"I recently gave birth to my second child, and even in the thick of being postpartum, the mental load never wavers. During late-night feeds, I’m already thinking about what I need to pack for my son’s school the next day or making a mental note—“remember to add milk to the grocery list.” Life continues on around you, and you may find yourself wondering how you can even keep up or adjust to the ever-changing life as a mom.
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If you’re like me, it’s hard to ask for help. Especially when it comes to home life. So, the postpartum texts like, “Let me know if you need anything” or “What can I do for you?” aren’t really helpful. Thank you, but I’m not going to ask you for anything. My brain capacity can’t go beyond “I’ll just do it myself.” Because in reality, I need ALL the things. Taking the time to figure it out and delegate what I need feels like more work and a burden at the same time. So, what do you do if you want to support a friend who just had a baby? A viral TikTok post by Cameron Oaks Rogers has the best advice on how to support your postpartum friend.
Food is a given
Postpartum parents are often so busy tending to their new baby, they forget to take care of themselves. So bringing—or sending—some nourishing snacks or meals is always appreciated, which Rogers mentions in her video.
Send a supportive text with options
But this supportive text example is the real reason her viral video has been liked by more than 40k people and has over 16k saves. I even saved it. Her advice is mom-approved—by me—someone who is fresh in her postpartum era because my friends and family did the same for me.
In her viral TikTok, Rogers says supporting a friend who just had a baby starts as a simple text. She says the text should be specific, and you should offer things that someone might feel uncomfortable asking you to do. TikTok user @lexisrb33 commented, “Yes yes yes! It’s so awkward to ask!” This includes things like making them dinner, cleaning their house, or watching the baby so they can sleep. Let me tell you, sleep is gold. Rogers gives the following example to text your friend:
Good morning love! I am yours from the hours of 12 to 3 tomorrow so please let me know how you would like to use me. Here are some options:
- I come while you hang with the baby and I do laundry, bottles, cooking, buy and put away groceries
- I come and take care of the baby while you sleep in your room alone or you go do something by yourself or you go out to lunch with the two of you and the baby
- I come and take you out to lunch with or without the baby
- And we sit on the couch and just chat or watch a funny movie with the baby
You can decide whenever you want just let me know!
Rogers states, “Letting them have the decision is so important.” Getting someone to accept the help might be a feat in itself. Personally, it was initially difficult for me to accept help when it was offered because I felt like I needed to return the favor. It wasn’t until I stumbled upon a video from @nurturewomenstherapy by Amy Swart, a pregnancy and postpartum therapist, where she iterates, “There will be plenty of times in your life when you will be in a season of giving and be the one offering help… you are in the season of RECEIVING …” For TikTok user @delancey.diy, she commented, “Why am I crying wishing someone had done this for me after my first when I was so lost in (undiagnosed) PPD?”
What if there’s a toddler in the mix?
Rogers gives another solution if your friend has other children or a toddler in the mix. Her example text says the following:
- I come and take the toddler to go do something fun or stay with the toddler and you leave with the baby so you can have some alone time with the baby.
- I come and stay with the baby and you take the toddler out just the two of you for some 1v1 time.
When you have trusting people in your life this is helpful. Friends and family have taken my 3-year-old for a couple of hours to play with friends and cousins, and this is a great option.
What if you don’t live nearby?
After the initial video by Rogers went viral, people chimed in, asking how they could help if they were not geographically close. Rogers instructs it’s still OK to send a text, but plan it out accordingly. She advises to send a text a week out from the due date and ask what their favorite go-to restaurant and order is. You have all the information you need—once the person has delivered their baby—you can send a quick text asking if you can send them their dinner via DoorDash, Uber Eats, or any type of food delivery service.
Other ways to help if you don’t live close:
- Send a cleaning service
- Send a lawn mowing service
- Send diapers
- Send hydration packets
- Send protein bars
- Send a kindle book through email (This one’s my favorite for late-night nursing sessions)
@existentialreadhead commented, “We had a friend get us a snack box subscription and it was awesome! Having surprise snacks just show up to my house made me cry.”
Don’t forget about the mom
Rogers also points out that it’s easy to focus on the baby rather than the mom. I mean—I know. Who doesn’t want to cuddle and stare at a cute baby all day? But even a simple, “How are you today?” text can go a long way. I love how Rogers mentions, “I would never in a million [explicit] years known to send this type of text or offer this type of thing before I had kids because you simply don’t know. It’s a universal experience. We all go on this apology tour after our first.” It’s true. I didn’t know how to show up for my friends who were pregnant when I wasn’t a mom. Like Rogers says, “I never could have imagined what [they] were going through.” So thank you, Cameron Oaks Rogers, for giving us the perspective we all needed.
Patty Schepel, Editorial Intern
As the editorial intern, Patty works with The Everymom’s team on pitches, creating original articles, updating existing content, photo sourcing, writing shopping product descriptions, inputting freelance articles, and more. When she’s not working, you can find her spending time with her family, training for half marathons—she ran one 16 weeks pregnant—traveling, cooking, reading a rom-com, and keeping her sourdough starter, Rose, alive.