"Maybe hate is too strong a word. Dislike is a better way to put it. But what it comes down to is simple—I do not like my mother-in-law. Let me paint you a picture. The first time my husband took me to meet his mother to announce our engagement, my mother-in-law went on and on about what a wonderful person his ex-wife was. Now, don’t get me wrong, I honestly don’t doubt that my husband’s ex was a wonderful person (she’d have to be to put up with my husband), but talking about her in front of me when we were there to talk about our marriage was rude and hurtful.
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I’ve tried very hard to remember that my mother-in-law comes from a different time. You see, my husband and I have a large age gap, so my mother-in-law is old enough to be my grandmother. She also comes from a different culture where we do not always see eye to eye on things. The fact that I am my husband’s second wife does not help since in her eyes, his first wife will always be his first wife. And I have tried, I really have tried, to understand that my mother-in-law has not lived the easiest and happiest life, but a lot of that is of her own doing. She is often her own worst enemy. She has a loving and successful family, with children, grandchildren, a beautiful home, etc. Yet, she is not happy and takes that out on those around her, even on her own son.
The Last Straw With My Mother-in-Law
My mother-in-law has gone out of her way to make me feel bad and even downplayed the importance of my daughter being her granddaughter. For me, that was the last straw. I honestly have very little contact with her anymore. But I understand that my husband is, of course, in a different place. For him, she will always be his mother, and so, once in a while, he calls and visits. But as for me, my contact is very limited except for the occasional visit. She rarely calls, and when she does, she barely asks about our family.
When we do visit, I am polite but somewhat distant. I honestly don’t put in any more effort than I need to without being rude. I only offer what information is needed. Of course, I wish things were different, but for me, I’m not interested in having a relationship with someone who is clearly not interested in having any sort of relationship with me. I know I’m not alone in having a complex relationship with my mother-in-law, so I reached out to an expert to offer some guidance.
Robin Hornstein, Ph.D.
Robin Hornstein, Ph.D. offers psychotherapy and life coaching via Telehealth. Robin is licensed in several states as a member of Psypact. Specializing in Eating Disorders, Fertility, Parenting, College Transition, and the anxiety/depression continuum, Robin is an intersectional/inclusive therapist and coach.
What to Do if You Hate Your Mother-in-Law
The stereotype about MILs who are difficult certainly doesn’t apply to every mother-in-law. “Unless your MIL is toxic to everyone and has a very select fan club, mostly consisting of herself, my guess is she is trying to be a part of your life and does not know how,” explains Dr. Robin Hornstein, Ph.D. “She may be emulating her own mother or trying not to be like her mother.”
The first thing to consider is what you are willing to change about your approach to her that would smooth the friction. As Dr. Hornstein suggests, can you apologize for a slight she is holding on to, sit her down to talk it all out, or surprise her with something she loves? More importantly, can you think about what you wanted in an extended family when you married your partner?
Empathy could help manage your response to her antics or problems. What feels at stake? Is this stressful for your spouse or your kids who love their grandmother? For example, you are raising your kids vegetarian, and she sneaks them meat as she does not agree, or you are choosing a different spiritual path than she raised her kids with, and she fights with you about it. Dr. Hornstein suggests learning to respond with love and boundaries is the best you can do.
Finally, this is a growing relationship, one that can be quite wonderful—give it some time and let yourself think of her as someone you are going to be around for a long time. That makes it worth the effort to work on the relationship, even if you feel hurt and frustrated by her at times. At best, you can find common ground because you both love her child. Be curious and get to know her in a new way. If it does not work, at least you tried. If it does, you get another person in your life to love.
