Family dynamics can be a tricky thing when you’re younger, but they take on new meaning as you grow up and your family expands. Significant others, in-laws, and kids bring new joys and new relationships to navigate. One grandma, Grandma Jan (@grandmacampplanner on TikTok and Instagram), sparked tons of video stitches and comments with a suggestion she shared about these relationships. She says in her now-viral video, “Let me say something a lot of parents are afraid to admit. Yes, it’s absolutely OK to take a family vacation without your sons and daughter-in-law.” She goes on to say, “It doesn’t mean you don’t love them…sometimes you just want time with your own kids, the ones you raised.”
As a mom, I can totally see her perspective. When my two daughters are adults, I’d love to spend time with just them without their significant others from time to time. As a sister and a daughter, I get it, too. I love my husband and my sisters-in-law, but there is something special about hanging with just my brothers and parents. We’re a tight-knit group. However, those moments usually happen by chance or a specific reason, not a planned exclusion. Plus, my mother-in-law has certainly never planned a family vacation excluding me…that would sting. And stung is likely how Grandma Jan feels reading her comment section. Her video has nearly one million views, about 7,000 likes, and tons of shares. Yet the nearly 15,000 comments are, well, mostly not good.
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Is it OK to leave in-laws out of family vacations?
To be fair to Grandma Jan, she did chime in the comments, claiming she was just posing the question; it’s not something she’s done. Her daughters also posted a follow-up video in support, but—as is the case with social media posts that spark a little rage—this is the video making the rounds:
Reactions to one grandma’s hot take on family vacations
Toxic MIL red flags
“I feel a ‘no contact’ in her future,” wrote one user. “And this is how estrangement happens,” wrote another.
“100% disagree. This is how you create division and codependency. Why are [you] afraid of letting your children go?” wrote TikTok user carli anna.
“No. So much of this is toxic. As a mother of 5 and 7 grandchildren, I raised my kids. I had my time. They have new families. I would never plan a vacation that doesn’t include them,” wrote user Deanna Moser.
When it’s OK to leave the in-laws behind
“Dinner? Yes. A visit? Yes. Vacation, no” wrote one user.
“The only time this would be true is if it’s just like a girls’ trip or guys camping weekend,” wrote user Donna.
“Space is one thing: vacations are another- take your bio kid to coffee; but the whole family to Disney,” wrote user Jeannine DePaul.
“I did encourage my husband one time to go on a weekend trip to New York with his mother, but she was trying to go all by herself, which we did not want, and he hardly ever gets to spend time with her. But never has she tried to plan a vacation without me or my kids,” wrote user Lindsay Taylor.
The importance of acknowledging that families change and expand
One of the most popular stitch reactions to this grandma’s viral video about excluding sons and daughters-in-law from family vacations came from TikTok user @heyjanellemarie. She empathizes with Grandma Jan, saying all feelings are valid. And it’s fair to grieve the younger version of your kids and family. However, sometimes those feelings don’t need to be shared or acted upon. “I need to celebrate my children in the phase of life they’re in now, or else I’m going to be miserable,” she states.
Many commenters had similar reactions and cautioned that excluding sons or daughters-in-law for a vacation was a risk to relationships with adult children that wasn’t worth it.
“Planning a vacation without your child’s significant others will only create a divide & isn’t going to benefit any relationship,” wrote TikTok user Jay Kay.
“The ‘original crew’ was dissolved when the kids got married. At the same time, a new, larger, more extended family was created,” wrote TikTok user Janna.
“This would be a huge mistake. We had our ‘just us’ memories when they were little,” wrote TikTok user Peg Elmquist.
“You do realize when they got married YOU became a brand, not them? Their family unit is the tree, you da branch,” wrote TikTok Brittinay Nicolette Sentz.
Final thoughts
Were the comments a little too hard on Grandma Jan? Perhaps. Is her video getting shared far and wide thanks to all the angry engagement? Likely. Still, I don’t fault Grandma Jan for wanting to spend time with just her adult children, but suggesting exclusionary vacations probably wasn’t the best approach.
Kathy Sisson, Senior Editor
Kathy Sisson has been a key contributor in the editorial parenting space for eight years, not only as a full-time editor at The Everymom but previously as a freelance writer for top parenting sites, including Scary Mommy, Motherly, Parent Co., and more. As an editor at The Everymom, she has produced hundreds of articles on a range of parenting topics, reviewed dozens of family-focused products, interviewed leading experts in the children and parenting world, and created viral parenting social media content. A mom of two, she is committed to sharing the honest, helpful, and often humorous stories of motherhood.
