From how to recover postpartum to finding the best swaddle, it’s helpful to get seasoned mom advice when gearing up to have a baby. One term that isn’t new but is making a buzz in the mom world is the term “village.” Over the years, it seems like having a village—a community of moms or family and friends—to surround yourself with is the key to surviving and thriving as a mother. “Have a village.” “Get a village.” “You need a village,” people will say, but how? If you’re wondering how to build a village, two moms have recently highlighted an integral step to get the parenting village that everyone talks about.

Rachel Lovely (@rachellovely5), an expecting mom and Kelsey Pomeroy (@kelsewhatelse), a mom of two, recently posted on TikTok to discuss the very first step you should take to build your own village. With almost three million views and over 5,000 comments between the two, moms are taking note of what they need to do to make the village happen. Read on for these tips on how to build a parenting village, and find out if it is worth it or not.

In this article
1 The Village Explained
2 The First Step on How to Build Your Village
3 How to Be a Villager
4 Is Building Your Village Worth It?
5 The Village Has Certain Seasonalities
6 Final Thoughts on How to Build Your Village

The Village Explained

The mental load of a mom can be a taxing thing to bear the weight of in parenting. One thing to lighten the load is by having a village or a community that will step up in every aspect of life. It can be something as simple as calling a friend for a cup of sugar when you run out or having family pick the kids up from school when you can’t. It sounds wonderful and a dream for some. However, Lovely points out a quote she once heard: “Everyone wants to have a village, but no one wants to be a villager.”

@rachellovely5

“Everyone wants to have a village but no one wants to be a villager” đŸ€ #advice

♬ original sound – Rachel Lovely

The First Step on How to Build Your Village

The first step to being part of a village, according to Lovely and Pomeroy, is that it starts with you. After all, how can a village exist without any villagers? Lovely says that the first step in creating an effective village “is recognizing that you need other people.” TikTok user @mcmeg5 agrees and commented, “Shifting my thinking from, ‘I can do it myself’ to ‘I don’t have to do it myself’ changed my life.”

How to Be a Villager

Pomeroy emphasizes, “You got to go where the townspeople are, and then you need to start building your village brick by brick with intention.” That means not canceling on your friends unless you have to. Showing up is important and it is a “foundational brick in your village,” Pomeroy adds.

@kelsewhatelse

Somebody has first to lay the first brick of a village. Building community is not passive, It’s intentional. It’s active. And the more you do it, the easier it gets. Fostering community. Making friends. Talking to strangers. These are skills that you can build. The more you practice- It gets easier the more you do it. 1. Villages and community aren’t going to spontaneously appear in your living room. Sometimes we get into our head thinking that friendship is like a rom-com, meet- Cute. You just go about your life until you bump into your person. This isn’t how adult friendships work. You have to go where the people are. You have to go interact with strangers again and again until they’re not strangers anymore. 2. When someone invites you into THEIR village, You need to make every effort to show up. (If you’re wanting to be a part of that Community) don’t think that it’s only your loss when you don’t show up to things. It’s their loss too. When you cancel on your plans, you’re removing a brick instead of placing one. And don’t panic if you have to cancel. Just be intentional about planning the next event. 3. Good villages have commerce and trade. That means you have to give help without being asked And it also means that you have to request help of your people. 4. I know that we’re tired. I know that we’re already exhausted and touched out. But building a village and a community is a lot like exercising (I’m guessing because I’m not very good at exercising- working on it) . If it’s a priority, you have to make time. It’s hard to make time. It’s hard to have the bandwidth. It’s scary to put yourself out there and face rejection but it’s not going to happen unless you put in the work. Your village can’t be built if you’re not willing to be a villager. . . . #howtomakefriends #makingmomfriends

♬ original sound – KelseWhatElse

Villagers Don’t Keep Score

Lovely instructs that you can’t start keeping score because that’s not how a village properly runs. She states that the “pitfall” in creating a village is being willing to be the giver but never the taker. It is not a “tit for tat” situation, Lovely explains. As a villager, you do things for others because you genuinely care and it makes life easier.

A recent reddit thread on the topic also has people chiming in on why it’s vital to not keep score in a village. Reddit user @firsttimehomeownerz posted a thread stating that, even with support, there is still an overwhelming feeling and added, “Being part of a village isn’t just about receiving help; it’s also about giving it out.” Another reddit user, @mccrackened, commented, “A village means giving and taking” and “if you’re getting the short end of the stick or being taken advantage of, that’s not the point or purpose of the village.”

You Have to Let Go of Your Ego

Lovely profoundly says, “There is like a certain sense of ego and pride people have that disallows them from creating that community
 because you don’t have the courage to sit humbly at the feet of the village” and say, “I need help. I need assistance.” Like TikTok user @yogawithkassandra, who commented, “I struggle with this, I always say no because I don’t want to feel needy or like a burden.” I sat with this statement for a moment. According to Pomeroy, being vulnerable to accepting help opens the door for others to ask you for help too.

“Being vulnerable to accepting help opens the door for others to ask you for help too.”

Is Building Your Village Worth It?

Now that we’ve covered how to be a villager, if you’re an introvert, this may sound a little exhausting and time-consuming. So, is it worth it? Lovely explains that her own mom has been the greatest example of how to be a villager in order to have a strong and thriving community. She mentions how her mom is always doing things within her village, like picking her friends’ daughters up from the airport and picking necessities up for friends when she is running errands.

To Lovely, having a village is worth it because the support extends beyond yourself. Lovely shares the story of how her mom’s village—consisting of women she has never met—recently threw a baby shower for her because “they love her, and they want to support her, and they want to support me.” TikTok users are also backing the concept, like @Audball, who commented, “Villages make life worth living,” and @jjontiktok9, who said, “This is how we’re supposed to live.”

The Village Has Certain Seasonalities

Reddit user, @Majestic_Waltz_6504 called attention to the fact that “there’s some expected seasonality to the village. When you have small kids or are elderly you take more than you give. In other phases of life, you give more than you take.” A case for building your village at any age.

It can be easy to picture parents with young kids who need a village the most. Especially single parents and those caught in the sandwich generation who may have the extra load of caring for their children as well as their elderly parents, taking away a key part of their village—grandparent help.

Final Thoughts on How to Build Your Village

I’ll acknowledge that building a village takes work. TikTok user @scoops suggests, “For those who tend to isolate: it’s okay to rest, but don’t pull away. Your village won’t judge you, your village wants to see and hear and love you.” It is amazing to think that as moms, we are given the advice to have a village. Yet, I personally can’t recall if anyone has ever told me how to build a village. I love that people like Pomeroy and Lovely are shedding some light on how to do this. Like Tiktok user @anniebanannie270 says, “This is hopecore.”

patty schepel the everymom editorial intern
ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Patty Schepel, Editorial Assistant

As the editorial assistant, Patty works with The Everymom’s team on pitches, creating original articles, updating existing content, photo sourcing, writing shopping product descriptions, inputting freelance articles, and more. When she’s not working, you can find her spending time with her family, training for half marathons—she ran one 16 weeks pregnant—traveling, cooking, reading a rom-com, and keeping her sourdough starter, Rose, alive.

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