"Bringing your baby home from the hospital can be a visual you’ve pictured in your head for the last nine months. However, entering your home and presenting a new baby to an older sibling may look entirely different the second time around. It can either cause mayhem or it may look like a nice, warm welcome. When I was pregnant with my second child, I was worried. I was anxious about how my firstborn would react to another child in the mix. I didn’t want him to feel like we replaced or forgot about him. There was this fear that I thought he would think there was a separation in our family—mom, dad, and baby—him, by himself.
I researched a ton. I even bought all the things the internet told me to purchase. There was the older brother or sibling book. I bought two different ones. I bought a gift ‘from the baby’ to give my eldest when they first met—Spiderman-themed, of course. My husband and I even tried to hype how cool being an older brother would be.
Before my due date, I caught up with some mom friends for a girls’ night out. One of them also has a son the same age as my eldest, and she recently gave birth to a set of twins. Among all the advice I was given, her words of wisdom were the best advice I received. It’s an older sibling hack I learned when I had my second child. It was the turning point that ultimately eased my anxiety.
The older sibling hack
Instead of my husband and I positioning ourselves against the kids, this friend advised us to put my firstborn on ‘our team.’ We needed to make sure to include him. That doesn’t mean he’s performing parent duties like changing diapers or prepping bottles, but we’ve involved him in the everyday happenings of his baby brother.
The same friend gave a great example we use all the time. One common occurrence that happens daily or hourly is a crying newborn. A natural reaction my toddler initially had to this was to cover his ears and plead for his baby brother to stop. Using this hack, we involved him by asking why he thinks the baby is crying. Do you think he’s hungry, or do you think he has a dirty diaper? My son no longer covers his ears, and his cute, little toddler voice chimes in with his commentary.
Why including your kids is important
There are too many quotes to pin from Ted Lasso, but a favorite of mine comes from the lovely character, Roy Kent. He says, “Most adults think kids need to be constantly entertained… Truth is, they just want to feel like they’re part of our lives…” It’s true. My toddler follows me everywhere I go. Hello, little fingers peeping under the door while I go to the bathroom. If you know, you know. This quote definitely reminds me that even with a new baby on board, it’s my responsibility to make sure no one feels isolated. It’s simple advice that plays a big part in my toddler’s life because he just wants to be involved with whatever we’re doing. That includes when we’re tending to his little brother.
It’s important for us to have a routine, especially in the chaos with a toddler and newborn. But in the fast-paced life my family is living in, I shouldn’t skip the second I have to involve my eldest in any way. This could look like asking him, “Hey, I have to stop playing for a minute. I have to check on the baby. Do you want to check on him with me?” If he says no, it’s OK. I think of it like this—have you ever been left out of an invite because your friends already knew you wouldn’t be able to make it? It still feels nice to be included. This is how I feel with my toddler. It’s little details like this that help prevent a full-on meltdown because I’ve acknowledged him in small ways.
Involving your kids doesn’t always look the same
This hack isn’t foolproof. My toddler still craves for attention, and meltdowns are inevitable. That’s part of being a toddler and a human, really. There are times when I get overwhelmed because I have a crying newborn and a toddler yelling over the cries. In these instances, involving my toddler doesn’t have to include full-on commentary. Sometimes, he just wants to stand by me. That works, too.
If you have a child that’s younger than a toddler or older, this can look a little different. I think what’s important to note is that bringing in another child into the family is a shared experience. We’re all in it together. Maybe not all of us are experiencing sleepless nights, but we are a family. If you’re having anxiety about how your child will respond to welcoming a new baby, this older sibling hack is one to remember.
Patty Schepel, Editorial Intern
As the editorial intern, Patty works with The Everymom’s team on pitches, creating original articles, updating existing content, photo sourcing, writing shopping product descriptions, inputting freelance articles, and more. When she’s not working, you can find her spending time with her family, training for half marathons—she ran one 16 weeks pregnant—traveling, cooking, reading a rom-com, and keeping her sourdough starter, Rose, alive.