"Like a lot of women, I’ve carried the reproductive burden of birth control for the duration of my relationships and now marriage. For over 15 years, the primary responsibility for preventing any unwanted pregnancies has fallen to me. That’s meant taking the pill religiously every day when I’ve been on it and enduring two painful IUD insertions (which my doctor said would hurt less the second time, which was decidedly not my experience).
"I genuinely appreciate a product that almost makes you forget what the issue was in the first place."
I also endured two pregnancies, birthed our children, and have dealt with all of the changes that happen to your body during and after giving birth. So when I was at my six-week check-up after having our second baby and my doctor asked me about birth control, I said that I was done and that it was my husband’s time to take responsibility for the matter. The problem? My husband doesn’t want to get a vasectomy right now, which has left us in a bit of a stand-off.
Is it a red flag if your husband won’t get a vasectomy?
In an Instagram reel earlier this year that’s now amassed close to 3.5 million views, content creator Erin Monroe “answers” a question about what a woman should do if their husband doesn’t want to get a vasectomy. The comments are bold, suggesting that husbands who don’t willingly jump up to get the procedure signal grounds for divorce and that any husband who respects his wife will get one.
I disagree. While I would love for him to go ahead and get a vasectomy, I also know it’s a big decision. I’m staying firm on my stance not to go back on birth control, which has meant condoms for our relationship, but I’m also trying to help him work through the hesitations he has around getting a vasectomy.
What to consider when discussing a vasectomy
Here are the main points I’m making to help him feel more at ease about getting the procedure while also feeling confident that his current stance on not getting a vasectomy isn’t a red flag for our relationship.
A vasectomy can be reversed if you decide you want more kids
I am certain that my husband and I are done having kids. We have two beautiful little girls, and I think our family feels complete. My husband? He thinks we’re done… most of the time.
One reason my husband won’t get a vasectomy is because there’s a part of him that would like to try for just one more. He half-jokes that he wants to try for a boy because he’s worried about his family name dying out, but I think the root of him wanting another sometimes is growing up in a big family. He’s one of four siblings, and when we met he told me he wanted three or four kids, so I can see why he sometimes questions if we’re really done.
The thing we discuss is that getting a vasectomy doesn’t have to be permanent. Just recently, Ari and Lauren Luyendyk of Bachelor Nation fame announced on their YouTube channel that Ari would be getting a vasectomy reversal because they decided they weren’t actually done having kids.
One major study found having a vasovasostomy, or a vasectomy reversal, had a 97 percent success rate returning sperm to semen in men who had their initial vasectomy less than three years prior and an 88 percent success rate for men who’d had their first surgery three to eight years prior.
On the off chance that I suddenly want more kids, knowing that a vasectomy reversal has a high likelihood of success is something that’s made him consider the procedure more.
A vasectomy is a lower lift for permanent birth control than me getting my tubes tied
Had I decided to get my fallopian tubes removed after my c-section with my last daughter, there would have been no real difference in my recovery time after birth. But because I didn’t get it done then, the lift would be higher for me than my husband for permanent birth control. He understands this and doesn’t want me to go through something more painful than what he’d have to go through.
While a woman getting her tubes tied or fallopian tubes removed can be a major abdominal surgery that often requires general anesthesia, getting a vasectomy is a fairly quick procedure, often around 20 minutes, that doesn’t require general anesthesia. There are even vasectomy options that don’t require any stitches.
The permanent birth control options for women are also not typically reversible, while a vasectomy is. Yes, I could get another IUD for a semi-permanent option, but again, I’ve done my time with reproductive responsibility, and it’s his turn to carry the burden.
It can be helpful to talk to other men who’ve gotten a vasectomy
I’ve talked to plenty of my girlfriends about whether their husbands have gotten ‘the snip’ or not and what the vasectomy experience is been like, and honestly, it sounds like most of them had swift recoveries and were able to milk a few extra days of sitting on the couch after getting their vasectomy.
In my book club, most of the men who have gotten a vasectomy have gone to the same doctor. Once one guy took the plunge and could verify that everything still functioned as it should and that the pain was manageable everyone else followed. But it took talking to each other to get the information.
One girlfriend even told me her husband and his friend scheduled a vasectomy appointment on the same day. That way they could commiserate and watch TV for a few days together after the procedure. It makes sense, right? Someone to hold you accountable for going to the appointment, someone you can bounce questions or concerns off of in real time, and of course, someone to watch all of that TV with. Pretty genius, and it’s something more men should do.
“Her husband and his friend scheduled a vasectomy appointment on the same day. That way they could commiserate and watch TV for a few days together after the procedure.”
In fact, a 2017 study found that there was a 30 percent uptick in vasectomies the first week of March Madness in 2016 compared to other weeks of the year.
I keep reminding my husband that he could watch all of Masters golf weekend with no distractions if he planned his vasectomy around it, which is something that’s made him consider it a bit more.
What if your husband won’t talk to other guys about getting a vasectomy?
I get it. Talking about a medical procedure with another guy might be awkward, but I think if he talked to a few men about what their experience was like, he’d be less scared of the procedure and recovery. He could also ask them to be candid about whether getting a vasectomy has affected their bedroom performance (it shouldn’t).
If your guy isn’t up for talking to anyone who’s had the procedure, urologists Dr. Justin Dubin and Dr. Kevin Chu had a pretty frank conversation with a post-vasectomy patient in an episode of their podcast Man Up. And in an article on The Everymom, the two doctors also suggested scheduling a consult with a urologist to talk through any questions or concerns.
My husband won’t get a vasectomy… yet
At the end of the day, do I want my husband to get a vasectomy? Yes. Am I frustrated that he won’t go ahead and schedule the appointment? Also, yes.
But does it mean that I think he doesn’t love me or respect me because of where he stands right now on getting a vasectomy? No. He hasn’t pressured me to go back on birth control or to get my tubes tied, which signals to me that he does understand that the onus is ultimately on him.
Given the fact that he isn’t as convinced that our family is done and that he hasn’t talked to many, if any, friends about getting the procedure, I understand his stance. For now we’ll continue to use condoms, and we’ll continue to talk through his hesitations. I’m sure in due time he’ll be sitting on the couch with a sack of peas on his lap.
Elliott Harrell, Contributing Writer
Elliott is a mom of two little girls and is based in Raleigh, NC. She spends her days running a sales team and doing laundry and her nights writing about the things that she loves. She’s passionate about all things motherhood and women’s health. When she’s not working, writing or parenting you can find her trying a new restaurant in town or working on her latest needlepoint project.