"When I met my husband, I knew nothing about golf, save for a few scant details about how long it takes to play and how much people who play it like it. While we were dating, I saw the times that he’d go golfing to be self-care days. He’d be gone for five or more hours depending on where he was playing, so I’d feel like I had an excuse to have a slow morning catching up on Bravo shows he wouldn’t want to watch and would often use the time to catch up with girlfriends. It was great—he got to do something he loved, and I got to fully recharge. But things changed after having kids. Gone are the carefree lazy days while he spends time on the golf course, filled instead with pulling single parent duties for a large chunk of the day as a ‘golf widow.’
But golf is something my husband loves, and I think it’s important in any relationship to try to give both sides an opportunity to pursue things that fill their proverbial cup. I’m coming up on my 10th season as a ‘golf widow,’ and while there are definitely times that I’ve wished my husband liked something that only took a fraction of time that golf does, it’s not something I want him to give up. Here are my tips for how I make being a ‘golf widow’ work.
Take the time to learn the basics about golf
My favorite comedian Heather McMahan recently gave some great advice to a golf widow on her podcast. “Just learn the golf lingo language so you can communicate with the love of your life,” she says. And it’s true, the more I’ve learned about golf and the players, the more connected I feel to my husband.
I can ask him how his golf round went and understand what he means if he says he bogeyed a hole or had a ‘sand save,’ I know how to keep score, and can hold a conversation about what professional players are playing in each tournament and how they’re doing. Because, yes, when my husband isn’t playing golf he’s watching it, and the saying is true that if you can’t beat them you should join them.
As a result, I’ve always had a soft spot for Rory McIlroy (and gosh, how could you not after his recent trip to the Masters and his speech to his daughter Poppy about never giving up) and love when I can celebrate my husband’s favorite golfers alongside him when they do well.
We’ve also taught our girls a few golf terms, so now every time Dad leaves to play, the girls tell him how many birdies he should come home with. They often tell him he needs to come home with a wild number, like 12, but it’s cute that they are learning about something he loves so much.
Book tee times strategically
The biggest gripe I have about being a golf widow is tee times that fall between 10 a.m. and 12 p.m. Between leaving with enough time to warm up before the round, playing during the peak time, and driving home, he’s easily gone from about 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. for a 10 a.m. tee time, meaning I’m with the kids solo. All. Day. Long.
Sometimes, it’s unavoidable that a tee time falls in the middle of the day, but my husband tries to book an earlier tee time so that he’ll still be around for at least some of the day. It’s a good compromise. He still gets to golf, but I feel more supported in parenting duties, too.
We’ve also experimented with him booking a mid-afternoon tee time, which can be good for families with afternoon nap times. With a mid-afternoon tee time, he can be on parenting duty in the morning before he goes, but it also means he gets home after bedtime. To me, it’s still better than him being gone all day.
Clear communication before and during the round
My husband and I have figured out a couple of ground rules that make golf work for our family.
No surprises
First, he doesn’t spring a golf outing on me at the last minute. Parenting on the weekend is better with teamwork, so a surprise announcement about golfing if I was expecting teamwork on a Saturday would not go over well.
Communication along the way
Second, he gives me an idea of how the golf course is playing the first few holes. He can usually get a pretty good sense of whether things are running slow, meaning he and the rest of his foursome are having to wait for each hole, early on and will let me know if he thinks it’ll take longer to play.
He also tells me when he’s half-way through his golf round to give me an idea of how long he has left and when he’ll be home. If he’s planning on grabbing beers or food after his round, he also lets me know.
Because the time it takes to play golf varies widely, keeping me updated is crucial. If I thought he’d be back in five hours and it ends up being seven hours without any communication, I’m going to be pretty upset, especially if I thought those last two hours were ones I’d be able to clock out for.
On golf days, the kids and I prioritize doing something fun
I’ve found getting out of the house for an activity with my girls while my husband is playing golf makes me feel like less of a golf widow. It doesn’t have to be anything major. We’ll often head to the children’s museum, a playground, or, if I’m feeling confident, to the pool. But having our own activity breaks up the day and takes the pressure off of me to solely entertain our girls.
I also have a couple of girlfriends whose husbands play golf and really understand what it’s like to be a golf widow. It’s fun to get together with them and their kids while our husbands play, too.
After my husband golfs, I get a break, too
I’ve heard other women gripe about how their husband comes home from golf only to be “too tired” to help with anything. Yes, it is draining to be out in the sun all day and especially tiring if he decides to walk the course versus ride in a golf cart, but my husband and I talked early on about how that sort of attitude wouldn’t fly in our house. Being a ‘golf widow’ means that while he’s on the course I’m taking care of the kids, but when he’s home he’s an active parent.
I’ve never had to ask him to start jumping back into parenting mode after he’s back, and there’s an unspoken rule that he’s on solo bedtime duty (my least favorite parenting activity) the days he golfs.
On top of that, we always figure out when I can get an extended break, too. If he golfs on a Saturday, this might mean I get to sleep in on Sunday and that he solo parents until lunchtime or may mean that he takes the girls for an outing while I have the house to myself. We each get our time to relax and recharge, which makes things feel more balanced.
Final thoughts on being a ‘golf widow’
Being part of the ‘abandoned golf wives’ club gets a bad rap on social media, but with good communication and expectation level-setting, I’ve found that my husband and I can make it work. I want him to have a hobby that brings him joy, just like I want the same for myself.
Hopefully, in the coming years, I’ll be able to send one or both of my girls to play golf with him so I can get back to my Bravo shows and lazy mornings, but until then, we’ve found a formula that works well for us.
Elliott Harrell, Contributing Writer
Elliott is a mom of two little girls and is based in Raleigh, NC. She spends her days running a sales team and doing laundry and her nights writing about the things that she loves. She’s passionate about all things motherhood and women’s health. When she’s not working, writing or parenting you can find her trying a new restaurant in town or working on her latest needlepoint project.