"There are a lot of benefits when dads are involved in schools. Higher scores in math and reading, better self-control, and increased confidence are just a few of the perks our kids receive when fathers are engaged. However, it’s also no secret that many fathers find it difficult to become involved in the school environment. Some of this is on us as mothers have taken the majority of the mental load for generations. That’s not this generation of fathers, though, but it’s still tough to be accepted into that culture.
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Once, I called my daughter in sick for school. Ten minutes later, they called my wife to confirm as if I was playing a prank on them. I was standing right there. Ouch.
There can be a bit of pushback for fathers becoming involved in schools or, in the case above, a lack of trust for engaged fathers. Men are not seen as nurturing and are often portrayed as inefficient caregivers. As a stay-at-home dad for the last 16 years, I know first-hand how exhausting it can be to fight against these incorrect stereotypes. Tell me, what is more healing on a daily basis than a big dad hug where a child feels safe against the world? Caring for our kids isn’t gender-based, but unfortunately, it’s often seen that way.
I have three kids, and I just dropped my oldest off for her first year of college. And with a few noted exceptions, I learned how to navigate the school system and become involved there with my kids. Not only is it beneficial to my children to have me present, but there is a real benefit to the other students as well. They see fathers not as standoffish stoics or comedic relief as they are portrayed on TV. Instead, they get a chance to see fathers as caregivers and nurturers, a side of us that is mostly hidden but just as important.
The trick is figuring out how to give that to our kids when the culture may not quite be ready yet. Fellow dads, here’s what I’ve learned about getting involved at school.
1. Make friends with the school secretary
I hate to say it this way, but as a dad, many of us feel that we have to be vetted first, even if we are the primary contact on our child’s paperwork. The school secretary is the gatekeeper, especially in elementary school. Talk to this person, crack a joke or two, and be friendly. Make an impression, and they’ll tell the others. At our elementary school, Donna always greeted me with a smile and has made my life easier in the 12 years I’ve known her. She just retired, though, and I’m a little miffed I didn’t get an invite to the party.
2. Be assertive at meet your teacher nights
Make it a point when you meet your child’s teacher to ask what else she needs in the classroom. Many have Amazon Wishlists and will gladly take any help you can give. Let them know that you are 100 percent their partner in your child’s education. When they know that they can count on you, you’ll get those emails first. Respond quickly to their inquiries or when they ask for volunteers.
3. Check for dad-focused programs
Watch D.O.G.S. (Dads of Great Students) is a great example of a program built to get more dads involved at school. This program focuses on getting dads to school for short volunteer times. They help in the classroom, watch the hallways, play with kids at recess, and do a million other tasks. There are often similar programs because teachers and administrators know that a dad’s involvement can make a difference.
4. Volunteer for the unexpected
The school year can get hectic, and even the most planned events can go haywire. When that happens, step in to be the solution. This has been the best way I have found to break down barriers. For example, at the school carnival, I would volunteer and would be immediately assigned to the bounce house. Sure, I get it. However, when the face painting station mom got sick, I quickly took that over. The PTA organizer asked if I was sure, and I said not to worry about it. Every kid ended up looking like a Picasso, but the kids had a blast, and by the middle of the event, I had a huge line. I solved a problem for the PTA and school.
Opportunities pop up in the classroom, too. If you notice the class parents are always sending multiple emails for volunteers to staff the class party craft station or bring the teachers lunch, step up and sign up. There is no shortage of volunteer opportunities to get involved with your kids’ school.
5. Shine on the field trips
As the kids got older, becoming a chaperone was an unexpected joy for me. Not only did I help the school, but I got to see my daughter in a different environment. I met her friends, and they got to see me as a trusted adult. Plus, I got to use all those dad jokes I had been stockpiling for years.
6. Attend school board meetings, respectfully
School board meetings can turn into a microcosm of American politics, and sometimes that can get nasty. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be informed. No matter which end of the political spectrum you may fall on, attend with respect and with the idea that all great conversations begin with active and curious listening. Be the example not only for our kids but for our community as well.
Shannon Carpenter, Contributing Writer
Shannon Carpenter has been a stay-at-home dad since 2008. He is also a humor writer trained through the famous Second City and author of The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad. Shannon’s writing has appeared on CNN, The Atlantic, NPR, Fatherly, and he has shared his experiences with Forbes, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, CNBC, Slate Magazine, and The New York Times, as well as his local NBC and FOX stations. Whether writing social satire or parenting essays, he is always able to find your funny bone and leave you with a lasting impression.