"Recently, we went on a 10-day vacation with my in-laws, including my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and their three kids. Since we live in different states, it was the longest time period we’d ever spent together. It made me realize something—I don’t particularly like my sister-in-law. We parent differently, have fundamentally different viewpoints on many issues, and differ greatly on politeness and decorum.
As a lifelong people pleaser, it was hard for me to accept the fact that I simply didn’t like someone so close to my inner circle. Here’s how I came to terms with this relationship, plus some tips on how to deal when you just don’t gel with someone in your extended family.
Limit time together
This one is easy for me since we live several states away from my in-laws and only see them a few times a year. But limiting time together is one of the best tactics I’ve found for dealing with a tricky familial relationship. Our recent trip checked all the boxes. It allowed the cousins some bonding time, made my mother-in-law happy, and got us off the hook for at least another six months.
Limiting time together is a bit easier since she isn’t my husband’s sister. Rather, she’s his brother’s wife. So there’s another degree of separation between us, and my husband doesn’t get upset that I don’t actively seek out opportunities to hang out.
Opt out
I know I’m not the only one who struggles with in-law relationships. A friend of mine has such a contentious relationship with her mother-in-law that she opts out of nearly every weekly Sunday dinner— and they live just 15 minutes apart. The kicker is that she still sends her two kids and husband.
It’s a win for everyone. Opting out of a family gathering when you know there’s tension allows for other family members to bond guilt-free. Plus, it gives you much-needed time to yourself.
Avoid disagreements altogether
I once heard the phrase, “You don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to,” and I’ve taken it to heart ever since. If a friend posts something offensive on social media? Keep scrolling. My husband says something short? Ignore him. And when my sister-in-law brings up something she knows I disagree with, just to see if I’ll bite? Don’t engage.
“I once heard the phrase, ‘You don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to,’ and I’ve taken it to heart ever since.”
It doesn’t always work, and of course, there’s a time and place to advocate for yourself and your family. But in my experience, opting out of a petty disagreement is almost always the right move. Of course, if you have a toxic sister-in-law who lives nearby, avoidance might not be as accessible an option as it is for me.
Invite a buffer
I learned a few lessons from our recent trip with my sister-in-law. Number one? I won’t spend time with them again without a buffer. More specifically, with my in-laws around. I’ve noticed that when they’re nearby, everyone seems to be on their best behavior, plus there’s more help with childcare and entertainment, which always takes the pressure off.
Give grace
This one was the hardest for me. But though I don’t particularly like my sister-in-law and would prefer not to spend time with her, I try to give her grace. Maybe she was having an off week. Maybe they’re going through a hard time in their marriage or are dealing with a behavioral or developmental issue with one of their children. I just don’t know. So, I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt… though I might take my own advice and opt out of that next family trip with my in-laws.