"This year, my 11-year-old heads to middle school. She’s nervous and excited. She already joined the field hockey team and rented a flute for the band. At this point, she and I almost wear the same shoe size, and I can no longer carry her up the stairs. A lot of change is coming quickly for our family. And as first-time middle school parents, her dad and I attended middle school orientation this summer to learn about the routine, academics, and tips to prepare for middle school.
We filed into the gymnasium and heard from teachers, counselors, and the administration. The student in me wished I’d brought a notebook to take notes. There was so much information we were grateful to learn, but a few things really surprised me at middle school orientation. Here, with the help of a middle school teacher, are some tips for elementary school parents and parents preparing to hit the middle school or junior high milestone.
Lori Singaraju, Middle School Teacher
Lori Singaraju is a middle school English teacher who lives with her husband and two daughters wherever the Navy sends them. When not busy attempting to get preteens to punctuate their sentences, she enjoys traveling, reading, and couch snuggles with her girls. She writes about parenting, teaching, and what she’s read lately.
Middle Schoolers Still Need You to Be Involved With Homework
With two working parents in our house, staying firm on the after-school homework routine for our kids has been a challenge for us. So many times in fourth and fifth grade, my kid and I ended up near tears too late in the evening trying to figure out her math homework that we could have started earlier. In middle school, we have to be firm because she could have over an hour of homework to do each night on top of after-school activities.
Elementary school parents: Don’t make the same mistake I made. Even if you think homework should be optional in elementary school, you have to get kids in the routine early so it won’t be such a shock once they reach middle school. Lori Singaraju, a teacher who recently had her letter to middle school parents go viral on Facebook, offered some helpful tips on homework.
Teacher Tips
My #1 tip for helping kids succeed with homework is to be involved as a parent.
Be Involved
Find out from your child’s teachers how work is posted—to Google Classroom, for instance—and keep an eye on the online gradebook if you have access. If the school doesn’t provide a planner, make sure your child has one and is filling it in.
The transition from elementary to middle school is a huge one in terms of students having to keep track of multiple assignments with different due dates to different teachers. So many of the parents we bring in for conferences when their children are failing tell us they thought sixth grade would be the time to step back and put more of the responsibility on the child to independently manage the work. Unless and until your child proves they can handle it, please do continue to be involved.
Let Them Learn
On the other hand, understand that we do need to see your child’s best effort, not your own perfectly done work. Your priority may be for your child to get good grades, but ours is for your child to learn the material, and when you do the work for your child, you rob them of the opportunity to learn.
Encourage Them to Complete Their Work During School
In my class, almost all homework is actually classwork that students didn’t finish because they chose not to use the time I gave them. This means that if they don’t do it as homework, they won’t have done any independent practice on the skill we’re learning, and I have no means to know whether they are grasping it. I know there’s a popular sentiment among parents that we teachers have kids all day and should use our time effectively so we’re not sending homework that intrudes on kids’ family time. After all, adult jobs don’t send homework! Except if we adults waste our time at work and have tasks that must be completed, they do, in fact, still need to be completed outside of our work hours.
If you have questions or concerns about your child’s homework, please contact the teacher directly. We are happy to explain and work with you on how best to help your child succeed.
Parents Are Part of the Problem With Phones in Schools
As part of the preparing for middle school, our almost 12-year-old has been asking for a phone. We’re not ready to get her phone yet but are considering smartphone alternatives like a refurbished Apple Watch. However, many of her friends already have phones, and they currently text her via my phone—which is endearing (their conversations are still so innocent) and totally embarrassing (according to her).
Many schools are considering phone bans, including New York City public schools. Our middle school doesn’t have a phone ban (yet) but requires students to keep them in their lockers. However, the school staff said it’s often the parents who are the worst offenders texting their kids in the middle of the school day expecting responses. And alternatively, with parents only a quick text message away, kids can quickly send off gripes, things they forgot, etc.
The teachers encouraged parents to set the expectation that all communication should come through the school office—which is how it was done in elementary school. Of course, we all want to be able to reach our child if the worst should happen at school, but at what cost? According to a Pew Research study, 72 percent of U.S. high school teachers and 33 percent of middle school teachers say cell phone distraction is a major problem in the classroom.
Teacher Tips
“I do believe, though, that not allowing phone use during the school day, to include lunch, does result in more face-to-face interaction and creative thought,” said Singaraju. “I know we teachers would appreciate it if parents could keep their school day texts to a minimum. Especially if your child’s school policy is like mine, please don’t expect to hear back from them until the final bell. Otherwise, you’re asking them to break the rules on your behalf.”
Mental Health Days Can Backfire
Many fellow millennial parents rarely had mental health discussions with our own boomer parents in childhood, so we’re attuned to our kid’s mental health in ways previous generations weren’t. But in some cases, it can backfire. Giving your kid mental health days can quickly turn into school avoidance behavior. As a parent who repeatedly dropped off her anxious child late to elementary school, this hit me hard.
The middle school counselors shared that by allowing more than the occasional mental health day, kids can start to take advantage—whether consciously or unconsciously. The counselors at our school have even gone so far as to meet school-avoiding middle schoolers at their homes and help walk them to school (hooray teachers, but that seems like a little much).
The teachers and counselors reiterated that getting them through the school doors is key. Once they’re inside, they’re usually fine (of course, there are exceptions that can indicate bigger issues). They added that if kids are allowed to stay home, it should not be a “fun day”—no shows, no phone, no special outings. The expectation should be that they must go to school, it’s the law.
Teacher Tips
“I think there is a difference between genuinely needed mental health days and allowing a student to stay home when they just don’t really feel like going,” said Singaraju. “You know your child best and should be able to determine how crucial the time off might be. Chronic poor attendance is a problem that has serious consequences for student learning and success. When middle schoolers get a little bit behind, it often snowballs until they feel they have no chance of ever catching up, which causes even bigger mental health struggles. I would caution parents to think carefully about the impact of missing school versus the need for a day of rest when making decisions about mental health days.”
On a Lighter Note, You Do Have to Tell Your Kids If They Smell
It’s tough to remember where and when we learned to properly take care of ourselves. Was it in the American Girls book The Care & Keeping of You? Something we read in Seventeen or YM magazine? Or was it your mom suggesting more frequent showers or actually using the Teen Spirit deodorant she bought?
Whether your kid is a Sephora tween, a sweaty sports player, or a library bookworm, they’re likely going to start (or continue) going through puberty in the middle school years. The teachers kindly reminded parents that we might need to encourage them a bit more on the grooming habits for their changing bodies.
Teacher Tips
“Kids just really need to know that they must shower regularly, wear deodorant every day…” said Singaraju. “I hate to see kids picked on or avoided by peers just because they aren’t managing their new hygiene needs.” She added, “And Axe Body Spray is not a substitute!”
Kathy Sisson, Senior Editor
A mom of two, Kathy is passionately committed to sharing the honest, helpful—and often humorous—stories of motherhood, as she navigates her own everyday adventures of work, marriage, and parenting. She honed her creative and strategic skills at advertising agencies in Detroit and Chicago, before pivoting from marketing to editorial. Now instead of telling brand stories, she’s sharing her own, with articles published across popular parenting sites—including hundreds of stories on The Everymom.