I’d planned to wait until I was older to have children, so when my then-husband and I got pregnant by surprise at 23, I only knew one person close to my age with a child. Though I had dear friends, we were all busy trying to navigate post-grad life. I knew that they wouldn’t be able to relate to my life as a new mom. These facts had me wondering how I’d be able to build the village I always dreamed of—one as strong and consistent as my mom had when I was a kid.
It wasn’t always easy. I became a mom during the pandemic, which made it nearly impossible to meet other parents for a while, isolating me even more than I was before. But six years later, I’m quite proud of the little community I’ve built. This is how I created a village of support, even with other parents twice my age.
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I made the first move
As humans, it’s only natural that we gravitate toward the people most similar to us. I understood why, when I was very obviously the youngest in the room, no one would go out of their way to have a meaningful conversation. There was no judgment—I just knew I’d have to be the first to reach out and try to dig deep. If a conversation seemed promising, I’d ask to swap numbers or suggest we meet for coffee. Prior to becoming a mom, I was scared of rejection and usually waited for someone else to decide they wanted to be friends. After? I realized that I have nothing to lose when trying to meet other parents, and rejection is rarely personal.
I didn’t mention my age
Other people could always tell by my “baby face” that I was young. I didn’t go out of my way to hide it—but I also didn’t go out of my way to confirm it either. Whether we were talking about pop culture or high school, our ages would always come up eventually, but I didn’t want it to be a defining trait. Typically, I’d say something short about it and move on. If they reacted to finding out my age, I’d respond with a joke, like, “I know, I’m an actual fetus.” In general, the less of a big deal I made it, the less of a big deal they made it.
I found common ground
Though the number one thing you have in common is your kids, it’s not the only thing. Whenever I was talking to someone new, I’d quickly try to identify a piece of clothing they were wearing or a restaurant they loved that I was a fan of, too. If nothing else, I could fall back on topics like activity recommendations for my daughter or meals for picky eaters, but I really wanted to learn more about them. Being interested inherently makes you more interesting, so they’d end up learning more about me, too.
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I got involved
Though I sometimes wish this weren’t the case, you won’t make friends sitting inside your house. It didn’t come naturally to me as an introvert and new mom, but I knew I had to get out and get involved. And perhaps because I’d been home with my daughter during the pandemic, I was more motivated to get out there and make new connections. It wasn’t always possible, but when I could, I’d be the first one to volunteer for any opportunity at preschool and hang around after pickup to chat with other parents.
I scheduled playdates
When your child starts to click with someone, you, of course, want to encourage that relationship. Once we could safely have playdates, any opportunity to get one on the books was exciting for both me and my daughter. Scheduling playdates gave me a couple of hours with another parent or two where conversation was inevitable. Sometimes these conversations were just awkward, and that was fine, but other times they left me feeling reenergized and hopeful.
I knew when to call it
There are a million reasons why someone may not want to be friends with me. The last thing I wanted to do was end up annoying them and prove any stereotype about young parents right. I pride myself on being a fairly intuitive person and paid attention to their responses and body language (in a non-creepy way, I promise!) so I’d know if/when to bow out of the situation gracefully. I care deeply about my friendships, but the disinterest of a single person really isn’t that serious.
Six years into parenthood, I may still be the youngest in my village, but I can tell you with confidence that it’s exactly what I’ve always wanted and needed.
Quincy Bulin, Contributing Writer
Quincy is a mom and freelance writer based in Austin, Texas, balancing her time between journalism, marketing, and ghostwriting. In addition to The Everymom she’s written for publications such as The Everygirl, Better Homes & Gardens, Southern Living, Apartment Therapy, and Parents.
