"Many fellow millennials lament they were told they could be anything they wanted, then the “real world” told them otherwise. In a 2016 interview that went viral from ethnographer and workplace expert Simon Sinek, he said millennials were subjected to “failed parenting strategies” and “were told that they were special—all the time, they were told they can have anything they want in life.” My dad, however, took the opposite approach—more “let’s find out what you’re good at” than “you can be anything you want to be.” In today’s world of over-labeling every parenting style, my dad’s approach probably would’ve been described as “strength-based parenting.”
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What is strength-based parenting?
Research has shown strengths-based parenting (SBP)—helping a child lean into their natural skills—may help build confidence and increase resilience in kids. In fact, a recent article by Russel Shaw in The Atlantic noted that “decades of research have shown that a key to raising capable young people is… to recognize, cultivate, and build on their strengths” rather than primarily correcting weaknesses. But many parents tend to put more focus on the skills a child needs to strengthen versus celebrating what they’re already good at.
I saw this in myself at report card time this year. Instead of celebrating my kids’ A in art and science, I found myself focused on lower marks in math and Spanish, wondering what extra support my kid might need to get those up to As too. It’s a tough parenting pattern to break, but noticing and encouraging our children’s natural abilities can help them build resilience, confidence, and intrinsic motivation.
Australian Psychologist Lea Waters, who wrote the book on strength-based parenting, writes, “We mistakenly believe that the way to make our kids optimistic and resilient is to weed out all their weaknesses. Strength-based science shows the opposite is true. It tells us to turn the bulk of our attention to expanding their strengths rather than reducing their weaknesses.”
“We mistakenly believe that the way to make our kids optimistic and resilient is to weed out all their weaknesses. Strength-based science shows the opposite is true.”
Here, I’m explaining what the research says about strength-based parenting, how parents can recognize and support their children’s aptitudes, and why my dad might just have been onto something with his approach.
Interests versus natural aptitudes
Aptitudes are natural talents—a person’s special abilities for doing, or learning to do, certain kinds of things quickly and easily. Said another way, Dr. Robert Brooks, who is considered an expert in the field of raising resilient kids, called these strengths and skills ‘islands of competence.’ He believes every child has their own unique natural abilities, and it is the job of parents and educators to nurture those gifts. He wrote, “If we can find and reinforce these areas of strength, we can create a powerful ‘ripple effect’ in which children and adults may be more willing to venture forth and confront situations that have been problematic.” Knowing they’re good at one thing can build a child’s self-esteem and give them the confidence to push through other things that are more challenging.
“Knowing they’re good at one thing can build a child’s self-esteem and give them the confidence to push through other things that are more challenging.”
“Aptitudes are not changeable like interests can be,” says the Johnson O’Connor Foundation, a company that tests individuals for their natural aptitudes. “They’re innate abilities” and “are unrelated to what you know or have learned.”
For many of us, our interests evolve as we get exposure to new things, people, and experiences. When I look at my two kids, their interests have changed dramatically over the years. One went from being a Disney princess-obsessed kid to outright refusing to wear dresses of any sort. My interests have evolved, too. One year as a kid, I was an aspiring figure skater, thanks to Olympic medalist Kristi Yamaguchi and our backyard ice rink. The next year, I wanted to be a nurse like my best friend (even though blood made me faint).
In short: interests can change; aptitudes stick around.
How can parents use strength-based parenting strategies
How did my dad approach strengths-based parenting? First, he was observant and pointed out our natural abilities when he saw them. But here’s where he might have taken strength-based parenting to the extreme. If memory serves, he read an article about a company that was doing innovative aptitude testing and decided to take me—and each of my three brothers—to Chicago for all-day testing. If this sounds like a privileged experience, I fully acknowledge it was. But in the grand scheme of childrearing costs—for less than the price of one travel sports season—it was one of the most impactful money my parents spent on my future. The process helped me pinpoint my natural strengths—my aptitudes.
So, how to begin? You don’t need to go as far as my dad did (although, again, the aptitude testing really did change my life trajectory). Here are some ways to notice and encourage your children’s natural gifts:
Help them notice their strengths
Talk with your child about what they enjoy, what they’re good at, and when they feel most energized or proud. If they have a hard time pinpointing, try asking them this: Ask your child, “What’s something you did today that you feel good about?” or “What do your friends come to you for help with?”
Use language to reframe your child’s strengths
Frame your feedback and guidance around your child’s strengths. For example, instead of “Stop being so bossy,” try “You’re a natural leader—how can you include others in a way that makes them feel good and want to be part of what you’re doing?”
Focus on growth, not perfection
Encourage your child to use their strengths to overcome challenges, and praise their effort over the outcome. For example, instead of “You got an A; you’re so smart.” Try, “I’m really proud of how much time you put into studying. You really stuck with it, even when the problems got tricky!”
Spot strengths in everyday moments
Look for and name strengths in action—kindness, perseverance, humor, curiosity. Studies show that when parents “catch” kids using strengths, kids become more aware and confident in using them. For example, “That was really kind of you to include your little sister in your game. Your empathy is one of your superpowers—you know how to make people feel like they belong.”
Can you test for natural strengths?
My dad took me to the Johnson O’Connor Research Foundation’s all-day aptitude testing the summer before my senior year of high school. The goal was to give me some more focus and direction in college. The testing was way more than a strengths questionnaire. It included a variety of experiences that were more like puzzles or games, like using tweezers to move tiny objects or listening to musical tones. The testing aims to provide “objective data about how your mind likes to work and what careers might best match your combination of abilities.” Again, “These abilities aren’t related to what you’ve learned in school or your interests, which can change over time. Aptitudes are talents you’re born with.”
With Johnson O’Connor’s testing, “Each person’s unique combination of scores makes up their overall approach to work and is a strong predictor of which types of roles they’ll naturally thrive in.” My aptitudes at 17, for example, included idea generation and detailed observation. Both skills I use every day in my career in writing and media for The Everymom. It’s likely why I consider this my dream job after spending over a decade in another industry where I rarely got to tap into my aptitudes. It also helps that the content aligns so closely with my interests. Which is really what all of us are searching for—that space where interest and aptitude collide.
When is the best time to take an aptitude test for kids?
According to the Johnson O’Connor Research Foundation website, the youngest age they test is 14, which is when, according to the foundation, they stabilize and “remain relatively stable for the rest of a person’s life.” High school students make up a significant portion of the foundation’s clients.
Does a strength-based parenting approach actually work?
With a stay-at-home mom and my teachers as my female role models, I saw only that future for myself at the time (both honorable paths, for sure, but there was a whole world out there!). I also grew up in the ‘80s and ‘90s, when the media was just starting to shine a spotlight on successful women—think Diane Keaton in the ‘80s movie Baby Boom. Learning my aptitudes opened my eyes to career options where I’d naturally excel that I’d never even considered, like a police detective or a product developer. It also uncovered career paths I would struggle with, like architecture (which I’d considered), foreign language, and music. After learning my aptitudes, I still wanted to be a mom, but I could imagine a future with more options, in addition to motherhood.
When so much of parenting feels like improvising, I take heart that encouraging my kids’ strengths is never going to be a bad parenting play. And as my kids approach high school, a trip to Chicago for an all-day aptitude test might just be in our future.
Kathy Sisson, Senior Editor
Kathy Sisson has been a key contributor in the editorial parenting space for eight years, not only as a full-time editor at The Everymom but previously as a freelance writer for top parenting sites, including Scary Mommy, Motherly, Parent Co., and more. As an editor at The Everymom, she has produced hundreds of articles on a range of parenting topics, reviewed dozens of family-focused products, interviewed leading experts in the children and parenting world, and created viral parenting social media content. A mom of two, she is committed to sharing the honest, helpful, and often humorous stories of motherhood.