Weâve all been there. Youâre finally enjoying a moment of peace when you hear it coming from the playroom: the unmistakable sound of the kids fighting again.
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Mothers wear many hats, including personal chef, homework coach, therapist, chauffeur, and cheerleader. However, what many of us didnât expect to spend so much time on is refereeing our childrenâs squabbles.Â
I relate deeply to this. My younger son is finally at the age where he can play with his older brother, which delights my older oneâexcept when it doesnât. Iâm lucky to have ten minutes of them playing together before a fight breaks out.
Itâs natural for siblings to fight, of course. One study observed sibling conflict might happen up to eight times an hour. But while we know on a logical level that some degree of conflict is normal, how do we know when itâs too much?Â
One study observed sibling conflict might happen up to eight times an hour.
My worries when my kids are fighting span from, âCan Legos be used as a weapon?â to âAre they going to hate each other when they grow up?â But my primary concern when theyâre at each otherâs throats is, âHow am I supposed to handle this situation to ensure my kids need the least amount of therapy when theyâre older?â
Luckily Iâm not alone in my concerns. Early childhood specialist and parenting coach, Yasmin Dorrian, works with caregivers on a wide range of issues, including sibling rivalry. (Full disclosure: I have worked with Yasmin as a client.) So, I asked her to help me navigate the tricky waters of sibling conflict.
When to intervene in sibling conflict
Dorrian advises that when siblings begin to squabble, the answer is almost always to ignore it. âIf possible, remove yourself from the immediate vicinity and find something else to do,â she said. âThis way, youâre not rewarding negative behavior, and youâre giving them some time to figure things out for themselves.âÂ
Iâm definitely guilty of intervening early and often. Itâs a hard habit to break. But how do we know when we should step in? âIf things take a turn and become physical or otherwise dangerous, then it is time to intervene,â said Dorrian. âHowever, in my experience, caregivers do this way too early in the disagreement and way too often. Really pause before entering the situation to determine if you are needed.â
How to step in if you need to
Dorrian reminds us when intervening, âYour job is to calm the chaos.â She recommends modeling a calm demeanor and separating the siblings if safety is an immediate issue. Then, when everyone is in a more stable place, you can ask them to discuss what happened.Â
She cautioned that your role in the aftermath of a conflict is not to dole out justice. Placing judgment or taking sides wonât help. Instead, it can backfire and reinforce negative behavior patterns.
How to help your kids develop their own conflict resolution tools
One creative solution I loved was Dorrianâs suggestion to let kids role-play conflict resolution with their toys. âAsk them to help you find a solution when Batman and Wonder Woman both want to play with the Legos,â she said. âCan they take turns? Can they find a way to play together? Can they split up the Legos?â If they are struggling to find a solution, you can suggest some yourself and assist them in finding a working solution.
She cautioned that your role in the aftermath of a conflict is not to dole out justice. Placing judgment or taking sides wonât help. Instead, it can backfire and reinforce negative behavior patterns.
She also reminded us that kids do as they see. So, if you feel like you canât model the calm way you want your kids to behave, itâs OK to say, âIâm really frustrated right now. Iâm going to take a few deep breaths and see if I can calm down before we talk.â
What if itâs always the same child instigating the conflict?
Dorrian said if one child consistently engages in difficult social behavior, itâs usually because of some disconnection theyâre experiencing. She advises caregivers in this situation to âget really curiousâ about the behavior. âIs there a pattern to it? Does it happen at the same time every day? Does it tend to happen when the child is hungry? Tired?â
She recommended making time to connect with the child who seems to be instigating. âEven five minutes of special time with a caregiver can make a world of difference for a child that is feeling disconnected. Make this time child-centered. Let them decide what they would like to do. Put down the phone, get on the floor and give them your undivided attention.â
The importance of not labeling our kids
As parents, we have opinions on our kidsâ strengths and weaknesses. But Dorrian reminds us that how we treat, describe, and even think about our kids can have an enormous impact on sibling relationships. âWe tend to label our children,â she said. âHeâs the sensitive one. Sheâs the athletic one. Heâs the talker.â But labels can create division, and the identity we place on our children can become their sense of self.Â
âFor example,â Dorrian said, âIf my sister is the smart one, Iâm left to believe Iâm the dumb one. If my brother is a talker, then Iâm quiet. The value placed on these identifying markers can create animosity and result in some pretty intense sibling rivalry.â
When sibling rivalry becomes something more destructive
Although some sibling conflict is normal, Dorrian warned, âIf difficult interactions between siblings become emotionally or physically abusive, itâs time to intervene in a larger way. Working with a parent coach or a family therapist would be a good place to start.â
She also reinforced the need for parents to give children the tools to communicate clearly and fight fairly. âEncourage and model using âI feelâ statements,â she advised. âHave clear family agreements around what behaviors will not be tolerated. Create plenty of space for connection and praise the behavior youâre wanting to see.â
The other night I was making dinner when I heard shouting from upstairs where the kids were playing. Instinctively, I started to race up the stairs. But then I stopped. And in a minute, the shouting did too. When I went up 15 minutes later to tell them dinner was ready, they were sitting side by side building with Magna-Tiles.
Lesson learned. Sometimes itâs worth asking an expert.