"My husband and I usually end our night catching up on the good, the bad, and the hilarious things our kids did that day. Sometimes, it’s easier to focus on the bad in that moment. We may recap and discuss how we could have handled a situation better. Although we do often remind each other to praise our kids whenever we can. So when we stumbled on the trend of ‘talking behind kids’ backs’ in a good way, we knew we wanted to try it.
Moms Namwila Mulwanda (@namwilamulwanda) and Hannah Cases (@hannahwiththelipstick) recently shared videos of themselves talking behind their kids backs in a positive way. Mulwanda’s video has over 10 million views on Instagram, and Cases’ has 1 million across TikTok and Instagram. Other parents are catching on to this trend and want to do the same, like TikTok user @gabriela.tx_, who commented, “I can’t wait to do this for my babies. 😭💗.”
In Cases’ video, she and her partner are talking about their daughter Georgia behind her back, but it’s not exactly what you might expect. In the viral video, the two parents film their daughter as she’s listening to her parents talk about her. But rather than discussing negative things in this not-so-private dinner discussion, the parents discuss only positive things about their daughter.
While Cases is heard saying things like, “Today, [Georgia] was such a good listener,” and “I saw her doing all kinds of really sweet things with other kids, and it just made me really proud of her,” Georgia is seen quietly eating her dinner while eavesdropping on her parents’ conversation. Her father also goes on to say more about her, like, “[Georgia’s] the best,” and “She’s getting so good at coloring.” Georgia is seen smiling in the video as she listens in. After Cases states, “All the kids love her,” Georgia chimes in, saying, “Uh huh. Because they’re my friends.” Although Cases knew her daughter was listening during the entirety of their discussion, she asks, “Were you listening to us this whole time?” And Georgia responds with an obvious, “Yes.”
Why it’s good for kids to overhear the good things
I often joke that my own son could hear me from a mile away. While the ‘mile’ is exaggerated, my husband and I have tested whispering positive things about our son, and he’s admitted he could hear us. A few people even commented on the negative effects of overhearing their own parents talk about them in a negative way. TikTok user @ohkaythen21 commented, “As a kid who always overheard everything they were [doing] wrong, this was so healing. Please keep doing it 🥹.”
In fact, experts say when children hear their parents say positive things about them, “It helps them internalize your compliments and makes them feel competent and loved!” When Cases watched her daughter’s reaction, she said, “[It] made me realize how impactful it is to hear someone saying good things about you to others.”
Another way to praise your kids
There can be good things that come out of your kids hearing you talk positively about them. TikTok user @katzs4 stated, “I was a kid whose mom always said good things about me to others, and I can confirm I grew up to feel confident and secure!!! I did not even realize until very late in life how much her doing that was a factor in this.” But talking about them ‘behind their back’ isn’t the only way to tell kids how great they are. You can tell them directly, too!
Praise the behavior
Another way to praise your child is by praising their behaviors and giving them compliments. Instead of only saying things like “Great job!” Clinical Psychologist Lindsay Gerber, PsyD, recommends being specific in telling them what they’re great at. She gives the example, “I love how you are sharing your crayons with your sibling.”
Examples of praise phrases
If you’re looking for more examples of positive statements, here are a few:
- “You came up with an excellent answer for that last question.”
- “You are good at trying different ways to solve a hard puzzle.”
- “The colors you chose for this drawing are really beautiful.”
- “I’ve been watching you try to tie your shoelaces for a long time now. It’s tricky, isn’t it? I’m so proud that you kept trying and didn‘t give up, and now you can do it.”
Final thoughts on talking behind your child’s back
TikTok user @robingold619 is ‘praising’ this trend and said, “I love letting my boys ‘overhear’ us talking about them positively!!” And @amyrichards604, who commented, “I LOVE this so much ❤️. Kids need to hear the good things more than the bad things.” I have to agree. I love this form of talking behind someone’s back. And if your kid is a master eavesdropper, why not have them hear all the great things you have to say about them?
Patty Schepel, Editorial Assistant
As the editorial assistant, Patty works with The Everymom’s team on pitches, creating original articles, updating existing content, photo sourcing, writing shopping product descriptions, inputting freelance articles, and more. When she’s not working, you can find her spending time with her family, training for half marathons—she ran one 16 weeks pregnant—traveling, cooking, reading a rom-com, and keeping her sourdough starter, Rose, alive.