I’ve always known I had people-pleasing tendencies, but I didn’t realize just how much being the eldest daughter played into them until I got older. Growing up, I felt like I needed to be the role model for my younger sister and make choices that worked best for the family. I thought being agreeable and putting others first was the “right” thing to do, and over time, it became my default. I rarely spoke up about what I wanted, I stressed over letting people down, and I naturally took on the role of family “mediator.” Even now, I catch myself saying yes too quickly, offering to help before anyone even asks, or carrying mental loads that no one actually assigned to me. Over time, I realized my boundaries were pretty much nonexistent.
Now that I’m expecting my first baby—a daughter—it all feels different. I don’t want her to grow up thinking her worth comes from keeping everyone else happy. I want her to know it’s okay to say no, to believe her voice matters, and to feel confident choosing what brings her joy. But I needed a little assistance figuring out exactly how to do that. So I’ve turned to an expert in setting boundaries: Nedra Glover Tawwab, whose book Set Boundaries, Find Peace has been guiding me as I try to unlearn old patterns.
Tawwab is a therapist and bestselling author who writes about boundaries, relationships, and finding peace in such a practical, down-to-earth way. Her first book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, breaks down why boundaries are so essential and how to actually start setting them (even when it feels uncomfortable). Now she’s written her first children’s book, What Makes YOU Happy?, using her expert insights to help kids—and parents—explore joy and learn to honor their choices. For me, both books have been a lifeline as I prepare for motherhood. We also recently chatted with Tawwab to gain further insights on her books, and her nuggets of wisdom are a guiding light for any fellow moms who are determined to lay their people-pleasing tendencies to rest.
ABOUT THE EXPERT
Nedra Glover Tawwab, Licensed Therapist & NYT Bestselling Author
Nedra Glover Tawwab is the author of the New York Times bestsellers Set Boundaries, Find Peace, Drama Free, and the forthcoming children’s book What Makes YOU Happy? A licensed therapist and sought-after relationship expert, she has practiced relationship therapy for more than fifteen years. Tawwab’s work has been highlighted in The New York Times, The Guardian, and Vice.
What I’m learning as a new mom from Set Boundaries, Find Peace
One of the biggest lessons on people pleasing I’ve taken from Set Boundaries, Find Peace is that boundaries aren’t the problem; it’s the guilt that comes with them. As Tawwab explains, “Often, we want to set boundaries without feeling any guilt, but that’s not typically how it works.” Her book helps moms understand that the guilt doesn’t disappear overnight, but it does lessen with practice. That reminder has been huge for me. I’ve always struggled with saying no because I equated it with letting people down. But as I’ve started making small changes, like pausing before committing to something or asking myself if I actually want to do it, I’ve noticed the guilt fades a little faster each time.
Another point that hit home for me was Tawwab’s perspective on “no.” She shared that when kids hear the word at home, it helps them learn that things won’t always go their way and teaches them how to regulate big feelings when they’re disappointed. Framing “no” as a lesson instead of a rejection was eye-opening. Instead of worrying about being the “mean mom,” I can remember that saying no can actually prepare my daughter for the real world and teach her resilience along the way.
Nedra Glover Tawwab
Written by Nedra Glover Tawwab in a relatable and inclusive tone, Set Boundaries, Find Peace presents simple-yet-powerful ways to establish healthy boundaries in all aspects of life. Rooted in the latest research and best practices used in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), these techniques help us identify and express our needs clearly and without apology–and unravel a root problem behind codependency, power struggles, anxiety, depression, burnout, and more.
What I hope to teach my daughter with What Makes YOU Happy?
What Makes YOU Happy? has been just as impactful, especially as I think about raising a daughter who feels seen and heard. Although this is Tawwab’s first children’s book, her expertise makes it equal parts insightful and engaging for little ones. My first time reading it through while I prepped my daughter’s nursery, I immediately resonated with the main character’s people-pleasing habits. The story follows a young girl named Avery who’s trying to decide what to do for her upcoming birthday party, but she keeps worrying about others’ expectations and putting their needs before her own (sounds familiar). Through Avery’s story, parents are encouraged to reflect on what makes their children light up—even if it’s something as simple as their favorite ice cream flavor or picking outfits—and to validate those choices as meaningful. She explained that respecting our kids’ preferences is one way of teaching them boundaries.
The book also invites parents to reflect on their own happiness alongside their kids. I love that because it reframes self-care not as selfish, but necessary. As Tawwab pointed out, “Children are sponges, and when boundaries are modeled and respected, they learn to establish them.” For someone like me, who’s spent years equating “me time” with guilt, that’s a powerful shift. I want my daughter to see me enjoying hobbies, resting when I need to, and choosing things that bring me joy, so she learns to do the same for herself.
Nedra Glover Tawwab
In Tawwab’s first children’s book, she shares the story of Avery who loves to make people happy—so much so that she often ignores her own wants and needs. Now, her birthday is coming up and she’s having trouble deciding what to do for her party. Luckily, her friends help her realize it’s OK to do what makes you happy—especially on your own special day.
Lessons on people pleasing that I’m taking into motherhood
Reading Tawwab’s work and hearing her insights has given me a lot to think about as I step into motherhood. One big takeaway is how much of what we do as parents gets mirrored back to us through our kids. If we’re prone to certain people-pleasing patterns, chances are our children may pick them up too unless we intentionally work on breaking the cycle. If I want my daughter to know her voice matters, I have to start showing her what that looks like from the start.
Another lesson that stuck with me is how Tawwab reframes mom guilt. She explains that guilt doesn’t always mean we’re doing something wrong. Sometimes, it’s actually a sign of growth. That shift really hit me. I’ve spent so much of my life worrying about disappointing others that guilt feels like second nature. But instead of trying to erase it, I can learn to see it as a signal that I’m stepping into healthier habits.
And finally, I love the way Tawwab talks about self-care. She reminds moms that when we neglect our own needs, we risk burnout. “When a mother takes time for herself, such as enjoying a long bath, it can be restorative and help her return to her parenting role feeling refreshed.” That’s something I’ve always struggled with, but I know it’s a lesson I want to model for my daughter because joy and rest aren’t indulgences—they’re essential parts of life.
Looking ahead to motherhood
As I prepare to meet my daughter, I know I won’t get everything right—and that’s okay. Parenting will be full of trial and error, but thanks to the tools I’ve learned from Nedra’s books, I feel more equipped to move forward with awareness and grace. What matters most to me now is being intentional about the behaviors I want to pass down. I want her to see that her needs, her happiness, and her boundaries are just as important as anyone else’s. And while I can’t erase every challenge that comes with being the eldest daughter or a natural people pleaser, I can work on breaking the cycle so she doesn’t carry the same weight I did.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Julia Poulter, Senior Managing Editor
With more than 10 years of editorial experience, Julia is passionate about bringing motherhood stories to life and providing moms with interesting and informative parenting content. Prior to joining The Everygirl Media Group in 2019, she served as Executive Editor at Closer Weekly. As The Everymom’s Senior Managing Editor, Julia helps manage the brand’s editorial calendar and content strategy.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Steph Alleva Cornell, Branded Content Editor
Since becoming a young mama in 2020, Steph has found joy in creating beautiful yet relatable content surrounding the raw realities of motherhood. She believes showcasing both the wonders and struggles of being a parent helps other mothers understand that they are not alone in their journey.
This post is sponsored by Penguin Random House, but all of the opinions within are those of The Everymom editorial board. We only feature brands we genuinely love.
