"Summer often means spending more time with your kidsâbetween family vacations, camps, and a looser schedule. This can be, of course, a good thing but also a challenging thing, and some parents may be counting down the days until school or regular childcare resumes. Chances are, youâve experienced emotions on both ends of the spectrum, likely changing on a daily (or hourly) basis.
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During the transition after summerâs time of extra togethernessâitâs not surprising that some may experience separation anxiety. (And weâre talking about both kids and parents.)
Separation anxiety may be heightened for babies born during the pandemic, but itâs also something many families encounter on a regular basis. Whether youâre worried about your kidâs separation anxiety, or your own, there are tactics that can make it easier. I spoke with Robyn Isman, a Boston area-based therapist specializing in anxiety and mom to two kids, to learn the best ways to prepare for and to cope with separation anxiety.
Before talking strategy, Isman shared how to recognize if your child is struggling with separation anxiety. Itâs normal for kids to be sad when a parent leaves, however, it may be a sign of separation anxiety if when you return, your child is not soothed by your presence. This may be displayed with crying, tantrums, or toy throwing.
These actions can indicate that they are developing a fear around separation. If you think your child may be experiencing separation anxiety, or youâd like to get ahead of it, here are some trusted tactics to try.
Encourage independent play
We love our children, but itâs important to foster their independence and itâs also important for us as parents to have some space. If your child is a baby or toddler, Isman recommends giving them opportunities for independent play. This allows children to entertain themselves, encourages creativity, teaches self-reliance, independence, and self-regulation skills. Plus, independent play gives parents a break from always being âon.â
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Take breaks from your kids
If youâre the primary caregiverâif you canâoccasionally step away from some of your mom jobs. If youâre always on bath duty and bedtime routine, have your partner take the lead every so often. You may feel sad to miss out on these special parts of the day, but itâs good for your own sanity, and it shows your children that itâs OK to have time with their other parent, not always mom.
If you have a nanny, babysitter, or a family member who helps out, allow them to take over other parts of the routine as well. Your child may push back, but itâs important for you to keep your distance. Isman explains that this will help your children develop skills to trust other adults, which will be important when entering into childcare.
Name and normalize their feelings
Feeling sad is OK, and itâs important to recognize and discuss these feelings. âFeelings come and go, and we donât have to be scared of them,â Isman said. As you take breaks from your child, you can say things like âItâs OK to miss me, and I will miss you too, but you can play with your dad (or babysitter), and that will be so fun.â Acknowledge and name whatever emotions are felt, like sadness, anger, and frustration. Normalize the feelings, allow them to feel them, and discuss ways to feel better.
Show them examples of parents leaving and returning
When children develop a fear of a parent leaving, it may be that they are afraid you wonât come back. For slightly older children, books, shows, and songs that depict parents leaving and coming back is an excellent way for your kids to understand time apart and know that you will return. Listen to and sing âGrown Ups Come Backâ from Daniel Tiger, or read Llama Llama Misses Mama and discuss the messages.
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Develop a goodbye routine
When it is time to leave, create a fun and engaging goodbye routine that you can practice with your child, like a hug, kiss, or high five. âI do hug-kiss-squeeze-squeeze-kiss-hug with my daughter and weâve been doing it for years,â Isman said. It can be simple, but itâs a special way to feel close before time spent apart.
For moms experiencing separation anxiety
Itâs going to be hard and also a little sad, especially when leaving your baby for the first time. Start small, like a short walk or run by yourself. Even just 10 minutes is a good place to begin and then grow on. Isman tells clients to practice feeling uncomfortable. This teaches that you can get through it. And not only does it show you that you are capable of being away from your children, it shows your child that itâs OK and they are in good hands.
And speaking of being in good hands, itâs important to leave your child with someone you trust, whether thatâs your partner, your parents, or your best friend. Donât rush it, make sure you feel comfortable with the situation and fully trust your child will be well taken care of.
Feeling emotional is to be expected. Just as you tell your kids itâs OK to feel their emotions, the same goes for you. Cry if you want to cry!
And finally, be kind to yourself and to your children. This is a big transition for both of you, and itâs important for both kids and adults to feel the discomfort and to work on gaining independence.
This article was originally published in 2020 and has been updated for timeliness.Â
