My daughter is starting middle school next year, and with that, I know her friendships will inevitably start to evolve and change. Some in good ways, and some in ways that can be tricky to deal with. I know from experience that these next few years will be full of big feelings and difficult new situations to face. Decades later, I still remember the ups and downs I faced in those school hallways. The best day could be followed by the worst day.
As a current elementary school student, she’s already faced some friendship drama, so we’ve had an introduction to how to handle these scenarios. We’ve faced some of the typical issues of briefly feeling left out by the usual friend group (usually at recess), feeling bossed around, and getting feelings hurt.
In middle school, though, I know there will be friendship drama that is deeper and more complicated to handle and might not just “work itself out” as easily. When my daughter leans on me for guidance on tricky issues, I want to be fully prepared to provide what she needs from me. After watching and learning from fellow moms tackling the tween challenge, and learning through my own experiences, this is how I plan to continue to advise my kid when she is facing friendship drama.
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Listen with empathy—and without fixing
As parents, we often take on our kids’ emotions as our own. I have to actively practice providing a comforting, listening ear when kid friendship drama and conflicts arise—without trying to step in and fix it. In elementary school, I’ve found that most things work themselves out over a short period of time—everyone’s usually friends again after a couple of days.
“As parents, we often take on our kids’ emotions as our own.”
But friendship problems can get more complex as she gets older. And even if some of her tween friendship problems will likely seem a little silly to my adult ears, I’ll do my best to listen with empathy. They’ll feel like a big deal to her (even if they seem small to me). I want her to feel supported by me so she is comfortable discussing her concerns, without me jumping into fix-it mode.
Talk about what it means to be a good friend
There are going to be disagreements with friends, and those are important to work through—when it’s with someone who’s consistently been a good friend. I want her to know that someone worth your energy treats you kindly, respects you, your time, and your feelings, is trustworthy, and fun. Someone who frequently makes you feel dumb, silly, unimportant, or bad about yourself is not a good friend, and those friendships are not worth saving. I want her to know that she shouldn’t feel excluded or teased by the people who are supposed to support her.
I also want my daughter to be a good friend. It’s easy to think your kid will never be the bully or the mean kid. By having conversations about being a good friend, I hope she’ll be less likely to make someone else feel hurt, excluded, or pressured.
Teach emotional regulation
Big feelings, especially at this age, come on fast and hard. Learning how to regulate emotions early on is an important life skill to build. Since my daughter was younger, we’ve worked on tactics such as recognizing and accepting our feelings, reframing negative thoughts, and learning how to soothe our emotions. As she ages, she’ll continue to use these skills as she faces emotional situations with family, friends, coworkers, colleagues, acquaintances, etc.
Personally, I’ve always found benefit in the regulation tactic of the “mindful pause”. I like to cool down and “sleep on it” before reacting to something that has me worked up. My initial reaction, when I’m still feeling really upset, is often something I regret later on when I express it. That being said, I have fewer regrets about how I handle things after I’ve had a chance to process my response with a calmer mind. I want to impart that wisdom as much as I can, because I know that icky feeling of regretting the harsh words you said to someone you care about.
Help her work through conflict
Even the best and healthiest friendships will sometimes have disagreements, and despite some conflict, most friendships are worth the effort. Learning how to work through differences productively and show empathy and accountability can build her muscle for managing bigger conflicts that may come later.
And since most disagreements are not caused by just one side, I want her to learn to see other points of view, recognize hurtful actions, and apologize if needed. After a disagreement is resolved, I also want to help her reflect on the outcome so she can be more prepared to handle her feelings and express them positively should she see this conflict rearing its head again.
Encourage maintaining multiple friend groups
This advice will help with some of the friendship group drama, like “best friend one day, not the next.” Sometimes friendships change, fade, or experience tension, and forming friendships in multiple groups reduces the likelihood of feeling isolated at school. Maybe she meets them through an after-school club, a sports team, or a hobby outside of school. Having more friend groups means increased exposure to diverse people, perspectives, and activities to participate in. It will help her find “her people” to navigate life with as she gets older and grows more into herself.
Celebrate friendships—hers and mine
Close friendships are one of the most rewarding parts of life, and those relationships really start to take hold during the middle school years. It’s when friendship is less about being at the same place at the same time (like being in the same kindergarten class) and more about finding the people who really complement your personality and interests. Knowing that, I also want to make sure, in my own life, I am modeling having good friends and being a good friend to them in return. I want my daughter to see a group of adult women supporting each other and having a blast.
Brigette Marshall, Contributing Writer
Brigette is a mom of two little girls and works full-time in project management, both at home and in the office. She loves book clubbing, antique shopping, watching documentaries, and convincing her husband to cook gourmet meals for her.
