Relationship advice is everywhere. It’s thrown about on social media, shared between friends, and unsolicited from family members. It can quickly become overwhelming and entirely unhelpful. Casually perusing social media, it’s not uncommon to run into relationship advice. The most discouraging of all? The kind that has “worked magic” in one relationship, so it has to work 100% of the time, right? It’s this type of advice I’ve grown to take with a grain of salt. They’re equivalent to the latest get-rich-quick scheme or the “lose 10 lbs by tomorrow” phenomenon. I try to remind myself that “magical relationship hacks” tend to be biased and not a one-size-fits-all scenario.
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Every now and then, though, a golden nugget comes out of the proverbial haystack. Recently, I stumbled upon one piece of relationship advice that made so much sense that I knew I had to explore it further. Two celebrated psychologists and happily married couple, Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, are the brains behind this relationship “hack.”
They shared in an article with CNBC that there’s one simple phrase that, when used intentionally and often, has the power to transform relationships. Unlike drawn-out techniques that take practice and time (which can be great as well!), this is a practice we can implement today. So, what is this magical mystical phenomenon with the power to transform relationships? Saying “Thank you.” Let’s get into it.
Who Are the Gottmans?
One reason I am drawn to this relationship practice is that I recognized the psychologists behind it from my social media feed and knew they had impressive credentials. If you’re not familiar with Drs. John and Julie Gottman, they have been practicing psychology for 50 years and are cofounders of The Gottman Institute and Love Lab, dedicated to research-based approaches for relationships. In that time, they’ve studied over 40,000 couples who were set to begin couples therapy. To say they know a thing or two about romantic relationships is a given. Not to mention, the pair have been married for over 35 years.
Together and separately they’ve won several awards for their work in psychology and written several books on relationships. They are also the brains behind the Card Decks app. Applying their rich repertoire of leading-edge research, they created the app as a workshop for couples. The highly-reviewed app provides question prompts, statements, and ideas for improving relationships.
Not only does their experience in the subject matter of relationship health speak for itself, but I appreciate that their advice makes sense. Even so, I wanted to know more about why it works and the best ways to implement the “thank you” hack for maximum benefits.
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What’s So Great About Saying “Thank You?”
The best way I can think of to explain why it’s great to feel appreciated is to think back on times we weren’t. Many of us can relate to putting in effort to a relationship—romantic or otherwise—and not having the same effort extended to us. What can feel even worse is when our efforts aren’t recognized.
The Gottmans explained in their CNBC article that successful partnerships recognize as many of the ‘good’ things their partners do as the ‘bad.’ They then show enthusiastic, specific, and genuine appreciation for the behavior. They point out, too, that there are different levels of appreciation. For example, “Hey, thanks” is less powerful than “Thank you for washing the dishes today, that made my morning a lot easier.”
Instead of seeing our day-to-day lives through the lens of negativity, actively engaging our minds to look for the good generally translates to recognizing more positive moments—even when general circumstances haven’t changed. Of course, we want to avoid toxic positivity, where we dismiss our struggles and suppress necessary feelings and emotions. But, in general, making this shift from focusing on what’s ‘wrong’ to appreciation in a relationship can certainly do a lot of good for a couple.
How to Use “Thank You” More Intentionally
In order to say “thank you,” we have to have the opportunity to do so. The Gottmans pointed out in their article that we often already use these two words all day long, usually without a second thought. While that’s a great habit, they also share that while it’s easy to show appreciation to the cashier checking us out at the grocery store, we often have a tougher time acknowledging those closest to us.
Observe Your Partner’s Behavior
Their best advice on where to begin? Notice the actions our partners do. Like actually notice. They go so far as to suggest actually carving out time to mindfully observe our partners as they go about their days. Whether we do this with or without our partners’ knowledge, choosing to actively observe the details of their behavior gives us a glimpse into the effort they put in.
We can take it a step further by writing down the things we see, either on paper or in a note on our phones. Once we re-train our minds to recognize these actions, the more frequently we’ll see them.
Source: @karissfarris
Practice Using the Phrase for Small Gestures
The psychologists also wrote that saying “thank you” doesn’t have to be reserved for big gestures. In fact, they believe noticing and showing appreciation for the small things our partners do will actually have a greater impact on future behavior and relationship satisfaction. When we see them doing something that will benefit us or our family, say the words! We can tell them sincerely and specifically that we’re grateful for that action.
In an effort to not take our partners for granted, we can practice saying “thank you” for gestures like:
- Brewing coffee in the morning so we didn’t have to
- Saving the latest episode of our favorite show for a time we can watch it together
- Picking the kids up from school when we normally would have to
- Cooking dinner for the night
- Pushing the grocery cart in the store because they know we hate doing it (OK—this a personal anecdote, but we all have our things, right?)
They explained that once one person in the relationship gets the appreciation ball rolling, it’s easier for the other to jump on board. In the same vein, I believe it’s safe to say these practices open the door to other benefits. When we feel appreciated, it’s only a matter of time before we try to find other ways to help our partners—and vice versa! A “thank you” quite literally is a reward. And like any reward, when we get one, we want more. Plus, even the smallest amount of communication paves the way for more discussions, and who couldn’t use more frequent or better communication sometimes?
Understand That It Might Not Be Easy
While this is a simple and effective hack, there is still work to be done. Showing everyday gratitude may not come naturally—especially if we’ve strained far from the habit. In this case, the Gottmans recommended separating negative feelings about anything that’s happened in the past.
If there’s something keeping us in a negative state of mind, we should focus on the here and now. They also suggest diving into our negative feelings by asking ourselves where they came from, because there’s a chance they didn’t come from our partners at all but they’re receiving the end result of it. The Gottmans wrote, “Identifying, naming, and sourcing these types of negative thoughts and feelings can help you let them go.”
Starting any new habit takes effort. We have to put in the effort to notice actions worth appreciating, and sometimes, swallow our pride to push out those meaningful words. But when we do, we will likely start seeing the benefits sooner rather than later.
