In the early 2000s, if a friend wanted to pass a secret note, it was folded into a triangle and slipped into your locker or passed in the hallway and typically shared with just one other person. That note, most likely filled with friend drama, gossip, or maybe a heartfelt confession, was a tangible symbol of belonging.
Today, those handwritten notes have been replaced by something more immediate, powerful, and a bit more permanent: the group chat. While it serves the same purpose of connection and emotional expression for tweens and teens, it comes with a much higher emotional and sometimes psychological price.
As a girl mom raising a young teenage daughter in the age of always-on communication, I wanted to better understand the role group chats play in teen girls’ lives and how we, as moms, can help guide them during this challenging chapter of life. Having had to handle my own daughter’s emotional fallout and friendship breakups due to things said in the group chat, I spoke with a fellow mom friend of mine who is also an educator in the classroom, along with licensed clinical social workers Katie Roman and Alecia Corbett, school-based mental health therapists at Children’s Wisconsin, to learn how group chats impact our teens’ mental health and what we can do to support them.
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Katie Roman, LCSW
Katie is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with years of clinical experience over a variety of settings, including in-home, inpatient, family and crisis intervention. She has worked with high risked youth through the child welfare system in areas such as anger management, ADHD, anxiety, depression, behavioral challenges, and trauma.
Alecia A. Corbett, LCSW
Alecia is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and has worked in the field for over 10 years. Her past experiences include clinical practice and School Social Work delivering services to families and students in grades K-12. Currently, she delivers school-based mental health services.
Group chats: connection with a cost
“Group chats can have both a positive and negative impact on teen girls’ mental health and self-esteem,” Roman and Corbett explained. On one hand, they provide a sense of connection, support, and inclusion, which is especially important for girls who may lack strong in-person peer relationships. Group chats can be a lifeline during difficult moments, giving teens immediate feedback and affirmation.
But as Roman and Corbett pointed out, this constant access comes with risks. “There’s the risk for bullying, harassment, and peer pressure to conform to group norms, even if those norms don’t align with your daughter’s values.” And because it all happens behind screens, hurtful comments can be made quickly and spread to many, creating more emotional fallout.
Teen girls today are also grappling with what they call “texting fatigue.” With the pressure to respond immediately, the fear of missing out, and the stress of deciphering unclear written messages, the group chat can quickly morph from a space of connection to a source of anxiety.
Emotional regulation in the digital age
Constant digital communication also interferes with emotional development. Unlike in-person interactions, where tone, facial expressions, and body language guide the conversation, group chats offer limited social cues. “Without those cues, it’s harder for teens to regulate emotions and respond appropriately,” Corbett and Roman said.
Rachel Jensen, mom to a middle-schooler and a classroom educator, talks about the increased anxiety in her daughter since having a phone. “I’ve noticed that my daughter is more anxious and feels the need to respond and check her phone. She wants to be included in the larger 7th-grade chat but can’t because of her Android. I think this is definitely a blessing!”
In the early 2000s, before every teenager had a cell phone, if someone wanted to say something mean after school, they had to call your landline and probably get through to your mom first. Today’s teens get no such buffer. There is no “off” switch. This nonstop access leads to heightened anxiety, avoidance of in-person conversations, and even social withdrawal.
Helping our kids set boundaries
So, what can we do as parents? It starts with proactive conversations and education. Corbett and Roman encourage parents to talk with their daughters (and sons) about what respectful communication looks like and explore “what if” scenarios together. What if someone is being ganged up on? What if someone talks about self-harm? Something feels uncomfortable; what should I do?
They both emphasize body awareness. “If their stomach drops or they feel uneasy, it’s a sign something might be off.” Teaching kids to listen to their internal cues builds confidence in navigating tricky group chat dynamics.
Setting boundaries around phone use is also critical. That might mean no phones in bedrooms at night, designated tech-free hours, or limits on group chat notifications. And as parents, we must model those same boundaries ourselves. Jensen sets screen limits on her daughter’s phone. “The phone doesn’t turn on until 8 a.m. and turns off at 8 p.m. We often have the kids leave their phone in the living room or kitchen and only check it if they’re waiting to hear back about plans.”
Should you monitor the group chat?
Monitoring is a sensitive subject, but Roman and Corbett agree: involvement is essential, especially early on. “If your child is old enough to have a phone, they’re old enough to understand the risks and know you’re here to protect them,” they stated.
How much you monitor depends on your child’s maturing and decision-making history. Some teens may need daily oversight, while others may just need an occasional check-in. The key is to be transparent about your intentions and maintain open, judgment-free communication.
Jensen has her take on it. “I haven’t needed to get involved in the group chats; however, I do read my daughter’s messages. When I see something I don’t like, I advise her to ignore it or stand up for the person who is being talked about negatively. There have been several students in school who have gotten in trouble for things put in the group chat. Trends like ‘rating the teacher’ are one way kids are getting in trouble at school.”
Apps like Bark, Aura, Qustodio, and Verizon’s Family App can support age-appropriate digital use by monitoring messaging, limiting screen time, and flagging concerning content. But no app can replace real conversation. Use technology as a tool, not a replacement, for connection.
When conflict happens: be the safe place
When your daughter comes to you upset about drama in the group chat, your first job is not to fix but to listen. “Validate and listen,” Corbett and Roman stress. “Say, ‘That sounds really tough.’ Just being heard can help them feel supported.”
If your teen says, “You don’t understand,” resist the urge to argue. Acknowledge their reality. Their world is different from ours, and they’re facing stressors we never had to navigate. Ask open-ended questions, let them talk without interrupting, and be a calm, compassionate sounding board.
“Acknowledge their reality. Their world is different from ours, and they’re facing stressors we never had to navigate.”
Final thoughts on the teen group chats
Just like our notes and notebooks were tucked away in drawers, today’s group chats are a part of our children’s lives, often more visible, volatile, and more permanent. But with guidance, boundaries, and a lot of listening, we can help them navigate these digital diaries with resilience and grace.
Maybe we can’t take away the group chat, but we can make sure our kids know that we are their safest place of all.
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Maria Childs, Contributing Writer
Maria Childs is a marketing and communications professional living in Milwaukee. She is passionate about motherhood, co-parenting, and being a girl mom. When she’s not busy working in K-12 public education, you can find her running her two daughters to sports practices, dancing to Taylor Swift, browsing bookstores, and catching up with friends.
