"A nightly bedtime ritual for my toddler entails reading a few bedtime stories—by both mom and dad—reviewing what we liked about our day, and finally, what I call my son’s ‘reflective hour.’ I’ve named the last portion of his bedtime routine his reflective hour because, for some reason, he comes up with the most interesting and insightful questions to ask us.
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On one particular night, when I was six months pregnant and into my third trimester with my second baby, my toddler decided to ask a question I wasn’t prepared to answer. “Mommy, where does the baby come out of?”
The room was pitch black, but my husband and I could see the whites in each other’s eyes widening. We both didn’t know how to respond to him. And the truth is, we didn’t. We panicked and shushed him to sleep. Once we reconvened outside my son’s room, my husband and I debriefed on what we should do. We wanted to be able to appropriately respond if the question came up again. The thing was, we still weren’t quite sure.
I reached out to an expert, Kelly Cox, a Certified Child Life Specialist and founder of Steady in Hope, on how to explain birth to your toddler and Karlie Cheatham, a pediatric nurse, doula, and birth assistant, on what to do with your toddler when you go into labor. Hopefully, you’ll be more prepared with your curious child than we were.
Kelly Cox, Certified Child Life Specialist
Kelly is a Certified Child Life Specialist and founder of Steady in Hope. Kelly provides child life services to families facing the challenges of illness, loss, trauma, and transitions. Her passion in life is to bring comfort and peace to those in need.
Karlie Cheatham, BSN, RN, pediatric nurse, doula, and birth assistant
Karlie is a pediatric nurse turned doula. She supports women emotionally and physically in one of the most intimate and important moments of their lives.
Understand your toddler’s developmental stage
I have to remind myself sometimes that the language I use between me and my toddler sounds different from when I’m talking to an adult. Taking into account where my toddler stands developmentally leads to a productive conversation.
While there are multiple theories out there on developmental stages, Cox says, “It’s important to remember toddlers have a limited capacity of understanding simple [concepts], and [being] concrete is key.”
How to discuss birth with your toddler
So, while I wondered if it was appropriate to go into a full explanation about the birthing process with my toddler—I didn’t—it’s also important to consider the timeframe of when conversations like this one start. Cox says with a toddler, she would “100 percent talk about the idea of a brother or sister coming as soon as you start showing.” As for the details? She says to “hold off on the conversations around birth unless the child is asking.”
For my 3-year-old who did repeatedly ask me ‘how’ a baby comes out, Cox advises to be honest and simply say, “The baby comes out through my vagina.” Luckily, I already had the body boundaries conversation, and my son knew the anatomically correct names for body parts. She adds, “Typically, if you provide an answer to their question—that is often sufficient for them.”
Once I had these conversations with my toddler, I also told grandparents how we phrased them to keep consistency. I didn’t want to confuse him more. Cox notes, “Consistency around language can be really helpful.” This is because “when kids this young get different answers to the same questions, it can cause more confusion.”
Prepare your toddler before and after childbirth
What should you focus on when it comes to the childbirth talk with your toddler? Giving a play-by-play of a vaginal or cesarean birth isn’t necessary. Although talking to your toddler about what to expect during the postpartum period is pertinent information.
For example, if you have any restrictions—like not being able to lift your toddler after birth—explain to them you’re not able to do that right now but will be able to soon. Cox suggests framing a statement for them like “I had a boo-boo on my belly and that boo-boo has to get better.”
It can be easy to discuss what you can’t do in the time being after childbirth, but point out the things you can do with your toddler instead. Activities like sitting and reading a book together or ‘helping’ hold the baby—with your physical support, of course—are a few things.
And talking to my son about how he was going to be a big brother was my favorite part. Books about welcoming a new sibling like You’re the Biggest and How to Be a Big Brother or How to Be a Big Sister are great stories to introduce the idea. In addition to celebrating our new baby, we also celebrated him becoming an older brother. We gave him a few gifts ‘from the baby’ when we introduced them to each other, too.
What to do with your toddler when you go into labor
Then there’s the factor of what to do with your toddler for when you actually go into labor. If you start the labor process and have trusted family or friends, consider making a plan for them to care for your toddler during this time. Not only should you pack your own hospital bag, but pack them their own overnight bag, too. Additionally, Cheatham and Cox shared some ways to prepare your toddler if you’re giving birth at home.
Through her experiences as a doula, Cheatham says that parents “know their kids best” when it comes to choosing if their child should be present during an at-home birth. Some parents prefer to keep their children around while they labor, but it won’t hurt to also have a backup plan for family or friends to step in to watch them if needed. Cheatham suggests if your child feels scared, “have someone take them out of the space.” However, she says a majority of moms decide to have family, a sitter, or friends watch them in the meantime. Then mom can “fully focus in and not worry about caring for another person.”
How to involve your toddler during an at-home birth
With her expertise, Cox provided a list of how to involve your toddler during an at-home birth. Plus, ways to allow them to make their own decisions.
- Prepare your child with details one to two days prior to birth if possible. Give them a choice on whether or not they want to be present while also reassuring them that it is OK to change their mind at any time.
- Discuss what your child will see, hear, touch, smell, and taste (hopefully taste nothing). Try to always consider all the senses when working to properly prepare them. Talk about the sounds of the alarms, monitors, and possible deep breathing you may be doing. Discuss that they may see blood, you in pain, and what the baby will look like right after birth.
- Assign an adult who your child is comfortable with. This person would be someone who can come in and out of the room as your child is showing signs of being uncomfortable—allowing your child to dictate their own presence.
- Consider offering your child to come for only the actual moment of birth. Being present for the entire labor is unrealistic for this age.
- It would be important for you and your partner to talk about plans prior to birth, as well as the scenario if you need to pivot from the original plan. Labor can be really unpredictable.
- Reassure your child that coming in after the birth is also a good option.
Welcoming a new addition to the family can be a transition for everyone. Navigating conversations like the concept of childbirth depends on the developmental age of your child. For a toddler—I now know to keep it simple. Even though I initially panicked at first, at least I’m prepared now. If you have a curious toddler like mine, I hope you feel prepared, too.
Patty Schepel, Editorial Intern
As the editorial intern, Patty works with The Everymom’s team on pitches, creating original articles, updating existing content, photo sourcing, writing shopping product descriptions, inputting freelance articles, and more. When she’s not working, you can find her spending time with her family, training for half marathons—she ran one 16 weeks pregnant—traveling, cooking, reading a rom-com, and keeping her sourdough starter, Rose, alive.