"Simone Biles is an Olympic champion, whose story has inspired many people, but for foster youth and adoptees like myself, it hits especially close to home. In an interview with Today, she recently mentioned that “if not for my parents and adoption, I wouldn’t be where I am today,” a sweet sentiment that touched interviewer Hoda Kotb’s heart, who happens to be an adoptive mother herself.
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Over the past few weeks, among her Olympic medal wins, people seemed interested in the dynamics of her family, especially after Simone Biles’ birth mother spoke to the press about her desire to reunite with her daughter. Biles’ mother struggled with addiction when Simone and her siblings were small, and they were put into foster care until her grandparents, Ronald and Nellie adopted Simone and her sister Adria, and Ronald’s sister took in the other sisters.
As an adoptee myself, it has been stressful to see how many people feel the right to judge Biles’ family situation, and my heart goes out to her. I also shared my adoption story publicly and know how exhausting and disheartening the comments can be. Here are a few things I wish people would consider when talking about Simone Biles’ adoption story:
1. Experiences and feelings vary for adoptees and foster youth
Some adoptees are very happy with adoptions, some are not, and there are, of course, those who waver somewhere in the middle dealing with the loss of first family, loss of biological and sometimes racial mirrors, birth country and language, etc. This trauma will affect everyone differently depending on the post-adoption resources and support the child and adoptive family have, which unfortunately is not accessible to every family. This lack of support and resources can lead to situations where a child is re-homed to another family or put into foster care.
As an adoptee advocate, I’ve interviewed hundreds of adoptees. It is easy to see how deeply being adopted affected people’s lives—from their relationships with romantic partners to their parenting choices. But what I found most interesting is that even in the most supportive and loving adoptive family, sometimes adoptees still struggle.
Biles has been very vocal about the importance therapy has in her journey, and it is something I recommend, even when a child isn’t showing obvious signs of struggle. Having a trusted therapist to rely on can help adopted children explore topics they may be hesitant to broach with their parents and provide them with healthy coping mechanisms to process any heavy emotions.
2. There are so many different types of adoptions
When we are learning different bits about Simone Biles’ situation, it is pivotal that we remember that she had a kinship adoption where she was able to maintain connections with biological relatives and racial mirrors. There are various types of adoptions ranging from domestic, international, kinship, same-race to transracial. Which is why it’s essential to remember that no adoption story is the same, but loss is core in all adoptions.
When it comes to ideal outcomes in adoption, on paper, Biles has what many experts, including myself, recommend versus an international, transracial adoption. I’m a transracial adoptee, meaning I was adopted by a family of a different race and ethnicity.
Although family preservation was at the core of Biles’ placement with grandparents and prevented further loss of family, that does not mean that this type of adoption is perfect. Kinships can be painful and confusing for the adoptive parents and child as they navigate the loss of the biological parent. Which is yet another reason not to compare Biles’ situation to others and judge other adoptees (even famous ones like Colin Kaepernick) for feeling differently.
3. Reunion is complex and deeply personal
For many adoptees, reunion can be both an exciting prospect and a frustrating reality as we work through new relationship dynamics with a parent. I dealt with a lot of feelings of abandonment since I was placed in an orphanage immediately after birth. For others, reuniting with a birth parent could be extremely different. There is no right or wrong way to go about a reunion.
Unfortunately, in Simone Biles’ case, her biological mother has gone public with her struggles to connect with her daughter, and people are judging her mother very unabashedly in the comments. While it is completely understandable for the public to understand Biles’ hesitance, I wish more people considered the tricky situation she is in. Many adoptees still love their birth parents deeply despite the neglect or trauma they caused. That does not erase the harm but adds nuance to the situation that can make setting boundaries difficult when our hearts and minds say different things. The only person who gets to decide if a reunion is right or not is the adoptee.
4. Public social media comments can harm adoptees
Adoptees often struggle with guilt and may feel obligated to respond in a certain way to make their loved ones comfortable. In the United States, it is estimated that about 7 percent of the population has been adopted, so it is easy to see how many people can be affected by a callous comment that doesn’t consider the adoptee’s feelings.
When social media posts are public, and we see a family member or friend calling someone as successful and influential as Simone Biles ungrateful or insulting her biological mother, it can be really harmful and stressful. This can cause an adoptee to bottle up their feelings for fear of offending their adoptive family. It may cause additional guilt for decisions they made about their own situation. It’s no one’s place to criticize an adoptee or their family for their decisions, even famous ones like Simone Biles.
Melissa Guida-Richards, Contributing Writer
Melissa is an author, adoptee, and mom of two boys. She has authored two books, Bedtime, The Ultimate Battle and What White Parents Should Know About Transracial Adoption, and runs a podcast, Adoptee Thoughts, in her spare time.