Before my husband and I got engaged, we had the conversation I believe every couple ought to have before committing to a life together: The finances talk. Luckily, we were on the same page. Once we were married, our finances would be ours. We’d have equal access to that money, equal decision-making powers around that money, and equal footing within our relationship. This was especially important because I knew I’d like to be a stay-at-home mom, at least for a little while, after we had children.
To be fair, I was at a bit of an advantage here. As a journalist in the parenting space (yes, even before I had my own kids!), I was aware that for many stay-at-home parents, the marital dynamic looks very different from the one I wanted in my own home. Through my work (and, in some instances, my social life), I encountered stay-at-home moms who felt disrespected, denied full access to money… or like their lack of income was constantly held over their heads.
That’s why I wasn’t surprised when I came across a viral TikTok video featuring a mom asking a question: “Is it normal in a marriage for the stay-at-home mom to have to ask for money?”
My take? No. It’s normal… but it’s also not uncommon.
Was it financial abuse?
Many commenters took a firm stance against this. “It is a form of domestic abuse. Financial abuse is domestic abuse,” one wrote.
Another added: “No babe : once you get married you become 1: it becomes our money ; our bills , our house , our everything,” to which another user comments: “This statement is true, and not just in a women supporting women sort of way. ITS THE LAW. LEGALLY, EVERYTHING THAT IS HIS IS EQUALLY YOURS. IF HES WITHHOLDING FINANCES ITS FINANCIAL ABUSE.”
And I agree. Every couple does finances differently, and that’s OK. But as a journalist who has covered the family dynamics around stay-at-home parenthood and has been a stay-at-home mom myself, I would highly recommend adopting the “what’s-mine-is-yours” mentality around finances.
The mentality piece of this is key because what I’ve learned about so many stay-at-home parents is that even if there’s equal access to the finances—even if their name is on every bank account, and there’s a credit card in their wallet—there isn’t equal ownership over that money.
Editor’s Note: If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, call or visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233).
Common family finance issues when one parent stays home
Maybe the stay-at-home parent will feel as though they can’t make purchases without their partner’s approval. Or they’ll feel guilty about buying anything for themself because they’re “not making any money.” Maybe they’ll be questioned regularly about their spending habits. Or maybe, as this video suggests, they’ll feel the need to ask for money for every little thing.
And that’s where the issue arises. Romantic partnerships like marriages should be built on a foundation of equality. You are partners, and remembering that you are playing equal roles and are in this thing called life together is such a crucial piece of being happy and romantically healthy as a parent who forfeits their income.
This imbalance more often affects moms
Let’s be real about one thing: This is commentary on stay-at-home parenthood, but it’s far more likely to affect moms, who more frequently lose income after becoming parents. On top of that, financial dominance is often something used to control women. Chalk it all up to—all together now! The patriarchy.
Society devalues domestic labor and caregiving
Speaking of the patriarchy, the devaluation of domestic labor and childcare runs deep in our society, and that affects stay-at-home parents both in and out of their homes. Many feel that because they “aren’t working” (spoiler alert: They very much are), they aren’t entitled to equal partnerships. Often they don’t feel like it’s fair to expect their partners to perform childcare or domestic labor because they “pay all the bills.”
A stay-at-home mom I know recently lamented that her husband is “always on her case” about how much she spends on groceries for their family of five. “I work so hard to find great deals, and he just has no idea how much food costs right now.” It’s worth noting that the husband in this equation brings in multiple six figures.
And listen: Groceries are expensive, and if you’re not the one doing that domestic labor, you may have no idea how steeply prices have increased. But the issue at hand, for me, is that it felt like her husband didn’t trust her decision-making abilities around money and had created a dynamic in which she felt like she had to explain her spending.
All mothers work
Of course, this isn’t the only time I’ve seen evidence to suggest that stay-at-home parents struggle with varying degrees of financial mistreatment. And while they may not all be as definitive as this viral video, imbalances around the ownership of money are common in households in which there is a clear primary earner. I’ve heard of stay-at-home moms who have “allowances,” for example (hello, infantilization!).
In our post-pandemic cultural landscape, we put ideas about the value of domestic labor and childcare in place. We explored complex, important, long-ignored conversations about the fact that being home with children all day, managing a household, holding the mental load of a whole family—all that is work. And by virtue, all mothers are working mothers.
Troubling TikTok trends about ‘provider men’
Now, on TikTok in particular, we’re moving in a different direction. Stay-at-home mom creators will talk about their “provider men.” They’ll boast that their husbands “pay all the bills.” Or film themselves lounging at the pool “on a random Thursday” and chalk it up to the fact that they “didn’t marry a loser” (yikes). They’ll post videos saying things like, “He pays for everything; of course I’m going to make him a sandwich.” Around Father’s Day, many stay-at-home moms embraced this social media trend. And yeah, it’s a joke… But the deeper implications are serious… and seriously unfunny.
What this messaging does, at least as I see it, is deepen the idea that stay-at-home parents are living off of someone else. That it’s their money instead of our money. When we talk about “spending my husband’s money” or “having his credit card” or “marrying a provider man,” we undo so much of that progress we’ve made in the conversation around unpaid labor. And the danger of that doesn’t just lie in the cultural rhetoric, but in the way stay-at-home mom parents are treated within their own homes and families.
Final thoughts
I was glad to see so many people push back on the idea that a stay-at-home parent should not have to ask for money. But I also know that this is a much bigger conversation. And it’s one that needs to start before it becomes someone’s reality.
Every couple has to figure out how to create dynamics that work within their families. But if you’re going to become a stay-at-home parent, I don’t think you can afford to do it without having frank conversations about finances and power and equality and how those factors will come together within your family.
“There’s an inherent financial vulnerability associated with being a stay-at-home parent, and no one deserves to be in a partnership that denies them basic financial dignity.“
For me and my husband, that means that every single dollar in our bank account belongs to us equally. We are each playing equally valuable roles in our household, after all. That’s an approach I’d strongly recommend to anyone looking to become a stay-at-home parent.
And if that doesn’t feel right to you (or frankly, even if it does), it might be a good idea to chat with a marriage therapist or financial advisor to set a healthy foundation. Because the truth of the matter is this: There’s an inherent financial vulnerability associated with being a stay-at-home parent, and no one deserves to be in a partnership that denies them basic financial dignity.
You should not have to ask your partner for money, or defend every dollar you spend, or operate as though you owe something just because they “pay the bills.” You deserve equal access to money… and (this is just as important!) equal ownership and decision-making power around it.
Zara Hanawalt, Contributing Writer
Zara is a twin mom and freelance journalist with over a decade of experience covering parenting, women’s health, and culture. In addition to The Everymom, she’s written for outlets like Vogue, Marie Claire, Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Parents, Shape, Motherly, The New York Times for Kids, What to Expect, and many others. In her spare time, she enjoys reading, cooking, travel, watching TV, and trying new restaurants.
