"One of the things I most looked forward to about raising multicultural children was celebrating holidays together. I love a ritual. I love marking the passing of time and pausing to notice the cyclical nature of the seasons. I love learning about other cultures. I love sharing my own. My husband and I have different backgrounds. Blending our cultures and finding our own way as a family is something I thought would come easily. Celebrating each of our cultures and holidays has been a lot more work than I anticipated. It has not always been easy, but it has brought us closer together.
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Christmas was an important celebration in my home. Even though my family was not particularly religious, we always marked the holiday with a tree and gifts. I moved a lot as a child. My family’s way of celebrating Christmas would change depending on where we were. Our version of the holiday would often adapt to include some of the local traditions. I remember going to see Sinterklaas arriving by horse in Holland, and putting my shoes out that night so he could leave me chocolate. In Puerto Rico, our holiday meal included arroz con gandules and pernil. In New Jersey, this was served alongside lasagna and antipasto brought by my Italian cousins. Celebrating Christmas was something I looked forward to each year, and something I’ve always known I want to share with my children.
Meanwhile, my husband grew up celebrating Hanukkah. He remembers parties at his parents’ house with dear friends and their children. Frying latkes, lighting candles, and gifts were all part of their holiday traditions. He doesn’t look forward to the holiday with as much anticipation as I do to Christmas, but he also imagined we would celebrate it with our children. On Christmas he and his family would go out for Chinese food and catch a movie. He imagined doing this with our children as well.
I am used to adapting traditions, to holding onto my culture while bridging it with another. When I married my husband, I assumed that celebrating holidays would be as simple as just carrying out each tradition as we had in our childhood homes. In the winter, we would celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah. After all, I had friends growing up who did just that. What I did not count on was the many emotions celebrating each other’s holidays would bring up.
Learning what our holidays meant to each other
The first time I celebrated Hanukkah I was 24, giddy, and newly in love. Singing the prayers with my then-boyfriend promised the thrill of getting to know another part of him. I practiced the words silently on the subway platform, speaking them out loud when the train screeched in and drowned out my voice. The first night of the holiday I brought over playdough and birthday candles. He wasn’t planning on celebrating, but we made a makeshift menorah and sang together in the tiny bedroom at the back of our railroad apartment. I didn’t know what the words meant. It wasn’t until I heard the translation some time later that the words took on meaning and began to feel awkward in my mouth. They did not really belong to me.
As eager as I was to embrace my husband’s holiday traditions, he was equally ambivalent about participating in mine. Christmas in particular brought up hurt feelings from his childhood. I celebrated Hanukkah with him from the time we started dating. We did not celebrate Christmas together until I was pregnant with our first baby eight years later.
In order to feel comfortable celebrating each other’s holidays we had to learn about what the holidays meant for each of us. It was easy to get caught up in the logistics of planning each celebration, but what really made a difference was taking the time to understand the feelings they brought up. This allowed us to protect what is important to each of us about our holidays. In our case, it is spending time with family and a handful of traditions we hold fondly. Now we plan ahead to make sure we can celebrate with our parents and siblings, and make sure we make latkes and decorate our tree together.
Establishing our own traditions for Christmas and Hanukkah
Once we understood what was getting in the way of each of us fully embracing the other’s holiday, we created new traditions to help bridge the gap. My husband grew up feeling excluded from Christmas. Over time we have found ways for him to participate so he can feel included in our celebration. Now we choose an ornament together each year. Our family, including him, is represented on our tree. As for me, I have found my own meaning in the Hanukkah prayers so I can say them with integrity. Making art with my girls is one of my favorite pastimes, so we always make something for the holiday as well. It allows me to bring a part of myself into how we celebrate. Last year we made a menorah for their grandparents. This year we will roll our own candles.
Reflecting and continued conversation
As the years go by and we get to celebrate each holiday together with our children, my husband and I make sure to check in about how our celebrations feel now. When each of us feels listened to and respected, we are more flexible with each other. We talk about what went well and make plans to hold onto these things. We also talk about what felt hard or uncomfortable and why. Sometimes this means making changes, and other times it is enough to talk it over. These conversations are crucial for staying connected while we build new memories and traditions.
Raising multicultural children is wonderfully enriching. It is also hard work. Blending our traditions, and holidays in particular, can bring up many emotions. By working through them we are learning so much about each other. Several holiday seasons into parenting, we have found our own ways to celebrate that feel joyful and true to who we are. The best part for me is watching my daughters get to know and anticipate our celebrations. They are already talking about Christmas and Hanukkah and the fun we will have.
