"Kids say the darndest things. Turns out they ask for the darndest things, too. That’s what Susie Allison, AKA “Busy Toddler,” on Instagram found a little over three years ago when her son asked to sleep in a cardboard appliance box one night.
“It was 2021 when my (then) 4-year-old was captivated by a large dryer box and asked if he could sleep in it,” Allison writes in her most recent viral post about the admittedly unusual request.
Allison, a mom of three who has a Masters degree in early childhood education and regularly posts parenting advice and tips, said yes to her son that day. He’s now on his fifth box, and she says she thinks it will be around for a while. She says the decision has brought so much joy and feelings of autonomy to her son.
“This was an EASY win for my son that didn’t impact us at all. Every night, he goes to sleep in a reminder that he has ownership over his life. I love that for him,” she writes.
Deciding when to say ‘yes’ to kids
How did she decide to say yes when her first gut reaction was to say no? Her framework for deciding whether an ask is something she feels comfortable with, whether it be something routine like what color plate her child wants to use or something unusual like sleeping in a box, is something she details in her post.
“[The ask to sleep in a box] wasn’t a dangerous request, it didn’t topple family systems or go against values, it wasn’t complex or expensive or time-consuming,” she says in her post, and so she said yes.
But should you say yes to requests like this from your kids? And what are the pros and cons of saying yes in situations like this?
We asked Courtney Morgan, therapist and founder at Counseling Unconditionally, and Kim Feeney, play therapist at Butterfly Beginnings Counseling, to weigh in on whether parents should consider saying yes to requests like this.
Courtney Morgan, LPCC
Courtney is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, Certified Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional, and Founder of Counseling Unconditionally. Courtney has eight years of experience in the mental health field ranging from inpatient care, foster care, school based services, and outpatient therapy. She works with children, teens, adults, and families.
Kim Feeney, Play Therapist, LISW, RPT-S
Kim brings a unique balance of experience, expertise, and training at Butterfly Beginnings, where she believes all behavior is purpose-driven. Kim works with parents and children to find alternative ways to meet social and behavioral needs.
Saying ‘yes’ has developmental benefits for kids
“I highly encourage parents to tell their children yes whenever possible, even if their requests are out of the ordinary,” says Morgan.
Kids don’t have much control over their day-to-day, she points out. They’re expected to follow certain rules and instructions while they’re at school and at home. Saying yes gives them a bit of freedom.
Allison agrees in one of her posts detailing her framework on when to say yes. “Being told ‘no’ all day to every idea you have about your life is exhausting. It makes us question our decision-making skills, our value, and our independence.”
Morgan agrees. “Always saying no to a child may cause long-term problems such as difficulty communicating their needs or opinions, having a strong external locus of control, and feeling stuck in different areas of their lives,” she says.
Beyond that, though, Morgan explains that saying yes to your child, when appropriate, has a whole host of other good developmental benefits, ranging from boosting their self-confidence and autonomy, creativity, and intuition.
Sweeney adds that “A child’s sense of self is significantly influenced by how their ideas and choices are received.” She shares that saying yes, when appropriate, is a great way to show that you value your child’s ideas and a way to help them develop their unique personality.
“Sometimes, the most joyful moments come from embracing the unexpected and saying ‘yes’ to something outside the norm,” Sweeney says.
“Sometimes, the most joyful moments come from embracing the unexpected and saying ‘yes’ to something outside the norm.”
Both Morgan and Sweeney also call out that saying yes can strengthen relationships between parents and children. “It conveys the message that you’re on their team,” Sweeney says.
You don’t need to say ‘yes’ to everything
Neither Morgan or Sweeney believe that a parent should say yes to everything, and Allison doesn’t advocate for that in her posts either. The key is using a framework, like Allison has, to understand whether it makes sense to say yes in a situation or not.
In addition to Allison’s framework, which includes assessing safety, whether it aligns with family values, and whether it can be accommodated within your budget and any time constraints, Sweeney recommends considering how developmentally appropriate the decision might be.
“What might be appropriate for a 4-year-old might not be suitable for a toddler,” she explains. Beyond that, Morgan adds that it’s important for parents to consider whether they intend to fulfill the ask, as it can damage their relationship with their child if they don’t.
If you run through some of the points above and determine that you can’t say yes, remember that no is a perfectly acceptable answer.
“It is really important that parents are equally as comfortable saying no to requests as they are saying yes,” stresses Morgan, noting, “It’s crucial that parents uphold boundaries and expectations.”
Try saying ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’
“How often do we say no when it could have been an easy yes??” Allison asks in her recent post.
It’s so true. I can think of multiple examples off of the top of my head where I was quick to say no when it didn’t matter.
Shortly after seeing Allison’s post, my daughter came down the stairs adamant about wearing floral leggings paired with a floral dress. She also had two different colored shoes that she wanted to wear. We were running late to a birthday party, and my first instinct was to run upstairs and pick out different clothes for her. The outfit was ridiculous, and admittedly, I was worried that the other moms at the party would judge me for letting her wear her mismatched outfit.
I could tell that my daughter was prepared for me to say no by the somewhat defiant and mischievous look on her face. Before saying anything, I paused and ran through Allison’s framework. Dangerous? No. Against our family values? No. Costly? No. Complicated? No. Any time commitment? No. It wasn’t anything that was going to impact me.
I said yes, and you know what? It saved us a tantrum, my daughter was happy, and none of the moms blinked an eye at the party. It was a good reminder to pause, consider, and to try to say yes more often.
Give the framework a try the next time your kid has a strange request or one you might normally say no to. In fact, Allison challenges parents to say ‘yes’ three times one day and to see what happens.
“Watch how it fills them up, and watch the positive impact it has on their day.”
Elliott Harrell, Contributing Writer
Elliott is a mom of two little girls and is based in Raleigh, NC. She spends her days running a sales team and doing laundry and her nights writing about the things that she loves. She’s passionate about all things motherhood and women’s health. When she’s not working, writing or parenting you can find her trying a new restaurant in town or working on her latest needlepoint project.