When I was younger, my mom would cover my eyes during a sex scene on TV. When I was older, I asked her why she did that and she told me it was her way of trying to protect me from learning anything too early.
While her intentions may have been good, she unintentionally introduced me to my complicated relationship with sex. Trying to shield me from sex, rather than talk to me about it, combined with my religious upbringing, formed a rather stoic view of sex in my young mind. I thought sex was meant for adults who were married and who didn’t let other people know they were sexually active.
It has taken years to heal from what I now know is sexual shame, and I’ve since learned that I’m not the only one to carry this burden. But what is sexual shame? Although there are several definitions, basically it is feeling negative about one’s sexual desires or sexuality. According to Dr. Jennifer Litner, Ph.D., LMFT, CST of Embrace Sexual Wellness, LLC, “we are not born with it. It is something that’s learned and absorbed throughout our lives.”
How Sexual Shame Impacts Sex
“Sexual shame can affect sex in a lot of ways,” said Dr. Litner. “Some people feel more inhibited which means they may have more blocks toward sexual desire, difficulty being present, and can have different challenges with being in tune with their body.”
Being unable to tune into your body can affect your arousal during sex which can impact your ability to orgasm. Sexual shame can also present when someone thinks “sex is wrong/bad or wondering if you deserve sex/pleasure,” said Dr. Litner.
Can Sexual Shame Be Triggered After Pregnancy?
“Sexual shame can be activated at different points in a person’s life,” Dr. Litner said. For example, we spoke candidly about my own shame being triggered after the birth of my son. “The process of birth can be unpleasant or traumatic for some people, or it can be beautiful and wonderful for others,” said Dr. Litner. The process of giving birth can “invoke a lot of emotions… it is possible to experience triggers you may not be aware you had,” she said.
Specifically, “some moms feel their bodies are not their own during the postpartum period,” Dr. Litner continued. Things like breastfeeding, if you choose to do so, can “make moms feel that their breasts are only their child’s which doesn’t feel ‘sexy.'” She wanted moms to know that this isn’t an abnormal feeling, because “six weeks is not the standard [for everyone].”
“When you feel ready to have sex mentally and emotionally is key,” she said.
Source: Alex Green | Pexels
How to Identify Roots of Sexual Shame
“Sexual shame can come from a lot of different places—your family of origin, communities (academic, religious, etc.), or relational experiences,” Dr. Litner explained. It can also stem from “puberty, the media, or your body image.” For example, “if you learned that having pubic hair is dirty or shameful, you may always carry that thought with you,” Dr. Litner said. It’s possible that your shame is so pervasive that you’re not fully aware of it. Even if that’s the case, you can rest assured that healing can happen.
To begin identifying the root of sexual shame, Dr. Litner suggested individuals begin asking themselves key questions:
- What are some of the challenges you experience? For example, are you frustrated trying to reach orgasm?
- Why is it hard? Where did you learn this?
- Do you need to unpack thoughts about masturbation and sexual pleasure?
- Do you want to have experiences you feel you are unable to?
- Do you have negative beliefs about yourself as a sexual being? Have you always had these thoughts?
“Some people have a greater awareness about this,” Dr. Litner explained. If you find that you’re unsure if you have sexual shame, you can begin asking yourself these questions. Sometimes it helps to keep a journal nearby so you’re able to reflect on your thoughts about sex.
Healing From Sexual Shame
Dr. Litner wanted readers to know that healing from sexual shame depends on the person. “For those who are partnered with another person and have a sexual relationship, they have to realize their partner can have their own beliefs about sex,” she said. Sometimes these feelings can “show up and enhance someone’s feelings about sexual shame. It’s [also] possible both people may have mutual feelings about it,” Dr. Litner explained.
For those who are single, their healing process may be “easier” to work through because they may not feel pressured to heal so they are able to show up sexually for a partner. If someone wants to be involved in a relationship, romantic or sexual, their healing process may be affected.
As Dr. Litner mentioned, healing is not necessarily linear, but it’s not meant to be that way. While you may experience something similar to another person, your approach to healing from it might look different. The good news is that it’s not about competing with others to become the best-healed version of yourself. You can take as long as you need to process and begin your healing journey.
