When you declare to the world that you will love someone “till death do us part,” this commitment will grow, and it will be tested. Bringing together two people with distinct personalities and different childhood experiences requires partnership through the peaks and valleys of life. But what if you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around your spouse? Always compromising your needs over theirs? Or finding yourself in no-win situations when things get tough? You could be married to a narcissist. “If you’re a mom and questioning your own reality, that’s a pretty big sign,” said Brooke Sprowl, a licensed psychotherapist and author.
With her expertise and guidance, we’re delving into the signs of a narcissist, how to navigate this relationship dynamic, and support you and your family’s well-being.
Read More:
- How to Co-Parent With a Narcissist, According to an Expert
- When You Don’t Like Your Spouse, But Divorce Is Not an Option
- The Buzzy New Book I Wish I’d Read Before I Got Married—and Divorced
Brooke Sprowl, LCSW
Brooke Sprowl is a licensed psychotherapist, CEO and clinical director of My LA Therapy. She leads a team of 15 dedicated therapists and wellness professionals.
What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?
Many of us may have used the term “narcissist” to describe someone selfish or self-absorbed. However, we may be using this term without truly understanding what defines narcissism. One point Sprowl addressed is that everyone possesses some form of narcissism to a certain degree, and this does not necessarily mean we have NPD.
How the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) defines NPD and what she sees in relationships and in practice don’t always align exactly with a diagnosis of NPD. Rather, she sees degrees of narcissism—a spectrum.
She explained narcissism “as a framework for understanding a spectrum of different behaviors and defense mechanisms in which a person’s low self-worth, trauma, and insecurity lead them to compensate and identify with achievements, status, grandiosity, entitlement, or self-absorption.”
Additionally, Sprowl shared, a vulnerable narcissist may not be grandiose, but rather “uses wounding as a way to garner sympathy and control.”
Warning signs you’re married to a narcissist
With Sprowl’s clinical expertise and citing the DSW’s definition of NPD, the following are warning signs of someone who has narcissistic tendencies:
- Bragging about their achievements, status, and/or positive traits
- Constantly wanting to be the center of attention
- Needing excessive praise
- Seeking validation from others to avoid showing vulnerability and cultivating authentic connections
- Wanting to associate with only high-status or special people
- Believing they are better than others
- Believing they deserve special treatment
- Taking advantage of others to get what they want
- Insisting on having the best of everything
- Difficulty empathizing
- Difficulty seeing other people’s points of view
- Easily slighted
- Belittling other people to make themselves appear superior
- Painting themselves as the victim
- Projecting their own undesirable traits onto someone else
How it might feel to be in a relationship with a narcissist:
- They put you in double-bind, no-win situations
- Find you at fault, all the time
- Turn the tables so you distrust yourself
- Make you question your own reality and feel helpless
- Weaponize your best traits
On the other hand, those who do not show high degrees of narcissism may exude confidence without verbally highlighting their achievements or traits. They don’t need to be the constant center of attention. Sprowl noted they “may [still] desire recognition, as most humans do, [but] their need for it is situational and less frequent.”
How narcissism can affect a marriage
Relationships evolve, and there is no formula for the perfect marriage. But if you are in a marriage with a narcissist, your relationship is in a constant state of imbalance, said Sprowl. Key healthy relationship factors like compromise, communication to understand each other’s point of view, and mutual accountability and respect, are missing.
“If you’re in a marriage with a narcissist, your relationship is in a constant state of imbalance.”
Sprowl shared an example of narcissism: Asking your spouse to listen to your side of an issue results in triggering their defensive responses and “makes it difficult for them to meet their partner’s needs or take their partner’s feelings sufficiently into account.”
Another example: taking “me time” in your marriage. Wanting time for yourself does not equate to being a narcissist. Instead, the narcissistic qualities of your partner may display themselves if your partner refuses to acknowledge or try to understand why you need time for yourself. Or they may flip the script, calling you selfish for wanting alone time at all. This can make you wonder whether you are indeed selfish (when you are not.) Sprowl shared this behavior as a red flag. “Narcissists tend to project their own undesirable traits onto their spouse or partner,” and then she (sadly) sees the victim identify with the projection.
How to deal with a narcissist spouse
It is fair to assume that most married people would like their partnership to be healthy and supportive of their child’s well-being. “The most important way to create a healthy, non-toxic environment for children while being married to a narcissist is to disengage and set and enforce healthy boundaries,” Sprowl said. You can still demonstrate compassion for the underlying trauma and insecurity that engenders those traits, but “you can’t continue to engage with a bad actor.”
Seeking therapy can also help a person understand the reasons why their partner acts with a high degree of narcissism. At the same time, individual and couples counseling can provide tools for the individual with a NPD diagnosis to learn how to practice more empathy and care for their spouse, which will positively affect their children.
Can a marriage survive narcissism?
Marriages are rarely simple. They intertwine two people’s histories, joys, traumas, desires, and needs. If you believe you are married to a narcissist, all hope is not lost. In fact, Sprowl believes marriages can survive when a partner has narcissistic qualities, but it depends on the degree of narcissism and whether:
Both parties can acknowledge codependency
“What I have found fascinating throughout years of working with narcissism within codependent couples is that narcissists are also highly codependent and reliant on their dependent partners for praise, and dependent partners also demonstrate covert narcissistic traits in that they seek identity and status through their association with the more overtly narcissistic partner,” she said. In other words, both parties feed off of each other. A codependent relationship can prove toxic if therapy and healing are not prioritized for the well-being of all members of the family.
A marriage with a narcissist has more of a chance of thriving if “both partners [are] willing to take full ownership for the ways in which they participate in the codependent relationship and to heal their underlying trauma. They need to look at themselves with brutal honesty and endless compassion … with the help of a skilled therapist versed in these areas who does not scapegoat one party or the other,” she said.
The narcissist is sincerely willing to seek help and heal
The narcissist also must own the behavior, sincerely work on it, and, in the process, seek help to heal the root causes of the trauma causing the narcissism. This means individual therapy, not just couples therapy. Otherwise, the relationship can get “stuck in a cycle where there’s an ‘illusion of change’,” said Sprowl, “But there’s still going to be an underlying incompatibility. The pattern repeats, and the dynamic stays the same.” If each person is still trying to change the other, it’s a losing battle, she said.
FAQs
Can a narcissist love their spouse? Sprowl believes that yes, a narcissist can have feelings of love toward their spouse. But can they turn love into action? “They’re not capable of the conditions for a healthy relationship,” she said.
Is narcissism a mental illness? Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is defined as a mental health illness in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Individuals can have narcissistic tendencies without being formally diagnosed as NPD.
What are the red flags of a narcissistic husband? Some narcissistic behaviors could include having to be right, an inability to see their spouse’s point of view, projecting their own shortcomings onto their spouse, gaslighting, emotional manipulation, and causing a cycle of abuse (tensions build, incident, reconciliation, calm/honeymoon phase—cycle repeats).
If you or someone you know has been the victim of domestic abuse, these resources are available:
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233)
- Office on Women’s Health
Carmen Garcia-Shushtari, Former Branded Content Editor
Carmen has over 20 years of experience working as a teacher, university administrator, and manager. Her true love has always been writing, and her editorial work explores the joys and challenges of being a working mother while pursuing her own dreams. She is a proud daughter of Mexican immigrants, a mom of two precious boys, and an LA native.
Kathy Sisson, Senior Editor
Kathy Sisson has been a key contributor in the editorial parenting space for eight years, not only as a full-time editor at The Everymom but previously as a freelance writer for top parenting sites, including Scary Mommy, Motherly, Parent Co., and more. As an editor at The Everymom, she has produced hundreds of articles on a range of parenting topics, reviewed dozens of family-focused products, interviewed leading experts in the children and parenting world, and created viral parenting social media content. A mom of two, she is committed to sharing the honest, helpful, and often humorous stories of motherhood.
