seated mentality
The problem is that it’s hard to unwind this mentality. I have so thoroughly convinced myself that there will be dire consequences if I don’t make sure that everything is done that even when I get an offer that would alleviate my mental load, it’s hard for me to let go.
Recently, my husband offered to make our meal plan and grocery list for the week. That’s usually a job that I tackle, but he offered to take it on. As I sipped my coffee, I luxuriated in the fact that I didn’t have to make a mental calculation of how many meals I needed to plan for this week, consider what random ingredients we might be able to use in the pantry, or remember what foods my girls had declared inedible the previous week despite liking the week prior.
The moment of solitude vanished. I panicked, wondering if my husband would think of all of these things or if he’d have the grocery list done in time before ballet since my oldest daughter and I always go grocery shopping after ballet. My mind started spinning as I made assumptions about how things would turn out.
And so I made the grocery list.
Realizing it’s hard for me to let go
My husband had offered to remove the mental load and work of that task for me, and I purposely put it back on my plate because of the perceived impact of not doing it a particular way. God forbid we end up with an extra box of pasta or black beans in our pantry, especially when it would have freed up time for me.
That’s just one example, but once I started thinking about it, I put the mental load on myself all the time. Starting the laundry, finding a babysitter for date night, grabbing cards to send for birthdays, auditing our freezer before writing a grocery list.
It’s not that my husband doesn’t notice that these things need to be done or that he’s not a willing participant. I’ve just made it a habit to assume that the world will stop spinning if I don’t do those things and do them a particular way.
That’s a big problem because having that mentality creates more work for me. It’s a problem because the longer I try to “do it all,” the more I’m conditioning those around me to think that it’s my job to do everything. It’s less likely that my husband will step in if I’m always doing the work or, worse yet, taking over when he’s trying to do the work. I’ve unconsciously created a labor imbalance that will be hard to change.
But if I don’t “do it all,” who the f IS going to do it? That’s a good question. And what happens if no one does it? That’s also a good question.
I’m still trying to figure it out, but one thing I’m starting to piece together is that while there might be consequences to things not getting done, those consequences are probably minor or annoying, not earth-shattering.
If I don’t meal plan for the week? It might mean a late-night grocery run or money spent on takeout, but we won’t starve. If the trash doesn’t get taken out one week? Annoying since we might have to find a dumpster if the trash is overflowing, but no real consequences. If the laundry doesn’t get done? My daughter may throw a tantrum that her favorite pink sparkly dress is dirty, but there will be something she can wear.
Failing to “do it all” might be the best way to prove to myself that the world won’t stop. Having my husband and I both experience any consequences might also be a good reminder of the mental load I carry and a conversation starter about workload and household responsibilities.
It’s scary to think about abandoning my mindset of doing it all or else, but I’m tired of the mental load I’ve put on myself with this mentality. The worst thing that might happen is that truly important things don’t get done on time, but the best thing that might come from failing is that the mental load gets redistributed. And that’s totally worth a few late dentist appointments or overflowing trash bins.
Elliott Harrell, Contributing Writer
Elliott is a mom of two little girls and is based in Raleigh, NC. She spends her days running a sales team and doing laundry and her nights writing about the things that she loves. She’s passionate about all things motherhood and women’s health. When she’s not working, writing or parenting you can find her trying a new restaurant in town or working on her latest needlepoint project.