"The concept of the ‘sandwich generation’ is not new. The term was coined in 1981 by Dorothy Miller, a social worker, in reference to the unequal exchange of support and resources between generations. At the time, it was a phase experienced in middle age, reserved mostly for women because, well, we have to do everything. But today, Patty David, Vice President of Consumer Insights at AARP, defines it as “… those that are caregiving for both a younger loved one and an older loved one… It’s no longer really about the age. It’s about the state of, and what is happening in their world.”
With women choosing to have children later in life, this writer included, and people living longer, many of us have unwillingly found ourselves smack-dab in the middle of this not-so-tasty sandwich earlier in our lives. I was just 30 years old when my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease. Five years later, I only narrowly escaped the ‘geriatric pregnancy’ label when I had my daughter after turning 35, instead I earned entrance into ‘The Sandwich Generation’ club.
Yes, Sandwich Generation Stress is Real
So, let’s start with the tough stuff. Is it hard? Insanely so. My two favorite people in the world are both dependent, unable to be bathed, fed, or clothed without assistance. Sometimes, the parallels between my mother and my daughter border on cruel. And instead of being able to ask my mom to babysit, I’m there to look after her, attempting to relieve the burden of caregiving from my dad, if only for a few hours.
“My two favorite people in the world are both dependent, unable to be bathed, fed, or clothed without assistance.”
I can’t ask for my mom’s advice or muse about the similarities between my daughter and me when I was her age. Most unfortunate of all, my daughter was robbed of having my real mother—the whip-smart, fiercely independent, would bend-over-backwards-for-you-in-a-heartbeat version of herself that raised me—as a grandmother.
“My daughter was robbed of having my real mother—the whip-smart, fiercely independent, would bend-over-backwards-for-you-in-a-heartbeat version of herself that raised me—as a grandmother.”
Modern-day (self-appointed) Instagram gurus tout the value of self-care. Their carefully staged posts showcase pedicured toes peeking out from a bubble bath; a 500-page fantasy romance novel strategically placed beside a glass of organic Chianti. They urge their followers to take their #MeTime seriously. But for those of us who constantly feel like we’re never doing enough for those who need us most, it can feel impossible to put ourselves first when dealing with the Sandwich Generation stress. The idea of spending time luxuriating in a bath is even more unrealistic than a novel about faeries and wolves.
Choosing to See the Positives
I could fill my own 500-page book with all the reasons why being part of this uncreatively named Sandwich Generation is full of stress and, well, sucks. But my mother was an eternal optimist, as am I, so instead, I’ll share three things I’ve come to appreciate about being in this (ahem) club.
Faster, Deeper Friendships
Caring for a parent and a child can feel extremely lonely, even when you have the best support systems around you. But in reality, I’m not alone. According to Pew Research, more than half (54 percent) of Americans in their 40s are ‘sandwiched,’ as are more than a quarter (27 percent) of those in their 30s. For me, this shared experience has translated into deeper relationships with new friends.
After mentioning my mom’s diagnosis to a woman I met in a toddler class, she shared that her mother-in-law was recently diagnosed with dementia, her mother had brain cancer, and her father had died unexpectedly before her daughter was born. Another woman, a fellow mom from my daughter’s daycare, told me that her father is currently in the later stages of dementia. These conversations sound heavy, and to an extent, they are, but they also cut out a lot of the first-date, meaningless, so-what-do-you-do-for-a-living chatter. They jump right to more advanced levels of friendship and create deeper bonds based on compassion, understanding, and mutual support.
Patience and Empathy
Which leads to the next point—when you spend your time taking care of someone who used to take care of you, you develop a superhuman amount of patience. It also makes you extremely empathetic. Instead of assuming the worst about strangers, I wonder what they’re going through behind closed doors.
“When you spend your time taking care of someone who used to take care of you, you develop a superhuman amount of patience.”
When I was younger, my mother had to call the bank. She told me how horribly rude the associate had been to her, so much so that my mother eventually told the woman that she wouldn’t be spoken to that way and hung up the phone. Minutes later, she received a call back from that customer service agent, who apologized for the way she spoke to my mom. Holding back tears, the bank associate explained that her husband had just been diagnosed with cancer. We’re all dealing with something that others don’t see, so be kind.
Living for Today
And not to sound too soapboxy, but boy, does all this hard stuff really put life in perspective. So when someone cuts me off in traffic, or my toddler pours her juice box out all over the floor, I don’t get upset. (That’s a lie. I definitely do. I’m still human after all!) But in all seriousness, these challenges have made it easier to not sweat the small stuff, almost annoyingly so.
My husband often moans that if someone isn’t sick or dying, I don’t see a problem. And while I’m working on my empathy for him after a bad round on the golf course, I also remember that our life, much like a sandwich, is made up of many layers. Some layers are messy, some are cheesy, and others are downright difficult to chew. But in the end, it’s the combination of it all that makes it delicious.
Katie Cline
Katie Cline is mom, writer, traveler, and an award-winning public relations professional who has led global communications for world-renowned companies such as Starwood Hotels & Resorts, Marriott International, Michael Kors, and more, in both New York City and London. When she’s not busy planning her next trip, Katie can be found trying a new restaurant with her husband, Joe; schooling her British-born toddler, Nora, on the magnificence of New York bagels; or refilling the Prozac-prescription for her asthmatic rescue pup, Jack Daniels.