"During my wife’s first pregnancy, I walked into our bedroom and found her crying. Full tears rolled down her face as she petted our dog, a boxer. Her other hand rested on top of her very pregnant belly. She was seven months along and was ready to be done. Naturally, I was very concerned that we had gotten bad news.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“The dog looks sad,” she said and then broke down again.
These types of scenarios would become common throughout all three pregnancies over the next six years. In this instance, I was able to reassure my wife that the dog was very happy and just had a naturally droopy face. On other occasions, things didn’t go so well. Like the time I accidentally got her an iced tea instead of water, and she took that to mean that I didn’t care about our future child. I’m sure other dads or soon-to-be fathers can relate.
New emotions during pregnancy aren’t only felt by our partners
The constantly shifting hormones, discomfort and pain (thank you, sciatica pain and restless legs), and self-doubt are just a few of the things that our pregnant partners are going through. So, what do dads have to complain about during pregnancy?
A lot, but here’s the rub—we aren’t allowed to say anything about it. But that doesn’t invalidate our frustrations and doubts as we try to be the best partners that we can be. It’s completely valid that both partners can be struggling to deal with all the changes. And as fathers, we do our best to not add any more to our overstressed partners. In so doing, we often forget about ourselves or go into a classic stoic mode where all the feelings are repressed until we start to wonder if the dog is, in fact, sad.
“It’s completely valid that both partners can be struggling to deal with all the changes. And as fathers, we do our best to not add any more to our overstressed partners. In so doing, we often forget about ourselves or go into classic stoic mode…”
New fathers ask me all the time what to do when they start to lose themselves during those nine months. Every action seems to make things worse; many are led to believe that our feelings are invalid and that we have no right to our struggle. It doesn’t have to be that way, even though we are reluctant to talk about it. There is a way to support fathers and to hear them through the tough points of pregnancy.
Tips for dads struggling during pregnancy
Create Your Community
Find other fathers who have been through this. In late-night conversations, you can get the support you need without judgment. We know, we’ve been there, and sometimes that’s enough to help you be heard. Male loneliness is a thing, and even as fathers, we can feel its sting. Find online groups such as Fathering Together, join a hobby group where you can connect with other fathers, or subscribe to The Everydad newsletter.
Don’t Take it Personally
Sometimes, and I say this with the most love in my heart, our pregnant wives can act unreasonable. They can sound mean and can break our hearts. When my wife was pregnant with our third kid, we were going to find out the baby’s gender at the doctor. We were 100 percent in complete agreement. But at the appointment, when the ultrasound tech asked us if we wanted to know, my wife changed her mind. I was crushed as I really wanted to know. It was something that helped me keep my head in a healthy place. This one hurt, and I had to let it hurt.
What helped was when I realized that I was not asking for blame or forgiveness, just a realization that I shouldn’t take her quick-changing mind during pregnancy personally. It’s OK if she seems to act unreasonable at times, and it’s OK if I feel frustrated and confused.
Pay Attention to Her Pain Points
Hands down, scheduling my wife prenatal massages was one of the best things I have ever done. My wife’s sciatica during pregnancy was hard for her to deal with. Getting her a massage once a month (and more often in the third trimester) left her feeling refreshed, cared for… and in a good mood.
If prenatal massage wouldn’t be a fit for your pregnant partner, pay attention to what’s physically bothering her the most about pregnancy and see if you can find another way to help. Which also leads me to my next tip.
Try the Rule of 3
During our last pregnancy, I asked my wife three things that she wanted done that day by the children and me. We felt like we were walking on eggshells at times. As the primary caregiver to all my kids, I did all the cooking, cleaning, running around, coaching all the sports, etc. But it seemed I always missed something. So, I asked her what three things were bothering her that day, and then I fixed them. These acts of service let her know that she mattered to us and that it was something she didn’t have to worry about. It made a world of difference in our house.
Put Yourself in Timeout
It’s OK to realize when you’re getting overwhelmed, and it can be hard to control some of those feelings. When that happens, it’s completely appropriate to walk away for 30 minutes and just exist. Caregivers fail so often at this, and yes, dads are caregivers. Take a drive, a walk, or just get away for a short amount of time. Even after the birth of all three of my kids, my wife and I still do this. We each take 30 minutes a day to spend time alone and have for years. It’s not much, and sometimes we need more, but it is super helpful to be able to walk away without judgment, whether one of us is pregnant or not.
Shannon Carpenter, Contributing Writer
Shannon Carpenter has been a stay-at-home dad since 2008. He is also a humor writer trained through the famous Second City and author of The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad. Shannon’s writing has appeared on CNN, The Atlantic, NPR, Fatherly, and he has shared his experiences with Forbes, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, CNBC, Slate Magazine, and The New York Times, as well as his local NBC and FOX stations. Whether writing social satire or parenting essays, he is always able to find your funny bone and leave you with a lasting impression.