"“Make sure you don’t lose sight of yourself when you get married,” my late grandmother once said to me while we were spending time together. At the time, it sounded like random advice, considering my grandmother, a wife of over 40 years and mother to 11 children, had never said anything like that to me before. I let her statement go in one ear and out the other. Had I really been paying attention, I would’ve realized my grandmother was trying give me some sound advice about the importance of maintaining my independence in a relationship.
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But, due to my stubborn nature, it would be years before I actually followed that advice. It was during my last relationship that I thought I had to become the person my ex-boyfriend wanted me to be in order to make things work. Sadly, I developed this idea that I was supposed to change the way I dressed, wore my hair, listened to music, and so much more. Let’s all collectively shake our head for relationships mistakes made in our early 20s.
While I would love to say that I easily learned my lesson after that failed relationship, it took a year for me to remember who I was. Now that I’ve been in my current relationship for eight years, I’ve finally reached a point where I feel comfortable heeding my grandmother’s advice. Here’s how I make sure I don’t lose sight of myself and my independence in my relationship.
Have interests separate from my partner
One of the things I love about my relationship with my fiancé is that we’re genuinely friends. I’m talking about spending time binge-watching and dissecting TV shows, and having daily moments where we make each other hold our sides while laughing. Aside from that, we do share similar interests like the music we listen to, our goals, family values, etc. But, it’s not lost on me that we’re also very different in many areas.
For example, my fiancé loves anything related to true crime while I could spend all day watching my favorite horror movies or slapstick comedies. At first, we spent a lot of time arguing about our differences, which caused unnecessary frustration. Eventually we realized we were invalidating each other’s interests, so I took it upon myself to carve out time for me to specifically do what I want—and he did, too. Now I don’t feel like I have to change my interests to avoid extra disagreements or arguments.
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Keep my individual bank accounts separate
Choosing to have separate bank accounts definitely caused some tension in my relationship, especially after we moved in together and conceived our son. I almost wondered if I was making the wrong decision by not merging everything, but it’s actually helped us financially. We do have a checking and saving account together now, but our individual incomes aren’t immediately deposited into them. Once we set aside our budget for things like daycare and household expenses, we give ourselves a personal budget to do whatever we want.
Again, since we have different interests, it’s important for me to do what I want with the money I’ve worked hard for. My personal accounts and budgets allow me to treat myself to the hair or nail salon without my fiancé feeling like I’m taking away from our household budget. Also, it’s nice to have an extra source of money stashed in case of emergencies. We’ve had situations where unexpected expenses have come up and I’ve had extra money saved in my separate savings account. I know this isn’t something that works for everyone, but it works for us.
Nurture my friendships
I cherish the friendships I have and since my closest friends don’t live in the same state, I try to make the most of it when we’re able to have phone conversations. Sometimes these conversations last for hours and I’ve made it a point to be fully present during them. Because my partner and I interact with our friend groups differently, he didn’t understand how close I am to mine.
Now he knows I consider my friends to be like family and it’s not an issue if I want to spend time with them—including a girls trip we’re planning for next year.
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Maintain my identity
Who I am as a person is someone I’ve come to enjoy, and I think it’s because I’ve learned how to be myself. I’m a lot of things at once—quirky, quiet, goofy, outspoken, introspective, etc.—but I didn’t always feel like I could be my authentic self. I tried to silence the loud parts of my personality so ex-boyfriends wouldn’t feel I was “too much,” but now I don’t have to.
At the beginning of my relationship with my fiancé, I made it clear that I didn’t want to feel like I had to change myself for him. That I didn’t want to feel like I had to be more or less of something to be considered attractive either. I’ve been fortunate to experience a relationship with my fiancé that gives me space to maintain who I am without expecting me to change, unless it’s for the better.
Prior to meeting my fiancé, I didn’t know if I deserved to have the kind of romantic relationship that gives me the space to be a whole person. While everyone has different relationship dynamics, I believe being able to maintain my independence helps me be able to pour into my relationship with my partner. I don’t feel like I’m in a movie where someone is controlling my life or choices for me, which makes me a much more joyful person to be around.
