"Being a sole single mom is something I never thought Iād be. I always thought Iād be married with an equal parenting partner. Life had another plan for meāand Iām thankful for this lifeābut it is hard. And when being a single mom gets extra difficult, Iām especially thankful to have mom friends who I can call on to help make it easier.
Iām not sure it surprises anyone that I am a sole single parent. I would say that I was always the other of the group. Iāve been more single than dating or in a relationship, and itās never bothered me. I enjoy my solitude. As an extroverted introvert, I enjoy both solitude and socializing and thrive on both. But as a single mom, friendships have become invaluable to me. I would even venture to say that mom friends matter even more when youāre a sole single parent. Hereās why:
Mom Friends Provide Perspective on My Parenting Decisions
Iāve always been a decisive person. I am an operations manager by trade. Itās my job to get all the information, analyze it, and give recommendations on how we should move forward on getting the work done most efficiently and effectively while still meeting the deadline. Motherhood has been no different. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I tackled it like a work assignment. I ordered parenting books, downloaded all the apps, and read mommy social media forums; I was all in. What I found out was that it is easy to make decisions before the baby comes. But once the baby is born, knowing the ārightā thing to do becomes a lot more difficult.
First, no two babies are alike. Once I became sleep-deprived while having to deal with postpartum preeclampsia and my sonās chronic gas problems, I was overwhelmed and felt decision paralysisāor analysis paralysis. It is the inability to make a decision due to being overwhelmed by too many options or fear of making the wrong choice. It can cause people to overthink which option to pursue next, which can lead to making any decision. By making mom friends as a single mom, other women whoād been there before meāor who were in a similar parenting stageāprovided me with perspective.
They Help Answer My Parenting Questions
Do you remember before you became a parent and saw that kid screaming in the grocery store after their mother told them no and you thought, āThatāll never be my kidā? Do we all remember what it felt like to be wrong about some arbitrary goalpost we had set for ourselves to be a better mother? I know I do.
Every kid is different, of course, but someone has been through a similar parenting struggle. If itās not the tantrum in the grocery store, itās our kids talking back. If itās not running naked through the backyard, itās our kids saying swear words. If itās not having a hard time with potty training, it may be having a really hard time learning to read. Other moms have been through it, too. And making mom friends with children of various ages has been a lifesaver for me, especially without a co-parent to talk to. Theyāre available to ask about the difficult parenting moments or new kid behaviors that Iām not sure how to navigate.
Playdates Are for the Moms, Too
As the sole single parent, itās often just my son and me. I donāt have the other parent to wait up with or go to bed with and have adult conversations. To be fair, because of my career, itās nice to only have to entertain a child until bedtime and then have quiet time with my own show. But even introverts crave adult companionship, and Iām no different. Therefore, I think the playdates are as much for the moms as the kids. My mom friends are not just friends but my sisters. Some I have known my whole life. Others, I met because I chased her down in a park because I NEEDED to know where her pink backpack cooler was from (shout out to Aunt Tara!).
With all my mom friends, we make sure that playdates are not only an occasion for the kids but for us. We have no shortage of playdate ideas: a taco bar, a sandwich bar with games at the beach, picnics at the park, a pasta bar with board games, etc. My trunk always has a soccer ball, football, and basketball, as well as ready-to-play outdoor games. My backpack cooler is there as well, so we can always stop for ice and food so my son can connect with other kidsāand I can connect with some other adults.
Mom Friends Are Family We Choose
When youāre a sole single parent, youāre usually missing one whole side of a family unit. Therefore, the friends you make can often become more important. They become your village, that other side of support youāre missing. My son calls these women āauntie.ā Theyāve picked him up from school when Iām running late. Theyāve watched him when I attended a wedding. They even just gave me a break when I needed a nap. The aunties feel like our second home, and they are safe.
Tips for Making Friends as a Single Mom
I say all this to say, I embraced making mom friends, sole single like me, single co-parenting, and married like I have been making friends my entire life. Hereās how I found my mom and dad besties:
Make the First Move
One dear friend of over two years now, I complimented and asked about her backpack cooler in the park. I use compliments a lot. Sometimes itās on a childcare product or kids clothing. Other times itās on something they are wearing. Giving a compliment is an easy conversation opener, which can lead to more connection. Iāve read some parents even hand out playdate business cards or send them to school in their childās backpack to make those introductions to other parents easier.
Volunteer for Kid Activities
Iāve been a volunteer coach for my sonās teams for a year and a half now. Therefore, I get to meet a lot of moms and dads. You donāt have to coach to make friends at the sporting events, either. If you show up each week and just say hi to the other parents, youāre almost guaranteed to make a friend. Cheering for the same team automatically builds camaraderie.
Get Involved at School
Once your kids start school, no matter how shy they are, they will make at least one friend. There is usually a class roster and activities you will be asked to participate in. Since my son was in Pre-K 4, Iāve been seeing the same moms around town. We always make sure to say hello and get the kids together if we can.
Illyana Jones, Contributing Writer
By day, Illyana is an operations manager for a top beauty company managing many brands, and by night sheās a sole single mom to her beautiful son. In her āspare time,ā she enjoys contributing to The Everymom and volunteering as a parenting counselor.