"When you go to school for teaching, you learn how to teach content. You explore methods, strategies, and approaches to reading, mathematics, history, and science—for elementary school, it’s the basics. For older grades, there’s more complex subject matter. The content is usually age-appropriate and paced around a broader, goal-oriented curriculum. But regardless of the grade, what they don’t teach you is Social Emotional Learning (SEL). Usually, SEL is left off the curriculum and left up to the parents (and sometimes the guidance counselors or school social workers).
I was a teacher for 11 years before going full-time freelance writing, and I’ve learned a thing or two about the importance of having a solid foundation in Social Emotional Learning (SEL). I’ve seen students with a strong sense of it soar, and students without it struggle. And now, in my most important role as a mom, I respect the concept of social emotional learning more than ever before. In fact, I kind of think SEL is everything.
Often referred to as SEL, Social Emotional Learning is the umbrella term for the concept of children learning and exploring how to be self-aware, accountable, to regulate their emotions, and to make good decisions. These must-have skills are essential to growing and thriving. Without them, kids struggle.
Teaching SEL at home can feel intimidating. You might not know where to start or how to do it the “right way”—so to help, Dr. Adrian Oxman, a New Jersey-based licensed child psychologist and a mom of two, is sharing her expertise and insight about what exactly SEL is, why it’s important, and how parents can help to foster it.
Adrian T. Oxman, Psy.D.
Adrian Oxman is a New Jersey-based licensed child psychologist and a mom of two. She works from a client-centered, cognitive behavioral and psychodynamic framework that incorporates current research in neuroscience, developmental psychology, and attachment theory.
What is Social Emotional Learning (SEL)?
Oxman says SEL is the process in which children learn to understand and manage their feelings and emotions, how they develop healthy relationships, and how to acknowledge the life skills needed to grow and mature in a healthy way. Essentially, she says, “We’re looking at acquiring skills in areas such as self-awareness, emotion regulation, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision-making.”
Why is SEL Important for Kids?
As a mom of two, Oxman says she feels very passionate about the topic. “Not to be dramatic,” she says, “but it almost doesn’t matter if your kid can read, write, and count to 100 if they can’t manage their emotions. Emotional intelligence is just as important, if not more so, than academic skills.”
Understanding, expressing, and managing emotions are part of the necessary groundwork for personal well-being. And Oxman notes that kiddos who can effectively and mindfully manage their emotions are often better equipped to face life challenges and to develop resiliency.
“It’s like building a house,” she says, “academic skills are important bricks, but emotional intelligence is the foundation that supports everything else.” Yep, it’s that important—especially when there are bouts of tricky weather (an inevitable part of growing up).
SEL Tips for Parents
So, how can you help support and develop SEL at home? Oxman says that the main way, and the most organic way, is by modeling. “Children learn from watching their parents. So, if you are able to identify and manage your emotions in a healthy way, your children will begin to as well,” she says.
As with most worthwhile efforts in parenting, this is a bit easier said than done. But it makes so much sense when you think about it. “You would never put a kid on a seesaw, tell them to find an even place, and then walk away,” says Oxman. “They need you to help them find that balance. This is co-regulation.”
Another SEL tip for parents is to create a non-judgmental environment where open communication is encouraged. Oxman says this looks like asking questions that might include, “How did that make you feel?” or “How do you think your friend felt when that happened?” In doing this, you are helping them build self/other awareness and empathy through perspective taking.
You can also use books, shows, or movies—maybe even some favorites of your little one—to help explore these topics and serve as helpful but organic points of reference. Oxman says that this can be a nice way to help children understand different aspects of SEL, as you can discuss the characters’ emotions, choices they made, actions they took, words they said, and more.
And of course, since we’re dealing with littles here, you’ll also want to be sure you have clear and consistent boundaries in place at home. These will help your child learn self-management as they navigate clearly defined expectations and consequences. Oxman stresses, “Consistent routines and limits help children understand boundaries and develop self-regulation.”
Erin Celletti, Contributing Writer
Erin is an NYC-based writer with a BA in Journalism from Quinnipiac University and two master’s degrees in education. She is a proud mama to a little girl and a lifestyle, beauty, wellness, and trends reports writer. Beyond The Everymom, Erin’s editorial work has been featured in publications like Bustle, Allure, Byrdie, The Everygirl, TeenVogue, BRIDES, Sunday Edit, and TODAY.