"When I became a mom, I expected my identity to shift. I even knew I may feel like I’d lost my sense of self entirely. So when my children were finally born, I braced myself for that feeling to set in. But as I stepped into motherhood, I quickly realized that the shift in identity wasn’t the thing I’d struggled with the most. Motherhood didn’t feel like it robbed my identity; it added to it in a way that was both destabilizing and fulfilling.
Yes, there were moments—every single day, if I’m being honest—of feeling like I couldn’t find the line between where my children ended and where I began. And yes, trying to find that line was a journey. But somehow, I was ready for that—maybe because the narrative of motherhood’s effect on identity is one I’d heard many times.
“Motherhood didn’t feel like it robbed my identity; it added to it in a way that was both destabilizing and fulfilling.”
What threw me far more than that identity shift was the loss of autonomy. I loved my children instantly. I loved motherhood even through sleep deprivation and leaking breasts and the constant anxiety of caring for twin premature newborns. But I still found myself desperately missing the simplicity of my old life. In a strange way, I missed myself. I felt like even though I was still the same person, I didn’t have the autonomy to really be that person anymore.
Longing for the Little Things
I longed for the little things I’d taken for granted: walking out of the house without thinking about a million logistics and lugging two babies and 200 necessary objects along. Eating a hot, uninterrupted meal. Showering without needing to coordinate a 15-minute window as if it were a business meeting. I knew motherhood would change my life, but I didn’t know how destabilizing it would feel to suddenly have all of my autonomy stripped away… or how unprepared I’d feel for missing the moments that once seemed so mundane.
But if a recent Instagram post from psychologist Ashurina Ream, PsyD, is any indication, I’m not the only mom who has struggled with this feeling.
Feeling the Loss of Autonomy in Motherhood
In her post, Ream reflects on something a mother said when expressing how motherhood changed her life. “I don’t feel like I lost my identity,” the mom said. “I lost my autonomy and that’s been the hardest part for me.”
“So it’s not that she didn’t know who she was anymore. It’s that she couldn’t access that person,” adds Ream. “All the things that made her feel the most like herself were out of reach.”
When I came across this post, I felt completely seen: Like this mom, I was OK with taking on the identity change of motherhood. It was the loss of autonomy over my own time, life, and needs that felt so much more challenging.
“I was OK taking on the identity change of motherhood. It was the loss of autonomy over my own time, life, and needs that felt so much more challenging.”
Gaining Back My Autonomy, Bit by Bit
I’m six-plus years into motherhood, and little by little, I’ve been able to reclaim pieces of my autonomy. Now, I can eat hot meals and shower daily in peace and even enjoy an hour or two of leisure time at the end of the day. My life still largely revolves around my kids, but pockets of autonomy have reentered the chat as my kids have grown more independent. More than that, though, I’ve had time to readjust to my new normal.
“My life still largely revolves around my kids, but pockets of autonomy have reentered the chat as my kids have grown more independent.”
Becoming a mom is wildly disorienting in a way no one prepares you for: Overnight, your entire world is rearranged. The autonomy you’ve been able to enjoy without a second thought is suddenly plucked away, and it’s natural for a new mom to feel thrown by that.
What makes it even more difficult, though, is how the entire world invalidates this piece of the experience. No one prepares you for the sudden loss of autonomy, and part of why this issue isn’t openly discussed is because our world doesn’t give moms space to express the hard parts of motherhood, especially when the hard parts have to do with moms still wanting to do things for themselves.
Society is Still Too Hard on Moms
Take, for example, reactions to Ream’s insights, which she shared in a subsequent Instagram post. Ream shares that she deleted several comments calling mothers who felt the loss of autonomy “soft.” Other deleted comments insinuated that these moms need to “suck it up.” And several comments Ream does share essentially say something along the lines of “You chose to become a parent, and you knew what you were signing up for, so you don’t get to complain.”
That’s a frustratingly common sentiment, and it’s one that makes the challenges of early motherhood feel so much heavier. There’s so much guilt that comes with mourning the loss of autonomy and our old lives. And that’s because the messaging moms receive is that they should just surrender to the selflessness of it all—of giving our sleep and our bodies and our time and our resources and every last ounce of our emotional reserves to these children we bring into this world. And we do. We give and we sacrifice and we evolve and we rise to the occasion, time and time again. But that doesn’t mean we can’t feel the weight of it.
“We give and we sacrifice and we evolve and we rise to the occasion, time and time again. But that doesn’t mean we can’t feel the weight of it.”
Gratitude and struggle can coexist. We can be so thankful for our children and still miss the women we were and the lives we lived before we welcomed them. We can still miss that autonomy… And we should have the space to express how hard it can be to hand it over and to know that struggling with this piece of new motherhood doesn’t mean we’re not ‘selfless’ enough.
Yes, we signed up for motherhood, and yes, we know we’d have to recalibrate our priorities and our lives… But nothing can truly prepare you for how monumental this change can feel.
Zara Hanawalt, Contributing Writer
Zara is a twin mom and freelance journalist with over a decade of experience covering parenting, women’s health, and culture. In addition to The Everymom, she’s written for outlets like Vogue, Marie Claire, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Parents, Shape, Motherly, The New York Times for Kids, What to Expect, and many others. In her spare time, she enjoys reading, cooking, travel, watching TV, and trying new restaurants.