"If you’re unfamiliar with the term “safe word,” it’s a phrase you and a partner come up with during consensual sex. When things get too “rough” in the sheets or uncomfortable, say the word, and you’ve indicated you’ve decided to “tap out.” I never thought I’d be using the term “safe word” for couples when talking about family life, but here we are. While I highly recommend having boundaries in bed—you probably came here for all the details of my sex life—I’m sorry to inform you that’s a story for another time.
While my husband and I have a safe word, it has nothing to do with sex. It has everything to do with being a parent. Parenting can be overstimulating, and there are times when the overwhelming feeling can take over in a battle against a meltdown with your child. My husband and I decided to come up with a safe word—for parenting—that allows us to “tap out” in a situation when we need to take a breather. Having a safe word involves having boundaries, and I’ve found it’s helpful when you have a child who is still learning what boundaries are.
How using a safe word came up
The safe word my husband and I use for dealing with the kids came up accidentally when my son was testing my limits. I felt like a broken record, and as time went on, my inner dialogue became an outward dialogue of pure frustration. We jokingly said, “It’s like we need a safe word.”
Age 4 has been such a fun but hard age. There are moments I absolutely love, like the random “I love yous” that melt my heart. It’s so cool to see my 4-year-old be inquisitive, funny, and helpful. Other times, I feel like I’m living in an undeclared “opposite day.” I’ll say to do one thing, and the exact opposite happens. It can be frustrating, but I know it’s not my son’s fault. According to the counselors from Rooted Rhythm, “Typical preschoolers’ behavior includes often going out of bounds and consistently testing limits!”
He’s still learning how to be a human, and it’s my job as a parent to help guide him. But it’s equally as important for me to know I’m also human, too. There are moments where I struggle to keep my cool. So, a safe word was born.
Why a parenting safe word can help
I felt like I wanted to pull my hair out, and I knew my frustration was no longer allowing me to be productive. It felt like I had tried everything from “Let’s take deep breaths” to validating his feelings with an emotions chart to attempts at redirection. I needed my husband to take over so I could regulate my emotions before helping my son do the same. Experts at the Zero To Three organization say, “Learning to manage your own reactions is one of [the] most important ways you can reduce your own—and your child’s—distress.” Most importantly, “It also teaches children how to manage their own emotions—a skill that helps them do better in school and in building friendships and other relationships as they grow.”
Knowing when to use one
Experts share, “If you see the [child’s] behavior as manipulative or to be purposefully hurtful (i.e., biting, hitting), then you are more likely to react in ways that escalate instead of calm your child.” However, if you “see these behaviors in the context of normal development, then you can approach your child with empathy, making it much more likely you will respond calmly and effectively.”
My husband and I usually reconvene in a separate room to debrief a tough situation with our 4-year-old after everyone is calm. We often do this when we have moments of, “What just happened?” We review how we handled the situation, if it was appropriate, or how we could have done better. Sometimes, I’m able to be in tune with my own emotions, and admittedly, other times I am not. As a parent, it’s never the best feeling.
Knowing when to use a safe word is important for me, especially if I’m failing to respond with empathy. I try not to use a safe word every time. Mentally regulating myself while my child is reacting with opposition is an exercise I always want to practice. I like to use the safe word when I’ve exhausted all my coping skills or if I’ve failed to hit the mark with a calm reaction and can’t seem to level myself back down. When I know I’ve reached my limit, I’ll say the safe word, and my husband will take over for me. Additionally, if my husband and I notice it’s time for one of us to leave a meltdown, we’ll use the safe word on each other. Lastly, we always try to circle back with our son and say, “I’m sorry,” if our emotions got the best of us.
Choosing a safe word for couples
My husband and I workshopped our safe word as a couple before one finally stuck. We settled on the word “heal.” Truthfully, this word came up because we use the command “heel” with our dog when we need her to slow down on walks. A little random, but it felt fitting—like a reminder for us to slow down in a heated state. Plus, the word “heal” is also like a command to heal our inner thoughts. We may have put some thought into our safe word, but it doesn’t have to have any meaning behind it. When choosing a safe word, it should be simple, easy to pronounce, memorable, and something you don’t use in daily dialogue.
How our word has helped me parent
Before having kids of my own, I thought I would never yell when my time came. I know, it’s not a realistic expectation. I’ve learned to never say “never” when it comes to parenting. However, anger and frustration are something I don’t want to lead with. Having a safe word as a couple has helped me recognize when it’s OK for me to take a step back and find out what’s actually triggering me. It also makes me feel like my husband and I are working as a team rather than as a lone man out there in the battlefield of parenthood. Parenting isn’t always the easiest, and what may work for someone doesn’t always work for others. If you’ve found yourself in a similar situation when dealing with your own kids, maybe give a safe word a try. If it’s not for you, then that is OK, too.
Patty Schepel, Editorial Assistant
As the editorial assistant, Patty works with The Everymom’s team on pitches, creating original articles, updating existing content, photo sourcing, writing shopping product descriptions, inputting freelance articles, and more. When she’s not working, you can find her spending time with her family, training for half marathons—she ran one 16 weeks pregnant—traveling, cooking, reading a rom-com, and keeping her sourdough starter, Rose, alive.