"Two months ago, the phrase “eldest daughter syndrome” started to go viral. It seemingly began with a TikTok video from Kati Morton, a licensed marriage and family therapist, that spawned countless tweets, Instagram posts, clubs, hashtags (#BigSisEnergy), think pieces, and yes, even merch. The reason for its virality can be debated, but more likely than not, it’s because being the eldest daughter is a hyper-relatable, shared experience that spans geographies, ages, incomes, and creeds. Morton herself said she felt it resonated “because it spoke to people about a specific issue that they couldn’t put their finger on.”
Why, exactly, “eldest daughter syndrome” exists in the first place, though, is a bit harder to pin down. Some experts speculate it’s due to unique familial pressures thrust upon us firstborns. Others point to societal expectations, which can curb autonomy and push nurturance. And then there’s research from UCLA, which correlates stress during pregnancy with early maturity of the first-born daughter. (Yes, moms, that’s yet another thing we’re being blamed for.)
No matter its root cause, the stereotypes of being the eldest daughter have been around long before TikTok. As the oldest in my family, I can certainly attest that many of the clichés ring true. But as a mother to a daughter myself, I wondered how these eldest daughter tropes might affect my parenting style. So, in true type-A manner, with the help of a few experts, I made a pros and cons list:
Pros and Cons of Eldest Daughter Stereotypes
The Responsible One
Licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. Patrice Le Goy, says, “Eldest daughters may feel a strong sense of responsibility for their siblings. This includes providing social, emotional, and financial support.”
Well, I’d argue that social, emotional, and financial support is also what we strive to provide for our children. And being called ‘responsible’ as a parent certainly feels like a good thing to me. So, this is one notch in the PRO column.
The ‘Good’ One
Author Elise Loehnen’s book, On Our Best Behavior, explores the idea that women are conditioned to be ‘good’ while men are conditioned for power. During a discussion on the podcast, The Parenting Reframe, she said, “As a high-achieving, ‘good’ woman, I recognized the ways that I was using that as a shield… If I just work harder… If I just am a perfect parent, then I will reach a point in my life where I feel safe and secure.”
I think it says something about our society that one of the worst insults you could sling at a woman is to call her a ‘bad mom.’ But what constitutes a good mom? And if we have a bad day, does that skew our scorecard? Chasing after an impossible ideal is never going to end well, so this eldest daughter trait is going on the CON list.
The Nurturer
“Eldest daughters, in some families, are expected to be the ones to bring people together, to be that emotional source of support,” said Laurie Kramer, Ph.D., a professor of applied psychology at Northeastern University.
This summarizes how I think of my ‘job’ as a mom. I can only hope that one day, my daughter will describe me as ‘nurturing.’ Because of that, I see this eldest trait as a clear PRO.
The Bossy One
In an article in The Atlantic that predated the TikTok video, Sarah Sloat interviewed Brent Roberts, a psychology professor at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. She wrote, “When Roberts asks his students what qualities they associate with firstborns, students who are themselves firstborns tend to list off positives like ‘responsible’ and ‘leadership’; those who aren’t firstborns, he told me, call out ‘bossy’ and ‘overcontrolling.’”
This isn’t a moniker that sits well with me, but I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t truth to it. In one regard, kids need a leader, so having someone in charge can’t be all bad. But, of course, with bossiness comes the need for control. And as anyone who’s ever tried to control a toddler can tell you, good luck with that. This is a point for both PRO and CON.
The High Achiever
A few of the traits that licensed psychologist Dr. Sabrina Romanoff attributes to eldest daughters are “high achieving, organized, and good at managing stress.”
Saying that moms are busy would be like saying babies cry—it’s obvious and a massive understatement. Not only do we need to love, clothe, feed, bathe, and educate our kids daily, but we often put undue pressure on ourselves to do so in an organic, unprocessed, locally-sourced, screen-free, body-positive, independence-affirming, gender-neutral way. Still, being a high achiever often gives us a leg up, allowing us to tackle mammoth to-do lists with (what looks like) ease. I’ll pop this one and a gold medal for us on the PRO side.
The Perfectionist
Stephanie Hernandez, LPC at Sage Therapy Chicago, said, “Eldest daughters may feel pressure to meet high standards set by their parents or themselves. They often strive for perfection in academics, behavior, and achievements to meet these expectations.”
While, on the surface, this may seem like a good thing, we all know that perfection in parenting is unattainable. Every mom is human, and even the best mothers have bad days. And while this trait is a point for the CON list, let’s just remember that even at our worst, we’re still doing better than our younger siblings. (Just kidding!)
Katie Cline
Katie Cline is mom, writer, traveler, and an award-winning public relations professional who has led global communications for world-renowned companies such as Starwood Hotels & Resorts, Marriott International, Michael Kors, and more, in both New York City and London. When she’s not busy planning her next trip, Katie can be found trying a new restaurant with her husband, Joe; schooling her British-born toddler, Nora, on the magnificence of New York bagels; or refilling the Prozac-prescription for her asthmatic rescue pup, Jack Daniels.